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female
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anonymous
writes:Help, from any quarters would be great! I moved in with my bloke just before christmas with my son aged 15, my partner has a son of similar age. The lads hate each other. My son has the box bedroom after he had a large bedroom at ours. We rented, my partner owns, so we moved to his. My son is the problem, he hates the set up, everything. He is going through puberty etc. His father seems to of disappeared of the face of this earth, while my partners ex sees their son two weekends per month, better than nothing. My son is in GCSE year and i just cannot get him to go to school. The least cold turns into flu. He has to stay in bed all day. He get up during the night and plays on his computer (with the headset on). He is rude and aggressive to me and my partner. He pushes me around. I took him to the doctors today because he was complaining of headaches. Doctor said he has a viral infection and need to stay off school more and rest. The doctor asked if he was troubled by anything and there was a silence. We learned that it wasn't school, the silence says it must be home life. I just cannot cope. My partner and i are working full time. My son leaves the house in a mess, it is causing rifts between us. We are getting married in May, i just cannot say i am excited about it at all. I am exhausted mentally and physically. Please please has anyone any advice on how to get through all of this. I am beginning to wish i had stayed single with him in my little rented house. There wasn't this kind of hassle but i didn't have my lovely man to love me. Should i leave with my son, and live a lonely existence on our own and sacrifice my future or do i just batten down the hatches and weather the storm? Please will someone show me the light at the end of the invisible tunnel. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Oh my, what a big problem, you have. You have this intelligent, but under-achieving 15-year-old son, who is clearly dealing with stress, and he's floundering, bigtime. His health has become an issue, likely due to stress, emotional sadness and anxieties. He feels he has no control over his life and in reality...he doesn't. A lot of attention, love and boundaries is needed here. A lot of it! And I am not talking for 'just a while'..I am talking until the day this boy leaves home. Until the day he turns 18 and you se him walking up the steps into a college and getting his future underway, you cannot waver or give up on this kid! He needs structure and he needs some strong parenting from you. He has been through a lot and he's holding it all inside. Teen boys are famous for this...dealing with their own pain and then squelching it down deep inside them. He lost his father who is not caring enough to spend time with him, he has now he likely feels he lost his Mother to a relationship with another man. He's been moved into a home and away from a place where he felt safe with you, so he's grown resentful and rebellious. Let him know he is top priority, too. I know you work full time and I am not trying to minimize the heavy work load you already have. All that will have to take a secondary place to your son, now. Ask your new man to understand what you are trying to do. This will not be easy. He will have to give up some of his time with you. Being a Father, he should understand. However, this is a time to rely on others like your man for emotional support and focus on your son. Right now....today. My suggestion-- he needs, loving, involved parenting and this is on your shoulders to do this. You will have to become a diligent, very involved, strong Mother. He also need boundaries, firm limits and clear, meaningful consequences. You do not have a mini adult on your hands, you have a youth who still needs his parent's guidance, direction, and limits. When he's feeling better, take him to school yourself if you have to, sit and watch him do his homework in the evenings, set a bedtime hour (no computers, no TV after a specified time). Make sure he gets his rest. Check in with his teachers weekly and make sure he's keeping up with his studies. I know of one Mom, whose daughter was slacking off at school. This Mom told her daughter, "if you don't make improvements, I will be going to school with you everyday. I will sit next to you in all your classes to help you focus on your work so you can have the grades you will need to go onto college and you can enable yourself to have a good quality productive, future" She didn't have to do this as her daughter cracked down in school for fearof emabarassment. (lol) But, as his Mother you are concerned about his future. Tell him this but with loving, caring words tossed in. Don't nag or berate him. Always talk firmly, but without anger. He needs to know you mean business, but you love hima nd want what's best for him. I also recommend you and him get into family couseling together. He needs to talk and express what he's holding in. Tell him he needs to use his voice, when things bother him. Let him know it's okay, reassure him that you will always love him, that you are there for him. I wish you both the best. There is no other way, but becoming an involved, strong parent. He needs this now more than anything. Good luck and keep us posted.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Been there. Done that. My advice. Move out. Do not marry your man yet. Wait until your son is grown. Its only another 3 years. Its the only realistic way to save your relationship with this man you love. Check the statistics on this type arrangement. Very, very low success rate. Not just on a second marriage but a second marriage with teenage step children all living together. Mark my words. You love this man? Move out. Postpone wedding. Not a pestamist.Its reality.
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reader, aunty t  +, writes (13 March 2007):
 You are in a real mess here. Your son is going through puberty which is really adding to the problem. I have a fifteen year old son and am facing exactly the same problems and his father and i have been happily married for seventeen years. He leaves a mess in every room he goes into, wont study for his exams one day he is fine the next he is shouting and ignoring me. It is an endless battle. I would say the new changes in his life are having some effect but are not totally responsible. He is going through alot just being fifteen. I dont think that you should leave, you have found a man who loves you. I know the situation may be unbearable at the moment but I think you need to stick it out. You son could leave home in a few years and if you leave you will be on your own probably more miserable than you are now. Stay put and try and get through to him, set down some rules and stick to them. If he does not adhere to the rules you will have to try punishments like taking his computer etc. It is very hard i know but be strong.
Good luck
Aunty t
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