A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I met 6 years ago. He lived in a different State and so we began a long distance relationship. After three months he moved across the country to be with me. Soon after I got pregnant. We really only had been dating for 5 months (3 of which were long distance). So needless to say we never had too much time for "us". After our son was born we got married and since then had another baby. My husband has a horrible temper, not violent, just loud. He is angry at everything and everyone. I am a pretty upbeat person but he drains me emotionally. He never sets aside time for us, I have to beg him to take me out on a date. We have gone on one this year. He makes me feel so bad for going out with the girls once a month, by telling me I don't deserve to go out because I don't do my fair share of the chores. He cooks, the laundry, and does the home repairs. I clean the house, do the dishes, mow the lawn, and take care of most of our children's needs. Lately, I have really begun to dislike the person that he is. I feel like I have made a horrible mistake. When I think about what is keeping me in this relationship I answer, "the kids, the house, and his family." Also, I don't want to be alone. I am lost. I have asked him to go to counseling and he refuses. I am looking into hiring a maid so that he isn't so frustrated with the state of the house (it isn't that bad, we have two tiny children after all). I don't know what else to do. I feel so sad and mad. We fight all the time and my oldest has started noticing and telling us to calm down. He pretends to be married and fight with his wife. I feel like such a bad mother. My youngest is one and I want him to know what a two parent house look like, but I can't keep going...
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 April 2014):
I am so very sad for you. We see these stories a lot, but for some reason yours really yanked at my heart.
Perhaps it's because I can relate. And now that my kids are older- 11 and 18- they tell me openly about how they used to try to hide from the fighting between me and my ex husband. I'm still sad that they had to hear it.
Yes, you made a mistake. Yes, you should work on getting you and the kids out. YES, YOU'RE GOING TO BE OK, I PROMISE!!!!
Oh, and just so you know, if I hadn't left my ex I would never have met the love of my life. Be kind to yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): "My youngest is one and I want him to know what a two parent house look like"That would require a man who is a suitable husband and father, assessments best made well in advance of getting married and having children. Unfortunately you moved in with, got pregnant by and eventually married a guy you really didn't know. Now you know exactly the type of person he is and he is not going to change, no matter what you do to try and please him. Kids learn what they live, you are teaching your oldest that marriage is a battlefield, and if he grows up believing that fighting between spouses is normal and expected behavior then he will probably exhibit the same behavior towards his wife. You would be doing your youngest no favors by teaching him the same lessons his brother is already learning.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 April 2014):
 I think you should leave him. It's just my opinion based on what you've written here. You are not happy, and things aren't getting better, they are becoming worse as time goes by. Men like him do wear you out emotionally and they drain your energy. They are vampires. My ex was an aggressive man too. We were also long distance most of the relationship, which is why I didn't know to what extent his anger would go until I lived with him for a brief period. He would shout at the top of his lungs, scream and yell, call names, throw things in the walls, forbid me to do or say this or that. For example, if I tried to leave the room when he was shouting at me and cursing me out and calling me a b**ch and so on, he would forbid me to leave "until I am done talking to you". And if I still tried to leave (I am a GROWN woman, he can not forbid me to do anything...), he would block the door or chase me around the room so I wouldn't get away.
He once threatened to throw my belongings out the window. I don't know, there were so many many things like this. He lied to me constantly, lied to his family and friends too, and lied to me telling me his family and friends didn't like me and thought I was weird. Just mean things to get at me, because he feel justified in doing so because of his own reasons.
I don't know, but somehow the things you have written about your husband reminds me of my ex. I also suggested therapy for him, that he needed it for his anger issues. Hah! As if THAT wouldn't make him go ballistic. I had trouble sleeping, because I actually feared he would cross the line and attack me physically. He did use his force against me when prohibiting me from leaving the room, for example. So he was already using force, and the next step would be to take a swing at me. If I talked to him about my fears, that I felt unsafe... Hah! The man reacted like a toddler, he did not act like a grown man. When I suggested these things, if I tried to talk about these things, I was just "asking for trouble" from him, and he'd have yet an excuse to start shouting and screaming at me.
That was him, he was just looking for an excuse to take out his anger at me, use me as his punching bag, even if he never got that far. I broke up with him.
Maybe you recognize yourself in my story, and if you do.. then leave. I tell you, leaving him was hard! Men like him are manipulative, and they are scary. But once I was out it was a weight taken off of my shoulders. I was HAPPY to be rid of him. My life was better without him there to put me down.
I will tell you the final straw that made me realize I needed to leave, maybe you will recognize if your husband is the same. I was sick with a fever while on a business trip, so I had to get up and out of bed even if I was very sick. So when I came back to my hotel I chatted with him. The first thing he did was be angry with me because in my last e-mail to him I had just said "hi" instead of "hi dear". So he started cursing me out over that. He knew I was sick and ill, he didn't ask me how I was or wish me better... oh no, he was angry with me for not having written "hi dear". When I asked him why he didn't wish me well when he knew I was sick, do you know what he said? It's really the cherry on top: That last year when I had been sick he had wished me well, so he shouldn't have to wish me well each time I got sick because I should just know he wished me well without him telling me so.
I saved that conversation actually, because it was just that unbelievable. And it was the final straw. So I dumped him, and then I went out with my colleagues and had a splendid dinner, and when one colleague asked me about my boyfriend I said proudly: I broke up with him! And then I had a laugh. It was truly, truly, a relief! No more of his bullshit!
So, if your husband is anything like my ex.. your children will do MUCH better without him. In fact I think such men are dangerous, it is domestic violence, even if it is not physical violence. Children hurt in such an environment. I remember from my own childhood, where my dad would also scream and shout and was very aggressive. He would hit us too, occasionally. But it was the rage, the anger, the screaming, that was the worst. That we never knew what would set him off, suddenly he would just go BOOM. Like my ex. That is why I left, I knew I could never have children with such a man.
Your children will do much better without an aggressive father in their lives. I know you can't completely shut him out, he will probably get shared custody, but if you can I would advise you to go for full custody and him only seeing the kids on weekends at your place. Because angry men are dangerous.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2014):
 kids do better with a single calm parent than two fighting ones... do not stay with this man if you are unhappy and your fighting is affecting your children.
you have asked to go to counseling and he refused. ask him to move out. IF he refused.... get your ducks in a row before you force his hand.
go see a lawyer and figure out what your next move is to get him out of your home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): If your this miserable and your children are noticing the arguments, is it worth it?
Try asking him to go to counselling or you don't feel you can continue in the relationship because he's draining you and trying to control you by not letting you go out and have a girl's night.
You will never be alone, you still have your own family, your children, your friends.
You have to do what is best for you and your children, but don't rush into anything, make sure you decision is informed and give him a chance to change his own behaviour with a vision of what will happen if he doesn't.
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