A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for four and a half years,together five. One of our strong points has always been hanging out,laughing,talking,etc.Lately we don't do any of those. He spends time with a variety of people,but I'm always his last pick.We got into a fight last night he screamed at me calling me a b@#% and ,using the F-word repeatedly and the worst was when he hit me really hard with his pillow and said "you f@#$^ and * Whore" I feel really hurt,and he said this in front of his 4-year old son. I don't think I can ever forgive him,but my question is what do I do? Do people get divorced because of stuff like this?Or am I supposed to suck it up and ride the marriage out? I'm really scared and I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): Hi Hunny,
Ive been there and I wouldnt want to be there ever again, Do you want this to happen over and over again and the children will suffer, This behaviour is something I personally feel no one should have to deal with, When violence comes into it, it very rarely stops sweety.
I had 5 injunctions to stop my ex coming near me but he still hurt me, It took 15 police to get him one night as he went for me with a samuri sword.
Love he needs help, And you need to feel safe PLEASE TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (1 October 2007):
 I've been going through the same thing and I really feel for you because this is a very delicate situation. The first reaction is to feel hurt because here is a man you love and whom you've committed your life to by marraige because you love him and at one time things were wonderful. Now here is that same man hitting you and calling you terrible names. It's not acceptable. And something I learned the hard way, is if you keep forgiving them, they will keep doing it and it gets worse every time. My husband started with name calling and a shove here and there, then it went to hair pulling and knocking me down, then choking me and eventually punching. I've had black eyes and a knots all over my head, I've almost blacked out from being strangled. When he snapped, it didn't matter if the kids were around or not, he's even hurt them in the process (by accident) but that's not an excuse. I have to admit, I did fight back. So, for defending myself he would expect me to share the blame the next day. But I could'nt just let him back me into a corner like a defensless animal. I would leave and he would cry and appologize for what he did and say he'd never do it again. I would forgive him and return to our home within a week or two. Things would be good for a couple of weeks, maybye a month (if I was lucky). Well I went through this on four different occasions, and as I stated before, each time I went back the next occasion was worse than the one before. I left him a little over a month ago, (my longest yet!) after he strangled me in front of our kids yet again. It's not easy dear, trust me, it hurts us more than it hurts them. When a child is involved, that should be your primary concern. And if alcohol is involved, that needs to be addressed as well. You need to surround yourself with family and friends, they do make it a little easier. This site is great for advice too. I have asked so many questions pertaining to this exact situation and I have received some great advice which has helped me make it though this difficult time in my life. Church has helped me as well. It's probably one of the hardest things you will ever go through, but it will benefit you and you child in the long run if you leave before it gets worse, and it will, trust me. You hear the stories about women being killed by their spouses in situations like this and you never think that it could happen to you, but you can't take that chance. One thing I regret is never calling the police or filing a report, because other than an occasional witness (who were normally HIS friends that didn't give a shit) and the marks left on me the next day, I have no proof that HE is the one who physically violated me. If it ever happens again, I would recommend filing a complaint, as hard as it seems at the moment, at least you will have proof to back you up if and when you file for any costody rights, etc. It's best to remove you and your child from this situation as soon as possible and deal with it one day at a time. If you want to try and work things out with your husband you should probably get professional advice as to what changes need to be made and when it would be safe to return to your home. I wish you the best of luck. I've been where you are and I know how you feel. If you'd like to communicate more, please feel free to send me an e-mail.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): There's no excuse for this kind of behaviour - especially in front of children.
What started the argument - and why did he feel it necessary to call you a whore?
Phil
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (1 October 2007):
 Don't stand for it - insist he goes into counselling. Not only is that domestic violence (...and once it starts, it keeps going and gets worse) but a child protection issue. It is very important that children grow up in a safe stable environment because when they witness verbal and physical abuse between parents at home they assume it is normal, become aggressive themselves and assume adult relationships that replicate what happened at home in the early years. It is also true that children in such environments are at risk of being abused themselves as they get involved in fights between parents. You should definitely act on his behaviour now. I am not suggesting divorce because this is your decision, but some drastic action is needed and if he is unwilling to seek help then you really need to separate from him for the sake of yourself and your children. It will send a clear message to him about the unacceptable nature of his behaviour.
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