A
female
age
36-40,
*earchingtobeContented
writes:Hi..so here goes.I am a recent newlywed and I have also just had a wonderful baby. I have been with my husband for a few years before we got married. He had cheated on me in the past but our relationship was long distance, the problem is he changed his story so many times I dont know how many people he cheated on me with or who or for how long. I then find out when married he has cheated with someone else but claims this was before we got married but I dont believe him.I moved far away from my hometown to be with him and he is also from a different culture so although my close family were at my wedding quite a few didnt show. I knew this would happen but thought he was more important then people who had a problem with race. Now I am lonely, living far away from home with a man who has broken my heart time and time again. He has tried hard to get my trust back, he is very kind to me yet I cant seem to stop getting angry when I see something that triggers me off.It has got to the stage that I hate going to town with him because I feel he wants every other women other then me. I have become jealous and have even become threatened with people see off the tv!!!I hate who I have become and am soo embarrased for having these negative thoughts but I cant shift them.I am staying in this relationship for my newborn and for the love I feel when I am not angry, but have found myself thinking my baby may be better off if we split now rather then later as he is too young to have a norm.I would never stop my husband from seeing him and dont plan to be with another man myself, I just want to be free from feeling so insecure and afraid all the time.What would you suggest?? please help me, I am really struggling with this.
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cheated on me, insecure, jealous, long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SearchingtobeContented +, writes (11 June 2009):
SearchingtobeContented is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would not expect you to apologise for the length at all, I think you have hit the nail on the head through out, a lot of what you have said he has said. You are right in regards to our age also, he was 25 this year and I have just turned 24. Thank you for taking the time to read my question and to offer a warm and constructive answer. We are currently going through councelling and it is slowly helping.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Apologies for the length of the note but I feel strongly about our societies issues and the main problem at the moment is family breakdown. I have shown this to my wife and although she understands your pain, we both believe in working on your marriage until it is put right. This leads to far more happiness and fulfilment then anything else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I think you could do with a Mans prospective on this. Reading between the lines if your husband is around the same age as you are, so early 20s when you were dating, I just dont think he would have the maturity or dedication to maintain a long distance relationship, or to truly understand what it takes. God I think back at myself at that age! As good their intensions may be, they just aren’t mature or understanding enough of women and relationships. Now you sound like a lovely person and I am sure your husband will have come to this conclusion over time and decided that you are the one for him, he wants to marry you. These days a Man that marries young is more likely to stay faithful, this is because he will have chosen to marry his girlfriend against social pressures to remain single. This shows that he has chosen to leave the single life/the fooling around behind him for good. Where as an older Man getting married, is a lot of the time, doing it to conform to social pressures to marry. Marriage can be the ultimate cut off point for a young man, its branded as this great fear, the days of acting like an idiot are over, so I guess he knew all this and still wanted to marry you. He will have come to the conclusion that you give him all he needs and that he would be happier with just you. He was done with everything else. So for the reasons mentioned above you should feel confident that he only wants you and that he is sure that he only needs you. You should not feel threatend by other women they will not be relevant to your husbands life. You say you feel love for your husband, this is a huge plus. He is kind to you and trying to gain your trust and you have given him a baby, you will be all he cares about right now! And I am sure he is very scared of losing you!I think you should throw caution to the wind and give your marriage a full go. Marriage is the most wonderful thing when both parties are fully committed and any previous pain will get swallowed up. You have a child now so you should really give it a go, you have nothing to lose, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Now this is all relevant if you husband is around the same age as you... If he is in his 30s then it’s a different story, he should have known better. I am sincerely sorry if this is the case but your life can come good you are only young.So if he is around your age then you can definitely be happy again. As you have a child, like one of the ladies before said, he will always be around, so why not be together and happy then just seeing each other and wondering what if you had staid together. Give your marriage a full go, be a great wife, and he will be so grateful and relieved, he will never risk losing you. The pain you feel now will be replaced with happiness and pride for your young family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009):
Marriage is sacred, stay and fight. If he knows how you feel and loves you, he will fight for you and do anything you need. Put your energy into getting better and making your marriage stronger and better. Your husband needs to realise what an idiot he was and how badly he behaved. If is genuine about fighting for you, than you should fight for your marriage.
He will always be around you have a child, you will be so much happier in the longrun if you turn this around and stay together. You need to have serious words, make understand the pain he caused and put together a plan to stay together and be faithfull and kind to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Your pain sadens me. I am talking as a woman with experience (married for 20 years). I really believe that once a cheater does not mean always a cheater. (again speaking from experience). you need to really know how commited your husband is to you and your child. If he is genuilly commited then you can be happy again, you do seem to love him. If you are sad away from you family you should see if he is willing to move closer, your should make sure he is willing to bend over backwards for you. See if he has change his lifestyle.
You should never be embarised about your feelings, what he did had nothing to do with you. Cheating is usually down to the cheaters issues, if he genually seems to have concored them by beeing with you then he will be happier with you. A child is best off with both parents.
First you should focus on helping yourself feel better and rid yourself of these negative thoughts, a therapy course can help. Then make sure your husband is 100% commited to you, test him. Then focus on giving your all to your family and you will grow stronger then ever. You are young and you and your husband can start afresh and you pain will be replaced with love and happiness. I nearly left my husband and i am so happy i didnt, we have four beutifull children and a we have had a great life together.
Sorry if i went on a bit but i can really relate to your situation.
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A
female
reader, SearchingtobeContented +, writes (5 June 2009):
SearchingtobeContented is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You so much for your answers, just reading your helpful advice has made me feel so much better, although I cried through each of them, sometimes hearing an outsiders take on your own life highlights the real truths. It has helped me verify that i am not going mad and that my feelings are justified.I am starting a councelling course before I make any dramatic decisions. I hope that speaking through everything will relieve a lot of the conflicting emotions I am feeling.After that I hope to make the right steps to create the best possible life for my wonderful son and self. I will keep you posted on how it goes and as anonymous said on the 15th May I am too young to endured this type of pain at my age. I am looking to the future and taking it each day at a time. You are great people for offering an ear and some great advice.Thank You!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I really don't think you should feel embarrassed about how you're feeling, I think you should give yourself some credit. If you're feeling like you don't trust him, it's because he's given you so many reasons not to. Our body and mind respond to situations to keep us safe, so you not trusting him and feeling angry is a reaction to a long string of situations that have basically revealed that he doesn't care about you like he should. I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater," but I do believe that until someone starts thinking about who they are with just as much or more than they are thinking about themselves, they are prone to hurt their partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): you have experienced so much of pain during this young life of yours. the facts are there- you know he is going to cheat again. you can either accept it or respect yourself more and move on. yes, it will be hard. but you will have some peace. you and your baby will be better off even though you are single. as you say yor hb will not be stopped by you so he can see your baby. and plse make him contribute to your baby financially.
the decision is ultimately yours. many women stay but others whose best yrs have been stolen by their hb's are left sadly alone when during the hb's many affairs one bright young mistress traps him for her own. he will then leave you and then you will definately be alone.
i hope during this painful time you find the answers you despeartly need.
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A
male
reader, calabarguy  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 I beg to disagree with kellyxxx. Growing up for your child will be better with both parents, even though they are imperfect THAN growing up with a single mum or step-parents.
So I beg you, stick him there and fix the mess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): I agree with kellyxxx below, leave this man so you can start afresh, your baby does not need a stressed mother, what man does this if he loves someone?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): I would also suggest the same.Its early and you can make a fresh start.Leave that person, he doesn't deserves to be with you. Maybe later when you will get your self-confidence and become competent enough to raise your child, you can find a soul mate for your-self too.OR For the time being, stay away from him, for at least a few months.May be he will realize his mistake.
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison  +, writes (12 May 2009):
Trust is hard to recover once lost...
Only you know what your ability to forgive, forget and move on is truly made of. You will probably never truly be who you were prior to your husband's infidelity and unfortunately, I believe that anyone that cheats once and gets away with it, is prone to do it again. This, too, is something you must keep in mind.
If you have feelings of insecurity, the only way you can resolve those things within yourself is to rid yourself of the source- which in this case, would be your husband. Maybe it won't be forever, but for a while.
Until you can understand and manage your feelings, you need to seperate yourself from all of this negative emotion. You deserve to be happy and enjoying this time with your baby. How sad to look back on a time you can never again have and remember only feelings of pain, lonliness and insecurity... Don't do that to yourself. And don't deprive your baby of all of the wonderful love and attention he deserves. Focus on the things in your life that bring you joy until you're ready to deal with your feelings about your husband and what he has done.
Best of luck to you and your new baby!
Bella
xoxo
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (12 May 2009):
 I would leave him! You need to think about your baby too, growing up with his mother supressed by her horrible husband isn't going to be good for it! End the relationship for the sake of you and your baby, x
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