A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I had insecurities in the beginning but I worked on them and haven't has issues like that for at least 2 years. He first became extremely angry (name calling and violence) in the beginning and said that I had worn him out with my insecurities. But over the years I've improved on those issues but the name calling and violence has remained. Now he will say its because I "talk to him like shit and treat him like shit". My understanding is that he feels I'm difficult to please. He makes a lot of effort and then I'll raise some complaint or further requests and this makes him feel taken for granted. He also feels I force my opinions on him and he calls this gaslighting and abuse on my part. The things is, he really is the perfect boyfriend most of the time but a couple of times a week he'll get just a little angry (shouting only) over something I consider to be small but he'll calm down and apologise/make it up to me etc. And every couple of weeks he'll really explode (name calling and violence) and often says he doesn't want to be with me because he's not happy with how I treat him. In these cases he usually takes longer show remorse but does eventually (sometimes only after I apologise for whatever I did in the first place). I have been torn between staying and leaving. The difficult parts are 1.how well he treats me when hes not angry and 2. Who am I to say that I haven't been treating him like shit without realising it. Surely if he goes for from Jekyll to hyde it must be something wrong with me? And if I should leave, how can I I myself from this guilt and doubt? Any help appreciated, thanks :)
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female
reader, HopelesslyDevoted44  +, writes (24 January 2021):
Ok, first of all, you still need therapy. I’m not saying that in a condescending way, I’m saying that as in I understand because this sounds all too familiar. Only thing is, on my part, he hasn’t completely given up on me yet. But with that being said, I agree with CodeWarrior when he said
“I think he's on a hair trigger with you because he became conditioned to your attacks”
If it has escalated to violence, leave. Take care of yourself. Continue with therapy. Get right with yourself before you move on. Please.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2021): You're an incompatible-couple. You're still seriously insecure; and he has a temper-management issue. He has done nothing about his temper; and you prickle with his short temperedness, knowing the guy has a short fuse. In all reality, you shouldn't even be together. You always wind-up in the same place. Him losing-it, and you complaining about something. The relationship is always on-edge. That's a sign of incompatible personalities. He's not the so-called "perfect boyfriend;" it's just a period of calm before he goes-off at you again. You would rather take all the blame, to avoid reading the writing on the wall!
I speculate that the relationship has just about run its course. His aggression is hard to take! Your whining and complaining is like nails on a chalkboard in his ears!
You need to work on your insecurities, and get over whomever caused them; and he needs anger-management therapy, and to stop using his aggression against women...even if they tend to get on his nerves!!!
You do not remain with a man who is prone to violence, verbally-abusive, resorts to name-calling, and has temper-management issues.
Insecurities kill relationships. You can't have love without trust. You're apparently carrying baggage from your previously-failed relationship(s). He seems to be an impatient type of guy with anger-issues; and nothing is more volatile than mixing these two types of people together! It's combustible! Immaturity is a problem on both sides. The relationship is always going to be contentious; because you're basically wrong for each-other. Thus we expect to be reminded of that common disclaimer: "But I love him!"
How much love are you two exchanging when you keep fighting and trading blame?
If you treat him like poop, what's he hanging around for? You didn't explain what "violence" means? I will assume he hits walls, breaks things, and flies into rages. You avoided telling us if he has ever put his hands on you; because you know we would tell you get the hell out of there!
Advice will take time to penetrate. "But you love him!" As far as I'm concerned, I don't care how dreamy of a boyfriend he can be; you have the ability to bring out the worst in him. That's incompatibility!
He repeatedly claims you treat him like "sh*t! Who wants to stay with someone if they treat them like that? Who's to blame? You're both to blame; because you're a bad-mix and you won't accept the fact! You're becoming drama-addicted, and you're worsening your insecurities by the day! Name-calling and verbal-abuse have a very toxic and slowly degenerative-effect on your self-esteem, and it's highly intimidating. You can only take so much of it, before it gives you PTSD! You probably have a habit of sticking with the wrong guy too long; until he becomes another emotional-scar, and a new wave of insecurities.
This will go on and on until he gets sick of it; or you just can't take it anymore! It's running its course as we're all writing our responses to your post. In any case, you don't need to be around anyone capable of violence and rage. They will eventually physically harm you! If he hasn't already!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2021): Hi
I think you are both unhealthy together, never is violence acceptable but neither is covert passive abuse.
Learn from mistakes and work on your insecurities before jumping into another relationship.
Don't carry guilt, learn more about yourself and understand what you found unacceptable in this relationship when you used to feel insecure and solve it. He has no excuse for his angry violent outbursts and should not blame you, rather, seek help for his anger problem and separate from the source of his anger. YOU!
Both have issues that need addressing separately.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2021):
 Seriously OP?
You call him "the perfect BF?" Except for a couple of times a WEEK where he scream and uses violence?!! How is that in ANY world being a perfect BF? Ever?
Surely, if you REALLY treated him like shit, YOU would know. Right?
I mean most people know when they are being a BIT over the top, too critical, want to many changes from the other person etc.
He is absolutely GASLIGHTING you.
And no, him going from Jekyll to Hyde is not your fault, that is something HE chooses to do. You might SET it off but he doesn't HAVE to react with violence or screaming/yelling and name-calling.
How about you leave him and have ABSOLUTELY no contact with him. See how you feel when you have a week or 5 without being yelled at, called names or used as a punching bag... My guess it will HELP you realize he is NOT the guy for you.
Leave while you still can.
And don't play dumb here, this is your life. You know how he behaves is not good. This is NOT how someone who CARES about you act.
After you break up and move on, TAKE a GOOD while to be single and work on yourself. Accept that you shouldn't DATE fixer-uppers because YOU can not MAKE someone change to SUIT you.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (7 January 2021):
 He really is the perfect boyfriend most of the time?. So in between the bouts of anger, violence and making you feel like shit he is the perfect guy.
By your own admission he is angry, shouts, name calls, and is violent. These are major red flags in this relationship and you need to leave him, sooner rather than later.
He is using manipulation tactics, making you think that its your fault the way he is.
There is nothing wring with you, the only mistake your making is still sticking around.
OP his violence could get physical, you need to be strong, and leave him. Confide in family and friends, don't go through this alone. But you must leave him, he is no good.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 January 2021):
 Why are you nit picking the perfect boyfriend?
Yes he should leave you. You can't be happy with him.
Yes you should leave him. He uses emotional violence (yelling) to get his way.
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