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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: It's hard for me to admit this, because I have worked hard at my marriage, but I'm not happy. And that's an understatement. My husband has serious anger issues that he doesn't want to deal with. I understand why he is like that, I mean, what I want to say is that he suffers from a sort of a PTSD due to a horrible childhood, but the fact remains that he's very hard to live with. Very hard. I never regretted not having children with him. They would have gone through hell. Today my husband wasn't happy how he was treated by our family doctor and he was right, but instead of saying injustices happen or talking about it normally, he started yelling and swearing, as he usually does. And our dog, just put his tail between his legs and hid beneath our bed. I wanted to join him. Just disappear. Because he's not only yelling at walls, he's yelling at me, he's looking for a fight and what ever I do/say or not do/say will be a bad thing.My therapist thinks that I'm depressed. Not enough for meds, but still. I just lost all the desire to enjoy life. And I'm ashamed of it, because most people around me are making plans, and I sometimes pretend that I too have them, but if I were to be honest about what I feel I want, I'd say "to be let alone". The only good think about the way I'm feeling is that I can't tolerate BS anymore. For instance, I have a narcissistic friend for whom I have ZERO tolerance. I don't have energy to listen to her anymore. So, I don't. But I don't tell her WHY, I just avoid her.But there are so many bad things. I don't feel like doing anything except reading or watching films. I stopped exercising and gained weight. I eat. Not because I enjoy it but because it soothes me. Thank God I don't drink or use any kind of drugs, because I would probably look for something to take the edge off.I just don't know how to get back on my feet. The pandemic has seriously aggravated my husband's temper. Now he works from home twice a week (and he's stressed about it because he would like it to be a permanent thing - 5x a week) and I have no peace. I have always worked from home, cooked and cleaned and now, he's often here and he's never in a good mood.I feel so drained. If I had money, I would have walked away... just grabbed the dog and my passport and left everything, wouldn't look back...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2021): I would echo what others have said, and I am sorry you are in this rubbish situation.
Thinking practically so as not to repeat other answers, is the home in both of your names?
Do you work (be it from home or otherwise?)
Do you have family who live either nearby or within a drivable distance? (Do you drive for that matter?)
Does he have parents that could take him in or who you could explain this to?
More importantly, do you have a separate bank account?
,
I ask these questions because you know what you have to do, you just need to form an action plan. If he has parents, the easiest thing to do is ask him to move out and go live with them. Then change the locks and start divorce proceedings.
If not, then unfortunately you are going to need to find somebody to stay with. Reach out to friends, family, or failing this you will need to research what welfare you are entitled to and find a rental (and take the dog).
Your mental health has to come first and this won't be easy which is why you are going to need moral support. For this reason I really think you need to be letting friends and family know what is going on so they can help you with this.
Like it or not, you are being emotionally abused and you need an escape route -fast!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2021): It's amazing how many wives say their husband is impossible and cruel because he has PTSD. Does this mean he was in the war fighting shooting and defending himself from bullets? What has caused it and why was it not treated? And why say this as if it is an acceptable excuse? When a husband hurts his wife continually he knows he is doing it and he knows he needs therapy to stop - the fact that he does not bother to sort this out shows a total lack of consideration and care for the wife.
I was living with a very abusive and violent man - I will not go into loads of detail - but at the time I had no choice - but as soon as I realised he was this had I started to work as hard as I could, sometimes doing four part time jobs working till 3 am in the morning and all weekend, either to get out and get away from him or to earn money where I could save some until I had enough to end the relationship. That makes a lot more sense than telling us you need money. You are a grown up. Grown ups usually have skills, talents and qualifications, it is a big mistake if they don't, so if you do not have some already learn some, get some education, do what it takes so that you can stand on your own feet and get money and leave and be single.
Whatever your husband's faults he deserves to be living with a woman who wants to be with him, not one who is there just because of his money.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2021): First let me say, I'm very sorry for your situation. It must be very hard being almost in a form of prison; and it's like you have the devil for a cellmate!
Everyone is affected by the isolation and confinement, but I am sick to death of these people who can only react to the situation with anger and cruelty; as if they're the only ones going through it! Gosh, everyone is so entitled and spoiled; as if they think they're getting the worst of it all! Try being those people with family-members dying or dead! Try being one of those scared healthcare workers treating covid patients; or the doctor or nurse holding the hand of a dying patient! I don't like always wearing masks, or being stuck at home; but I'm going to make the best of my situation, until it changes. Things will never be the same; but God is good, and He gives me peace.
People like your husband think being stuck at home is hell??? I've worked in healthcare, but never in a pandemic! Yet I've had to watch people die! You feel helpless, grief-stricken, and your heart feels heavy as lead! He's pissed at the world, because he can't get-out and enjoy himself? Try being on a ventilator? Try recovering after a bad covid infection. He's not infected...but I'm so so sorry he had a little incident with his doctor! At least the doctor isn't treating him for covid while he struggles for life. Doctors, nurses, healthcare staff, essential-workers, policemen, firemen, EMT's, and maintenance people are human too; but they expose themselves everyday to provide us services. No, you can't hangout or party like it's 1999! It ain't 1999, it's a pandemic, and your husband will just have to deal with it!!!
Your husband had problems long before the pandemic. You chose the wrong guy, and you had all the warning-signs before you while you dated him! He didn't suddenly transform into what he is. He always was who he is! You ignored it! Love is not blind, it can see warnings and red-flags. People just choose to delude themselves and live in denial. Stop blaming the pandemic for a bad-choice! It just brought out what is already there!
The heck with his PTSD, if he never bothered to seek God, counseling, or therapy. Yet you married him! Just because someone had a difficult childhood doesn't give them any special right to put everybody around them through hell. If you've never sought any help, you're just a menace and a troublemaker; and it's just too bad life wasn't a bed of feathers and a sack of gold for you!!! We've all got our problems!
Empathy, compassion, and sympathy is for the weak and helpless. Those broken and oppressed, who want help; and may not have access to resources or options, due to poverty or remoteness. I have no sympathy for mean-people who takeout all their agitation on everybody else. They ought to be round-up and forced to live on an island with people just like them, or worse! We are supposed to pray for them, but love them from a distance. He's the man you chose to exchange your vows with. Where's all your family?
If people are mean, unrepentant and angry; they should be left alone. Withdraw from their presence! You have to allow them to deal with their demons, tribulations, and all the unholy hell that comes at them...without you! They reject God or love; so you can't rescue people who want to be angry and lash out at the world. That's what Jesus does, and only He is equipped to redeem and save them. We should just get out of their way! You must do everything you can to salvage your marriage. When all efforts fail, divorce! Let him live in his own hell, not drag you down into it!
The year 2020 was tough for all of us, and that's an understatement! I take time to advise people on DC; and to comfort my family, neighbors, and friends. By the grace of God, I try to look away from myself, dwelling on my problems, or whining and complaining. I try instead to be considerate of the suffering and loneliness of others. Yes, I do have my angry moments. I get tired of this freaking pandemic, I'm sick of the nasty politics and division, and I'm fed-up we seeing rampant cruelty and selfishness in people! I pray and meditate. God gives me comfort, peace, and strength. Then I try to help others. I've been conditioned by Jesus to endure suffering. I have faith to survive on, and I have God to provide for me and protect me. Thus, I will survive this pandemic.
Your husband wouldn't be so nasty right now; unless the guy has been a ticking timebomb all along! It's most unfortunate that you locked yourself up in a marriage with someone with too much of an aggressive personality. Men are supposed to be strong and make women feel safe. You're also supposed to have your own strength. It's what you survive on when there's nobody else to lean or depend on. Husbands don't live forever, boyfriends don't always stick around, and you may be single for long periods living alone.
As you can see from experience, you can have a man and be totally miserable!
I know most women think aggressiveness and toughness defines masculinity. No, it takes more than that. It takes being able to control yourself, managing your temper, and not using our physical-strength to bully or intimidate. Having gentleness with women and children; and being strong when the situation demands it. That's manhood, and what defines our masculinity. Not being a jackass who yells and pushes everybody around when you feel a little irritated. Merely over-powering and showing dominance over the weak doesn't make you a leader. It's knowing how to use your power, and creating something good with it.
I feel you! Stuck with his tantrums and outbursts; and your poor dog not understanding what the heck is going-on! His yelling is amplified five times that of the normal hearing-range of a human being! He hears your husband on loudspeaker almost to a deafening-pitch! He's terrified, thus he hides under things! I wouldn't be surprised if he mistreats the animal! He sure verbally-abuses YOU!!!
You must pray, meditate, and make a plan. Ask God to help you find your peace and strength. It's unlikely your husband wants to change, but you still must pray for him. He may come-around someday, but that might not be soon enough to save your marriage. Your post is one of fear and desperation; and that's not how the man you've given your life and heart should make you feel. His PTSD is no excuse, and I'm done with justifying or tolerating bad-behavior in people who make no effort to help themselves. For now, you can only stash-away money. Try and get legal advice from a divorce attorney, or find someone who consults pro bono; until you're able to pay for legal services. Know your rights, and protect yourself. You shouldn't feel overpowered and intimidated in your own home!!! You may have to facetime with an attorney until covid restrictions are lifted.
I would keep confrontation to a minimum. Not out of fear or submission, but to diffuse tension. Make it clear to him that when he's out of control and can't control his rage, that he scares you and the dog. I suggest you hangout in the opposite side of the house from wherever he is during his rages. When he yells, leave him alone. Have your phone with you, record the noise, and play it back on a 911 call to let the dispatcher know his frame of mind. Men out of control and intimidating people belong in jail; or in an environment more equipped to deal with their rage and aggression.
Start the legal wheels in motion to file for a divorce. You might have to leave first, if you can find a safe-place. It's unlikely he'll leave, unless under a court-order. Don't do anything without a plan, unless you have to leave under threat for your safety. Have a friend or family member ready to take you in when things get out of control.
This serves as a lesson to people who don't have a reliable support-system; or those completely estranged from family, due to silly feuds and stubborn unforgiveness. No man is an island, and you cannot make everyone an enemy; and think you can survive completely alone. It isolates you. It might say something about yourself and your own character; when you have no-one and no place to turn. That's a clear indication you better make God a part of your life; because those of us who turn to Him know we don't have to be alone, or deal with trouble without His help. There are things too big for us to handle alone, and we don't always have the money or kindness of strangers to depend on. God is available 24/7 and 365!
Things will get better, have faith! God bless you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2021): This pandemic is difficult for anyone to deal with, but it's a threatened to your mental and physical health to be trapped with an abuser. His PTSD doesn't justify this abuse... Yes, abuse.
A lot of people have suggested to rehome or leave the dog behind and I feel upset to hear this. The dog Isma life that depends on you. If you leave the dog behind then God knows what your husband will do to it. Find the dog a loving home before you go, take the dog with you or find someone to temporarily look after it until you have gained stability. A pet feels hurt, pain, fear. Do the right thing.
You need to get out. Save some money, and leave. This situation isn't sustainable.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (7 January 2021):
 This pandemic is not easy for anyone. But to be in the pandemic, with a stressed verbally abusive partner is very difficult.
I think that you have come to the realisation that this relationship is over.
Now you have got to start thinking about your future and what you are going to do, a definiteness of purpose, a plan.
I think you need to start with working on yourself, get yourself to that good feeling place, maybe cut back on the eating and get out and do some exercise. Make this a daily activity and start loving yourself again.
By being in this better feeling place you will have more confidence in yourself, and idea's about what to do will be more free flowing.
Don't be affraid to confide in family and friends, they may be able to offer you some help and useful ideas as well. Just don't go through this alone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 January 2021):
 Rehome your dog.
Then start putting money aside as best as you can, sell stuff you can't bring with you.
When you have enough for a flight out, contact SOMEONE at the other end and ask if you can stay with them. Then take off. Worry about the divorce when you get to your destination. As soon as you get there, FIND a job, then find a place to live. THEN... work on filing for divorce.
You know what you need to do. MAKE a plan.
Also, get back to working out. Getting fat won't help you feel better. I know food can be "soothing" but it also makes you more unhappy when you can't fit your clothes, you hurt all over and you feel bad about your looks.
Have a plan, set some goals. And if you need to vent, this is a good place.
Just don't stagnate in this unhappiness.
I absolutely agree with CodeWarrior. Being abusive is not an excuse for people with PTDS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2021): Oh my..You need a weekend off alone somewhere nice.After that time off reevaluate your life and what you want.If you want to stay stay.If you want to leave see a lawyer first before you even tell him.You may be way better off than you think you are.Think assets retirement package property which are all at least half yours because of a long term marriage.How about spousal support?Look the only thing that is holding you back is money...You may be way better off than you think you are.See a lawyer so you know what you got them go from there.
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