A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I thought I was going to marry my best friend, but now I feel like I am making a huge mistake by committing my life to my fiance."John" and I were as close as any friends could be- we worked together, spent every day together and hung out in social situations together. We had both been burnt in the past by relationships that were completely wrong for us and shared a mutual understanding of being deeply hurt by our exes.Feelings between us grew over time even though we never acted upon them because we knew our friendship was more important than ruining it by our sexual urges.About a year of knowing each other, I left for 6 months to pursue my career in a different country. Leaving my best friend was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. During that time away, I realized how much I loved John and wanted to be with him despite all of my doubts (He didn't have a lot of money, he had two children from two different women and he wasn't exactly a 'looker'). When I came home, we picked up right where we had left off and soon we decided to start a relationship together. However, things were much different when I got back- he changed when I left... depressed about me leaving, he started drinking and soon became an alcoholic. Our relationship quickly turned for the worse and that should have been the end of it. But it wasn't...Only after a few months of us dating, I wanted to end it. He was too pushy- wanting me to commit more than I was ready for- moving in together.. not wanting me to go back to the city which I loved.. Fighting and bickering became routine and it reminded me of all my past relationships that didn't work. I wanted out! However, I found out that I was pregnant and I didn't know what to do.Since I was in my mid-thirties, I decided to do the mature thing and keep the baby. He decided to do the mature thing and propose to me (even though I bought my own engagement ring and his proposal wasn't very heartfelt). This is my first child and my pregnancy has been nothing short of a nightmare. I am not even excited about it. And I thought I would love to have children.His family thinks that he is making a huge mistake and that I am taking him for his money (???) and has basically ostracized him. They are more than cruel towards me, and I don't even bother to speak with them at all any more. I don't even want my future child to associate with them.And with my family- all I do is put on a happy face and pretend that everything is going according to plan- We're really excited for the baby, we'll be getting married once I'm back into shape- but no one knows just how sad I really am.We recently just moved in together and since I have been laid off from my job (for most of my pregnancy) he is paying for all of the rent and the food. What little employment insurance I collect (~ $700/month) is now contributed to the household (cable which he wants, phone, visa, student loans). He makes me feel horrible about spending any money on myself (even if I have to buy pregnancy clothing- which he won't buy) and we fight constantly. By the end of the month, I have nothing left and he'll even buy himself and his daughters presents. I'm left needing things and going without. He won't even buy an air conditioner for the bedroom even though I have to keep showering in cool water just to be able to sleep. He buys groceries that I can't eat or aren't good for the baby and I just have no say in any of the money that he spends. Even though I am staying at home, cooking and cleaning every day (which I am expected to do). I want to just give up some days.And as for the sex, well, there hasn't been any! Even though I am in my last month of pregnancy and it's more difficult, there isn't even any cuddling or intimacy. He won't touch me at all. I crave attention from him and I get nothing. He doesn't want to go near my stomach unless there are other people around to see him - he's very territorial and wants every guy to know that I'm carrying his baby. Most nights, he turns over to sleep without even saying goodnight. My self esteem has taken a nose dive, and it doesn't help that I'm hugely pregnant. He makes me feel like I'm too disgusting to have sex with at all.I feel like I have made the worst mistake in my life some days. I feel trapped and I don't know if I could financially afford to leave him and still take care of my baby. Am I just dealing with too much all at once (new relationship, baby, living together) or am I justified in feeling like this isn't working? Perhaps when I return to work, I'll feel like I have more control over my situation?All I want is my best friend back and to have a happy life with him. I know that marriage isn't perfect but I didn't expect to feel this bad. I'm just so confused. Should I just leave John and focus on myself and my child?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, chevara  +, writes (24 July 2009):
Well, I feel for you really, this is a situation that is very common now a days. Common, but not normal in every way. There are 2 sides to a story or couples problems. You may have alot of mixed emotions going through you, and don't know how to handle them. As for him, well he has had 2 failed relationships with 2 kids.
That should of made you a little more aware of things. A child is a blessing, and should have a comfortable home, with both caring parents. I think you need to lay everything out and have a long, very serious, talk about the future ahead. He is not showing you all the support you may need, but he does come with a history.
Look my dear, I have walked a similar path, but with the opposite of yours. I treated my spouse with all the attention, love, care before, during, and after her pregnancies. Always made her feel and know, that no matter what she was beautiful, and wanted to be with her. What I am saying sometimes its never enough. It is hard, and gets a bit tougher after a commitment is there. Even though the commitment didn't ask to be there( kids ). Things don not get better by moving on to the next man, and the next....etc. Thats not the way it works, things do get hard, remember this " For richer or poorer" and " For better or worse, through sickness or health" and " TILL DEATH DO YOU PART", goes both ways.
Only you have the answer, we give you our opinions. The answer is in your heart and head. The heart is foolish at times, so see into it. And there is no such thing as TRUE HAPPINESS, that is BS. Your happiness lies in many different things of life, just have to put them together, and balance them out. Put your trust in the man upstairs, not a worldly man. Keep your head up, this friend of yours will realize what a great woman you are, or were. But always keep your head up, hope this helps you some how some way. If you feel you need more input, feel free to shout at me. God bless you, and be with you.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 July 2009):
 It seems like you will either be miserable with John with a child together, or you'll be happier without John and have a child and joint custody. Why don't you talk to your family about how you're feeling, see if you have their support to be on your own? Your family will be a great ally to you if you do choose to be independent. And you will be getting child support from John, which should help the situation.
A baby doesn't belong in a home with an possessive, alcoholic father who doesn't show Mom any affection or love.
This is my thought: first, see if you can move in with Mom and Dad if things don't work out with John. Make a backup plan. Secondly, why not try some counseling with John and see if things can be made right and your relationship can improve? Perhaps this can be fixed. Thirdly, start looking for a job as soon as you can, even if you're just working at Wal*Mart. A job is a job, and you can always keep looking. But you need to start saving to secure your own future. It's scary not being financially independent. You feel like you're stuck in this relationship and John feels in control (not a good position for anyone to be in).
I think this situation can get better for you... congratulations on the little one!! I do think you need to focus on YOU and your child, and if leaving John feels best, go for it. Just make sure you have a strong support system to back you up when times get rough!!
GOOD LUCK!
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (23 July 2009):
 My God - this sounds terrible. You can't live like this. Yes, absolutely NO doubt: you should leave him and be on yr own with yr baby, and live a fair, happy, decent and relaxed life . That he is being SO mean to you - with the money, taking advantage of your dependency (which isn't yr fault - because you are pregnant and have had a bad time and couldn't work), making you clean etc, treating you basically like a third class citizen, and then having no affection for you and caring nothing for you or your pregnant body - he is AWFUL. And you said you were effectively doing him a favour in the first place as he is not well off, has a chequered history, a lot of baggage and isn't very attractive!!I completely forbid you to marry him!!!!! Trust me - after marriage everything gets WORSE, not better. Marriage is NO fix for a relationship - quite the opposite.I think you should talk to your family, be strong and leave him. You will be fine - without him. And you'll find another best friend.Let me know if you need any more help or advice. I really feel for you. You are right to feel wronged - everything he is doing is wrong.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (23 July 2009):
 Im sorry for your plight you should try having some faith not in a man but a higher power. Have a talk with this guy lay it all out on the table how you feel your situation etc. This man may be going through his own emotional issues over your pregnancy try putting yourself in his shoes theres two sides to every story maybe. you should try talking to his family they shouldnt feel that way about you if its not true.
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