A
female
age
41-50,
*ina_80
writes:My husband and I have been having problems for a while now but our marriage is still surviving (Husband Money problems, Infertility issues from my husband side, problems with my In Laws , etc). Just to make things more complicated one night while watching TV around 1:00 am , an old coworker who I haven't talked to for probably 6 years sent me a txt message out of the blue asking if I was still in town. My husband got so mad and accused me of hiding something from him. I tried to explain that that guys was an old coworker and that he wasn't stable and had issues and that all my friends and coworkers at the time will confirm for my husband if he asks them that that guys is crazy and that a lot of people reported him to HR. I also showed him several emails where that same coworker tried to contact me via facebook and I ignored him. This argument has been going on for few days now and today I asked my husband to say clearly if he was accusing me of cheating and he said that he knows that I'm not happy with him and that I'm planning to find someone better and then leave him. I can guarantee you that I never cheated or had any intention of cheating on my husband. I did have the intention to leave him several time but every time I get scared and don't act on it. What should I do now? I feel humiliated that after 4 years of marriage that he will accuse me of such a thing. Should I leave him for good?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2011):
 In your defense... I have had the same email and cell phone and house phone numbers for over 20 years...
Now... when you start the whole question with "my husband accused me of cheating should I leave him" the question is "I want to leave and now i have an excuse can I go?" isn't it?
I just re-established contact with an old friend from over 20 years ago.... a female but still.... and I had to clear with my partner that going out without him for dinner was acceptable to him....
I gotta admit a text at 1 am would be ignored by me till the next day... and yeppers I would for sure be showing my partner.... no chance in my taking risks for a crazy person.... and every reason for an insecure spouse/partner to worry about 1 am texts from the opposite sex even if they are innocent...
My bigger concern for you is that you really are looking for a way out.... so what can we advise you...
if you are grossly unhappy and see no chance at happiness with your husband, then yes you need to leave... but if you are upset about money, you can fix that, infertility, you can fix that (sperm donors work well here), his family butting in, (he can fix that if he wants)
etc.
you have to decide if you WANT to FIX this marriage or if you WANT to leave it. Both of you have to WANT to fix it.
i asked my last husband to go to therapy to try to save our marriage. he refused. our marriage sadly did not survive.... all choices only YOU can make.
A
male
reader, roundship  +, writes (29 November 2011):
cheating and leaving are different in this era. u may not be cheating physically. there is a chance that u may be in an emotional attachment with the other one.
ur self by typing about his monetary and fertility matters shows ur dissatisfaction. this might be reflecting in ur behavior with ur husband. which he is aware as well.
he feel in secure as u feel unsatisfied.
sit together and discuss. before that spend an hour dedicated to meditate about the family.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Put yourself in his shoes. Let's say that you had a debilitating illness so that say you had to have surgery that left you disfigured. You had a mastectomy, or all your teeth taken out, or had a leg amputated, or took medicine that caused you to gain 100 pounds. Wouldn't you feel less secure in his love for you, and wouldn't that insecurity cause you to maybe accuse when before you wouldn't because you trusted in his desire for you?
He has money issues, infertility, and his family is causing problems. In a man's eye, that disfigures him emotionally, making him feel like he's less desirable to you. There's a little nagging voice that's telling him that all you have to do is open your eyes and realize that he's not worth your time and that you'll desert him. Things that would have caused him to laugh it off before are now making him nervous. His accusation of you is a product of his diminished self-image.
You are reacting to the accusation itself, when the better reaction should be to his underlying hurt in his inadequacy to you. Does it hurt that he's accused you? Sure. But you have the opportunity to really strengthen your marriage and create a bond for life if you want it.
Wouldn't it be romantic and most likely the subject of a Lifetime movie for a guy to go to his wife who's been disfigured and tell her that nothing and no one in the world could ever change his love for her, and that she's always beautiful to him? This is your turn. Tell him that no matter what...his infertility....his struggles with money...you love him more than anything in the world, and nothing and no one, not even his family, can possibly shake that deep love you feel for him. Tell him that you will get through these hard times, and that you both are a strong team and partnership.
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A
female
reader, Nina_80 +, writes (29 November 2011):
Nina_80 is verified as being by the original poster of the question spunky monkey..thanks for responding but you really got it wrong. If I wanted to lie and for someone to make me feel good about my decision I would reach out to my sister or close friends. They always tell me what I want to hear. so that's not it.
I'm 100% sincere when I say this coworker is unstable and here is why. He is a man who was accused by severale coworkers of hurassment. ALSO I'm not the only person he contacted , he did the same thing with few other Ex coworkers and they all told me they will reach out to my husnabd to explain that we are dealing with a crazy person here but my husband refused to listen. Yes I haven't changed my number for more than 8 years, why should I? Now after what happned I'm considering it ...
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A
female
reader, Nina_80 +, writes (29 November 2011):
Nina_80 is verified as being by the original poster of the question"you wish" , you have a valid point. The reason I never mentioned anything about this coworker trying to cotact me because the last time he tried it was more than 3 years ago and also because I'm not the only person he is contacting. He did the same thing with few other coworkers and we alwasy laught at his messages and we think of him as a creep nothing more. It still hurt to be accused of cheating like this. I keep thinking , what if one day someone accuses me faulsly of something terrible, my husband would he or would he not support me? I never did anything to make him doubt me and this is the first incident so why make it a big deal...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 November 2011):
I have a very simple question -- if you had seen a text show up on your husband's phone, wouldn't you take issue? Wouldn't you be a bit more skeptical if he then showed you texts of this girl trying to talk to him over and over on Facebook? Wouldn't you question why he didn't tell you about the unwanted contact in the first place before the text?
Why didn't you tell him this co-worker was trying to contact you on Facebook? I don't know about you, but if some crazy co-worker started hounding me on Facebook, my husband would be the first one I'd be telling. That looks suspicious to be honest.
The best thing to do is simply to wait until he cools down. As you said, there are other things going on in your marriage right now, and things like money and in-laws are stress enough. If he's truly having money problems, of course he's going to feel like he's a catch to you, and this is a vulnerable time in the marriage.
Don't leave him. Give him understanding and support now. Calmly assert that you're not cheating, and that you're there for him and care for only him. Then let your actions show it.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 November 2011):
 sorry for the double dosage, accident!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 November 2011):
You're embarrassed because you're called out on something that's partially true. Maybe you thought you were hiding it well, or maybe it hurts to hear out loud, but now that it's out there, you two should consider this a crossroads point to not let things fester as they are currently. From what you have written, maybe there's more and you haven't included it, neither of you have entertained counseling or actively resolving issues. Problems are building and you're letting yourself drift away. it's up to you whether you think he's worth fighting for.
i DO think that fear of love can be an indicator of love, but it could also be one of dependence, so do some soul searching, but don't make it internal, you need to include him in the thought process a little, he's already feeling at sea about where your head is right now. Similarly, don't pretend he didn't bring this up, and don't narrow his accusation as one only related to cheating because it IS valid. that he's accusing you of cheating is symptomatic of his sensing the turning of tide against him and thus distrust on his side of what you are thinking or planning on doing with the relationship. I think he's given you a easy way out, that is, he has brought to light your rift, and it gives you the opportunity to the midst of this exposure because his acknowledgment normalizes feelings you're "Not Supposed to Have" toward a husband. Think about him outside of the context of the finance and in law problems. WHat's left, what can be fixed, and most important, what do you want fixed (if anything). If you're interested in staying, the worst thing you could do is pretend everything's fine, it drives the problems further underground. I think a good start would be validating his concerns a little by acknowledging yes, you have been having doubts, XYZ have taken a toll on your feelings towards the relationship, discussing what needs to change for you to get closer back to an equilibrium. I hope that makes sense and helps.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 November 2011):
You're embarrassed because you're called out on something that's partially true. Maybe you thought you were hiding it well, or maybe it hurts to hear out loud, but now that it's out there, you two should consider this a crossroads point to not let things fester as they are currently. From what you have written, maybe there's more and you haven't included it, neither of you have entertained counseling or actively resolving issues. Problems are building and you're letting yourself drift away. it's up to you whether you think he's worth fighting for.
i DO think that fear of love can be an indicator of love, but it could also be one of dependence, so do some soul searching, but don't make it internal, you need to include him in the thought process a little, he's already feeling at sea about where your head is right now. Similarly, don't pretend he didn't bring this up, and don't narrow his accusation as one only related to cheating because it IS valid. that he's accusing you of cheating is symptomatic of his sensing the turning of tide against him and thus distrust on his side of what you are thinking or planning on doing with the relationship. I think he's given you a easy way out, that is, he has brought to light your rift, and it gives you the opportunity to the midst of this exposure because his acknowledgment normalizes feelings you're "Not Supposed to Have" toward a husband. Think about him outside of the context of the finance and in law problems. WHat's left, what can be fixed, and most important, what do you want fixed (if anything). If you're interested in staying, the worst thing you could do is pretend everything's fine, it drives the problems further underground. I think a good start would be validating his concerns a little by acknowledging yes, you have been having doubts, XYZ have taken a toll on your feelings towards the relationship, discussing what needs to change for you to get closer back to an equilibrium. I hope that makes sense and helps.
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