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female
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anonymous
writes: First off--i have been dating and trying to meet someone and also keeping busy but it still doesn't change my feelings for my ex.my ex and i were together for over 3 years and broke up over a year ago but noone did anything so wrong..no cheating or anything..just arguments over silly thingsi contacted him a year later leaving a v-mail and he called me back a few minutes later and i explained my regrets and he said he can't jump back into this which I understood. We can't rush back into being together. He also said there are financial things going on stressing him out and also how he feels closed off right now. He said we would exchange calls and then meet. We have been talking for a few months about twice a week He does seem like he isn't happy with the way things in his life are going (unless he is bs'ing me). He says with the mortgage he is paying for his mother's house he has negative income coming in and that he also might have to give up his apartment. He also said he thinks his job will be making rounds of layoffs and he would eventually be affected. He also said if he gave up his apartment (and I live at home but actually might be moving out soon but i didn't tell him that yet) he said where are we going to go; what are we going to do? you need money to do some things etc. I said its not a reason to not see someoneHe said it doesn't feel right to him right now to see each other. He said he can't erase all the negative things or red flags that happened before etc (noone cheated or anything; it was just petty arguments that should have been avoided) He said at the very least just put things on hold and that he needs to square other things away first and that he just isn't in that mindset right now and to basically give it more time. I asked him do you want me to go away and he said he isn't ready to say ok don't talk to me anymore. And I asked so you don't even know if you want to see me in a few months? and he said well it would have to be within a few months or so and that he can't expect me to wait 5 years for a phone call and i told him no i can't do that. I also pointed out it seems like you are turning down the idea without even trying and he said what we have been doing now is trying but he just isn't ready right now. And he said he knows what will happen when we do see each other; it will just be more and more--whatever that means--becoming attached again?We had another conversation after that but the last time we spoke was mid january. I decided to reach out to him and after texting back and forth we spoke later that night.And he basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me. I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did. I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer? I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change.I tried getting as much direct info as i could and i said it makes me nervous because sometimes i think maybe you know for sure you don't ever want to see me again and you just don't want to the bad guy. And he said that isn't really right because if it was just about me and not wanting specifically me he would have been seeing someone already and its not about that. He said that he isn't going anywhere..i think he could hear i was a little upset and said again i'm definitely not going anywhere and we can talk soon..we can talk tomorrow, next week..whenever i want to talk. Should i leave the door open and keep talking and keep in touch while i continue to date and hang out with my friends? I still do care about him deeply.
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female
reader, Xtina356  +, writes (23 April 2010):
He sounds like he has a lot of personal financial issues going on right now. If he is a good decent guy who is responsible, which it sounds like he is, he just can't build a relationship with someone right now. Financial instability is bringing him down emotionally and it's consuming all his thoughts.
The only thing you can do right now is be his friend and be supportive. He has to take care of himself and his issues right now. You can't solve them. He doesn't sound like the type who wants to burden others with his problems.
What you should continue to do is live your life. Go out with your friends. Work towards getting that apartment that you plan on getting. Focus on your career. Take vacations with friends and do all the things that you always dreamed of doing. You'll meet new people along the way and have many amazing experiences.
Eventually, your ex will overcome his financial problems and be ready to date again. Since you were supportive when he was down, he won't forget you for that. Especially because you never pushed him for more.
Now this doesn't guarantee that he'll come back to you. You may decide in time that he's not the one for you. But as you give him the space that he needs to figure out his problems, you will have enjoyed your life.
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