A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I got married about 7 years ago. Our relationship was rocky from the start -- she was my first girlfriend and I lacked confidence as a single person. She broke up with me several times because she wasn't satisfied with me, but I couldn't let her go. She eventually said yes because she could use my help on adjusting to life in the US, but was not excited about getting married. We had a civil ceremony without any family or friends present, and there was no honeymoon. I tried to plan a make up wedding but she displayed little interest. She also refused to combine our finances together when we got married.During the early part of the marriage, I took over all of the house work -- cooking, cleaning, paying most of the bills, etc, because I thought it could help make her feel better about me, but it still did not. A few months into the marriage our sex life went from OK to mediocre to bad. Then before we knew it, two years had gone by without any intimacy at all, not even cuddling or kissing. I still tried to initiateit a few times, but she would turn away, go to sleep, or go along without any excitement. One time, she tried to fix the problem by asking me to go through the motions of intercourse while she sat watching TV, saying that I was the one that needed the practice. When we go out for walks, she would sometimes request that I run the rest of the way home by myself, because I needed the exercise. She reminded me of her dissatisfaction throughout the years. Some of the things she would say, either angrily or jokingly, are: "why did all my friends marry good looking guys and I did'nt?" "maybe you should jump out the balcony so I can be free of you." and "the way you dress and conduct yourself, it's very hard to imagine you can actually become anybody significant."With my confidence destroyed, our relationship became so unequal that eventually she was fed up as well. About 3 years ago she asked for a separation. But at the time, I was so cared of facing reality, I couldn't do it. Eventually she gave up on the idea, maybe because she took pity in me, maybe because she was also scared, or maybe because I did at least provide a very comfortable life for her (doing all the house work). But the marriage did not improve.About a year later, I managed to convince her to buy a house together. It was my hope that by owning a home together, we could find some new feelings toward each other. She was reluctant at first, but went with it in the end. We bought a house in November 2010. Things got a little better, she does not get angry with me or blame me for my bad looks as much, but she still did sometimes, and there were still no intimacy.During all this time, both my parents and her parents were wondering why we were not having children. They were suspicious, but not aware of our problems. Because we are both Chinese, children were considered extremely important to both our families. But she resisted the idea for a long time.Then, in early 2011, she was diagnosed with a condition that, according to our doctor, the best course of action is for her to get pregnant as soon as possible. Since I always wanted children, we decided to give it a try. I also felt maybe this is finally a chance for us to find our way back to intimacy. But what actually happened was the exact opposite. She refused to let me kiss her and pushed me to finish as quickly as possible, without any connection or desire. I felt like a sperm donor. I was very angry and hurt, but after she got pregnant, she was so happy that I again thought maybe things would change. I also fell in love with the baby after seeing it on the ultrasound machine.After the baby is born, however, things became rocky again. She had angry arguments over money with our first nanny and also a few angry episodes when my parents came to help with the baby. With so much negative energy in the house, I told her that I can't live with her any more, and maybe we would be better off divorced with a shared custody arrangement. She angrily refused, saying that she will never give up full custody. Angry and hurt, I talked to my parents about the problems in our marriage. At the time, they still suggested that I stay and try to work it out. Then came the incident where my wife and our second nanny argued over $40 for over an hour. My mother felt that the noise is not good for the babyand gave the nanny some money out of her pocket. This angered my wife and she later knocked on the table yelling at my mother that she is the woman of the house, and not my mother. My mother was so annoyed that she said that a divorce appears to be the only option. The next day my wife got scared and apologized, and my family dropped the issue.Now our son is five months old. We both love him very much, but I have serious doubts about my marriage. I've also met someone else that made me realize how bad my marriage was and how I am not such an ugly and unattractive man. I fell for her and we had an emotional affair. I know this is very wrong, and I am sorry for it. I've told my wife and we are going to counseling, but so far things have not improved much. She sometimes feels counseling is helping and sometimes says it is not useful, that we should talk it out ourselves.My wife is a good mother for our son, and I also try to be a good father. But when the baby is not around, we have a lot of anger in each of us, and rightly so. I still try to show that I care about her well-being by helping her with the baby, housework, and taking care of her parents who are now living with us, but I am feeling very hurt and alone.I am thinking about leaving, but I am concerned about my son. My wife and I talked about separating,and her reactions go from one extreme to another. Sometimes she would say we were never right for eachother from the beginning and we are wasting time together, that we should divorce but she wantsfull custody for at least the first two years. Another time she said she actually always loved me very much and begged me to stay. But I have trouble believing her.My parents and I feel that my son is the only good thing in our marriage which could cause me regret if I left. I asked my wife why she decided to have a baby when the relationship was so bad, and she gave me three different answers. The most convincing answer seems to be that after reaching a certain age, she feels I am an acceptable compromise since she probably won't be able to do better any more. Also, because I took care of everything around the house over the years, she has become very dependent on me. In recent weeks, she has become slightly easier to deal with, but I wonder if it will last, especially after her parents leave.Maybe there is a chance that all of this can be fixed, but I am feeling very doubtful, since she does not appear concerned about the problem except when I mention the possibility of divorce. I am very unhappy each day, it has made it difficult for me to stay focused at work or act playful with my son. I try hard, but I feel sad most of the time. And, even though I know it is not right, I do miss this other woman, and wonder if life would be better with her or someone else like her.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): Yes I think you should leave your `bad` marriage. You both married for reasons other than love, you for reasons of low self esteem and fear of being alone. Her for material gain and support. If it is over it is over.
A judge will decide if you get joint custody not your wife. I would find yourself a very good divorce lawyer and start proceedings for unreasonable behavior. You could be out of this mess in a short time...its your call.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): Your story makes me feel very sad. It's a prime example of why people should not be having children with each other unless they are in a loving happy secure and stable relationship. To do otherwise is irresponsible and reckless, I'm afraid to say. Children don't solve serious marital problems. They create stress in strong happy relationships, and make unhappy ones far worse. Unfortunately, when people try to use children as a means to turn around a failing marriage, by the time they've tried the experiment and found out that in fact the opposite happens and NOW they are ready to divorce..well unfortunately now the child is a complication in holding you back from the divorce you need. The child becomes collateral damage. So now you've painted yourself into a corner where no matter which way you choose going forward, it will be a long difficult and emotionally tumultuous road ahead. Stay in your marriage because of your child, and suffer depression and find yourself daydreaming about other women. Not a very good life, is it? You'll probably end up a serial cheater. If it happened once it can certainly happen again since nothing changed. Divorce and find that the other woman is no longer available and end up alone, and now without your child either. Not a good life either BUT at least this path is open-ended and can turn around at any time because you never know who you might meet in the future and if you're single you're free to take opportunities. And it's not like you'll never see your child again, just that you won't see them as much as you want to.
Being a single dad is rough though, there's no way around that so you have to be prepared. When your child's other parent is not someone who shares your life with you, this places a lot of restrictions on what you can do with your life too for example where you can live, how much money you will have left after child support and spousal support, meaning how much money you have to build your new life and support a new family with if you remarry. It's also harder to find a new woman who will want to commit to you if you're a single dad because you have "baggage". Many women don't want to get involved with men who already have kids because they see an uncomfortable future ahead involving the ex-wife or the man placing his kids above his new relationship so the new woman feels cheapened. these are all harsh realities which hold people back from getting divorced and compel them to stay in unhappy marriages.
Despite that I think you'd be better off leaving your marriage simply because you already know what it's like to be married to your wife. You don't know what it's like to divorced from her and single again with at least the chance to find a new love in the future.
But please don't divorce just because you have found the new woman that you were cheating on your wife with. There's no guarantees that she'll want to be with you "for real" when she knows that you're capable of infidelity. How will you ever reassure her that you won't cheat on her the way you cheated on your wife? No, don't fixate on your affair partner. Write her off, as a good lesson learned that relationships CAN be so much better than what you have with your wife. That should be inspiration enough to leave your marriage and seek a new better life. Divorce your wife so you can be single and free and then, as a free man, find and start a new relationship from scratch with nothing to hide, when the right woman comes along. best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): "Our relationship was rocky from the start"
" She broke up with me several times because she wasn't satisfied with me, but I couldn't let her go. She eventually said yes because she could use my help on adjusting to life in the US, but was not excited about getting married."
She made clear she wasn't into you and didn't want to get married, and that she was only saying yes because she "could use your help" so, why would you expect anything different? She made clear from the start what her feelings were for you and her motivations for staying with you. You were forewarned.
"During the early part of the marriage, I took over all of the house work ...because I thought it could help make her feel better about me, but it still did not. "
So you basically pandered, and lowered your own self esteem. You were reinforcing her lack of respect for you, because you do not respect your own self. No woman wants to be with a man who lacks self esteem so this probably turned her off even more to you. She already only saw you as a servant anyway. So by reinforcing her image of you, you're just entrenching yourself in this role.
"Some of the things she would say, either angrily or jokingly, are: "why did all my friends marry good looking guys and I did'nt?" "maybe you should jump out the balcony so I can be free of you." and "the way you dress and conduct yourself, it's very hard to imagine you can actually become anybody significant.""
Utterly disgusting how she treats you. No person with self-respect would put up with this "relationship." And yet you continued to stay with her?? Again, you are lowering your own self-esteem. In a twisted way, she probably respected you even less for sticking with her after she was this cruel to you. She can see that you have no self esteem and that makes her think you're more unattractive (than she originally thought).
"It was my hope that by owning a home together, we could find some new feelings toward each other. She was reluctant at first, but went with it in the end. "
Again, you are trying to buy her respect, which never works. You should not tolerate being treated the way she treats you. Only you can preserve and build up your own self confidence and you do that by choosing who you allow into your life and who you will kick out of your life. I don't understand why you continually decided to keep this woman in your life in the position of "wife" when she practically hates you (just that she loves your money and the convenience of your servitude).
"Things got a little better, she does not get angry with me or blame me for my bad looks as much, but she still did sometimes, and there were still no intimacy."
This is not surprising, is it? How much more evidence would you have needed that you should move on?
It's incredibly bad judgment to persist in keeping a person like this in your life, let alone in the role of your spouse. By doing so, you're now practically "asking for it"
And despite this, you decided to go ahead and have a baby with her??? I'm astounded at the severe lack of judgment here.
"She refused to let me kiss her and pushed me to finish as quickly as possible, without any connection or desire. I felt like a sperm donor. "
Well what did you expect?? This is just more of the same. It's absurd that you keep on denying reality despite all the wake up calls you've encountered, and then seem surprised and disappointed when more of the same happens.
"With so much negative energy in the house, I told her that I can't live with her any more, and maybe we would be better off divorced with a shared custody arrangement."
Finally you show some common sense.
"She angrily refused, saying that she will never give up full custody. Angry and hurt,..."
You must be brimming with anger and hurt by now. So what if she refused to divorce? Be a man, and file for divorce anyway. MOST divorces are unilateral decisions not democratic ones. MOST breakups are unilateral decisions. What good does it do for you to say "I want a divorce" and she says "No because I want you to continue doing stuff for me" and then you say, "Oh, OK we'll stay married then." That's absurd.
Be a man, and take action!!
"I talked to my parents about the problems in our marriage. At the time, they still suggested that I stay and try to work it out."
No, this is YOUR marriage, not your parents' marriage. Asking other people to decide for you what you should do in your marriage, is a cop-out for avoiding responsibility.
"We both love him very much, but I have serious doubts about my marriage."
Really, you think??? Sorry I don't mean to be rude, but this statement by now just sounds totally absurd. I'm just amazed at how you refuse to accept reality and then wonder why your life sucks so much.
"I've also met someone else that made me realize how bad my marriage was and how I am not such an ugly and unattractive man. I fell for her and we had an emotional affair. "
Yes this is very wrong. And you know why it happened? because your marriage has always sucked from the start so of course anyone else by comparison looks so much better and makes you feel like a million bucks. You need to look within yourself to figure out WHY you keep avoiding the root of the problem and thus ending up making more and more bad choices.
" I've told my wife and we are going to counseling, but so far things have not improved much. "
Of course not. Your marriage was never sound to begin with. Affairs break apart marriages that once were good. Yours was never even good to begin with.
"Sometimes she would say we were never right for each other from the beginning and we are wasting time together,"
YES she is correct. Look at the very first couple of sentences I quoted. In the beginning she wasn't interested, broke up with you several times, didn't want to marry you. YES this means you were never right for each other from the beginning. I think you both knew it but again, refusal to accept reality....
"that we should divorce but she wants full custody for at least the first two years."
That is for the courts to decide. Your lawyer should be fighting for your rights as a father as well as what's in the child's best interests, it's not all up to her to get everything she wants. And even if she gets full custody for just 2 years, so what? You would sacrifice the rest of your life because you can't give up 2 years?
"Another time she said she actually always loved me very much and begged me to stay. But I have trouble believing her."
You have trouble believing her? Really? gee I wonder why?? Don't you think she's only begging you to stay because you've made yourself into her servant so she doesn't have to lift a finger?
"I am very unhappy each day, it has made it difficult for me to stay focused at work or act playful with my son. I try hard, but I feel sad most of the time. "
And this is why you need to leave her. You know what is the consequence for staying in a marriage such as yours? Your present life, that's the consequence.
"And, even though I know it is not right, I do miss this other woman, and wonder if life would be better with her or someone else like her."
Life will be better with someone else. You could have been married and raising a family with this other woman if you had long ago left your horrible wife already. Unfortunately because you chose to start an affair, now you will never know about the "what if's" with the other woman. Once you've crossed the line and committed adultery, you've set up that new relationship on the wrong footing because it's based on lies and deceit and dishonesty. I suggest you forget this other woman. When a relationship starts out based on lies and deceit, you will end up suspicious of each other wondering if you are cheating on each other just as you started out by cheating on your wife with her. Get divorced by all means, and look forward to some day meeting someone new and having a much better relationship and maybe even remarrying, but accept it probably won't be with this other woman.
you need to get out of this so-called marriage as soon as possible. Child or no child, this marriage is not headed anywhere positive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): I'm sorry that you're in such a miserable situation, and sorry if my words sound harsh, but you brought this on yourself. Some things in life you can't control such as natural disasters that may befall you, some illnesses or accidents that may affect you.
But your present unhappiness was within your control, you just kept making one bad decision on top of another driven by fear and insecurity, and you need to see that so that you can start making positive changes in your life for once.
Let's analyze your marriage history. You knew from the start that your wife felt disdain and contempt for you. You knew from the beginning that she wasn't satisfied with you no matter how hard you tried. That should have been reason enough to leave the relationship. Disgust and contempt is the number one killer of marriages (even more so than fighting). Once you feel disgust for someone it's very hard to feel intimate or attracted to them. whether or not you're an unattractive guy is not the point. the point is that this is how she felt about you , and you knew it long ago and yet you chose to go ahead and marry her. If she was already expressing such contempt and dissatisfaction with you, then whatever you felt back towards her certainly was not love, more of a fear of being alone. So you should not have married her because there was no love to begin with.
But, you were also using her - you stayed with her because you were/are too afraid to be alone. So you need to take personal responsibility for that and realize it was a big mistake on your part, that this whole marriage was a big mistake. You can't "fix" a marriage that was never even close to whole to begin with.
The second major mistake you made was in choosing to go ahead and have a baby anyway despite how horrible your marriage is. Babies do not save marriages, and it's unfair to the poor child to bring it into a marriage such as yours because it will never have a happy home - either constant unhappiness and strife between the parents, or eventual divorce anyway. Having a baby is just about the most important life changing decision you can make, it is completely horrible and selfish to have a baby based on reasons like trying to save a toxic marriage or because you think it will raise your confidence in yourself or whatever.
As you can see, having a baby in this kind of relationship just makes everything even worse. Pre-baby you had more options to divorce your wife and move on with your life and some day find a better woman to start a family with. But now that you are tied down to your wife because you have a baby, it's not so easy to just divorce anymore.
And then the third major mistake you made was getting into an affair. I don't blame you for feeling deprived in your marriage, but the decent thing to do is to END THAT MARRIAGE FIRST so you can be morally free to pursue other people. I know you didn't go looking or deliberately pursuing someone else, but you could have stopped when you felt an attraction to someone else and either continued to stay miserable forever or finally gotten divorced, and then continued exploring where it would go with that new woman.
I'm not just saying all this to make you feel bad. I'm trying to help you to understand where you went wrong and that while your wife is a pretty nasty person, it's not all her fault because she could not force you to do anything you did not allow yourself to do. So you played a role in creating your miserable life as well, and if you're ever going to get out of this hole you keep digging deeper into, the first step is you need to realize that you have the power to make changes in your life!!
yes it's easy for me to sit here and say all this because I'm not living in your shoes (but I've led a similar life), which is precisely why I hope you will at least consider what I'm saying, because I have a more objective view that's unclouded.
"My parents and I feel that my son is the only good thing in our marriage which could cause me regret if I left."
Since you let your life get so out of hand, now whichever way you go you will have regret. So, making yet more decisions based on fear (this time fear of regret) is really going to be an unhealthy way to make your next decision.
Don't listen to your parents. Not because what they say is wrong (there is a lot of truth in what they say) but because you need to take responsibility for yourself and think for yourself and make your own decisions, not leave your life up to other people whether it is your wife or your parents. when you let other people decide your life's course for you, it's really no surprise that you will end up in a place you don't want to be and feeling very powerless and low in self-esteem, because you did not develop the courage to take responsibility for making your own decisions for yourself. But it's never too late to finally do that.
Now that you've brought a baby into your marriage, you will have regrets either way whether you stay with your wife or divorce. If you divorce, you'll regret that you won't be able to see as much of your child. If you stay, you'll regret that you're still WITH your wife and haven't progressed a single iota in your psychological health, because of still being subjected to her emotional abuse. You may even some day come to resent your child for "making" you stay in this marriage and "making" you live this life. So again, it's time to realize that your life, doing what it takes to give you peace of mind and nurture your own emotional health and well-being in an ethical and healthy way, is your responsibility and no one else's.
"I asked my wife why she decided to have a baby when the relationship was so bad, and she gave me three different answers. "
Wait a minute. Your wife isn't the only one who decided to have a baby when the relationship was so bad, YOU DID TOO. Again, you need to take personal responsibility for your life, not just be leaving it up to other people and then being unhappy, and then putting the responsibility for your unhappiness onto them. Your wife had her reasons which are clear: she is selfish and was just using you to provide her materialistic things that she wanted such as financial security, the "status" of being a married person, and domestic help. It's clear she never actually wanted you for who you are, and you knew it all along since before you married her. You willingly allowed her to use you like this, you could have said "no" to the marriage, you could have divorced her sooner, you could have said "no" to having children with her, but you didn't. so you can't now put all the blame onto her for how miserable you are right now.
"The most convincing answer seems to be that after reaching a certain age, she feels I am an acceptable compromise since she probably won't be able to do better any more. "
But you knew this all along, judging from the history of your relationship even pre-marriage. You chose to stay with a person like this because you were too afraid to be alone and seek a better partner.
"Also, because I took care of everything around the house over the years, she has become very dependent on me. "
Again, you knew this all along. Yes she is selfish and doesn't love you, she has always just stayed with you because of what you can provide for her and not because she actually likes you. If she had found another guy she preferred she would have dumped you in a heartbeat. She could very well dump you in heartbeat any time in the future if she finds another guy. (And if she does, that would be just one more evidence of her selfishness BUT it would ironically be more ethical than staying married to you while cheating on you.)
Now you've gotten involved in an affair. It's not your fault for being susceptible to falling in love with someone since you obviously were never in love with your wife to begin with. As you can see, there is more to life than misery and being put down continually. But again, this was yet another really really bad decision on your part and you need to take responsibility for it. It's morally wrong to be married and be in an affair. If you really want to be with someone else instead of your wife that's OK (and I certainly dont' blame you, in fact I wish you would have left your wife ages ago), BUT the decent and ethical thing to do is to terminate your marriage immediately and deal with the consequences and fall out of divorce.
So what should you do now? I think you need to first divorce your wife, and live as a single dad for awhile. There's no way your wife is ever going to "want" you, she never did. You're not ugly or unattractive, you're just not what she ever wanted. She's only with you to use you for your money and labor and then to make a baby so she could get another thing she wanted which was motherhood. She wanted all these things for HERSELF only, and was just using you to accomplish them, and you knew it from the start. She will not change in her attitude to you (except for temporarily if you try to leave because she doesn't want her resource-provided to go away). She will not ever suddenly find you more attractive. So if it's a normal healthy relationship you want, it's not going to happen with her.
You need to get over your fear of being alone because it is this very fear that has led you into this horrible mess that you're in now, and which you've dragged a poor innocent child into. Fear of being alone (i.e. of not being in a relationship) is what drives people to get into and stay in the first relationship they can get no matter how toxic it is, and that's what happened to you so you need to get over your fear of being alone so that your next relationship won't be driven in this direction.
You also need to take responsibility for your own part in creating your present miserable life. Yes your wife is a horrible person, I do 100% feel that. She is completely selfish and has emotionally abused you and I don't believe she is someone you should be married to. But that's not the end of the story. It takes two people to have a relationship so you were also responsible for where you are now. You could have dumped her long ago but instead you agreed to marry her, that was your decision as much as hers. You could have divorced her pre-baby, instead you decided to go ahead and make a baby with her, that was your decision too. Now you are letting your parents decide for you whether you stay or leave your marriage? And then in the meantime you get into an affair? You're out of control! Today you need to start "owning" your life not leave it in the hands of other people.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 You poor man! Your wife sounds like a dragon lady. You have been in an emotionally abusive relationsip with this lady for a long time. YOu are not ugly nor unattractive. From your post you seem to be a genuine sweet man who is trying to give her everything she wants.
if you are this unhappy then you need to leave. What people forget wthen they have children is that you are setting the example for htem. Do you want your son to grow up and think it is normal for a wife to treat her husband that way?
I think if you were to leave her she would get a shock, I don't think that she really believes that you will go.
What about a trial seperation? You could then figure out how you feel about each other? Clear your mind and figure out what you want from your life and relationship.
Also remember that you have rights to your child too. Its not all about her.
Best of luck to you. Be strong!
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A
female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 That's a sad love story, ur a great guy and u don't deserve to live like this. Yo problem is that u always beg her for everything. Ur the man and u need to show it. Love is not about looks or anything for that matter. only connection, love and respect. She treats u like a doormat an a slave. That's why she keeps u because ur her maid. Leave her. Nobody deserve to be treated like that. Uve got feelings an u need to be loved an not like this. Please get out of that life before u regret everthing about life.
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