A
female
age
30-35,
*rettypisces224
writes:I'd really like people's advice on this..... i have a boyfriend and we've been together for 2 years. both of us just went through our first year of college, each at different schools. our first year was heaven but college changed me, i tried new things and did cheat on him, i thought it would be best for us to break up so i would not hurt him more but he doesn't seem to be able to cope with it. when i confessed to everything he went crazy, to searching for the person, to threating to put up pics of me on the internet, wierd dreams. i told my parents about all this,as where he didn't....to sum it up, he made my year hell with the ups and downs and blaming me even though i do accept some fault. he says i've led him to drink and that i control this relaionship. he has made threats to himself and me just so i would talk to him. everynight we talk and most times its slient or we are fighting about something. he says i'm not the same person i was in high school. high school was different because i didn't have as much freedom as i do now, and he was all i had in my life. at school, he did nothing but stay in his room, where as i went out and became social. i love him just not like i used to but i am scared to leave him, its like i still want him in my life. he was my first, this is his longest relationship and he always make it seem like girls leave him or always do him wrong, and i also like someone else. he asked me to change and i did but sometimes i can't keep it up and fall back into my old ways. so my questions: he's planning on going to the marines in the spring, should i wait til then to break it off or do it now while we're both home for the summer? if so, should i include his mother? or should i just stay in it and try to act right? any advice would be helpful.....
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female
reader, prettypisces224 +, writes (18 June 2009):
prettypisces224 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everybody. Currently we are not talking and its hard to not hear from someone you've been invovled with for some time but i'm making it.
A
female
reader, prettypisces224 +, writes (18 June 2009):
prettypisces224 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everybody. Currently we are not talking and its hard to not hear from someone you've been invovled with for some time but i'm making it.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (17 June 2009):
 Yes you should leave him. Since he likes blaming you so much, even though this is already in the past, maybe you could appeal to his angle. "I am leaving you because I don't want to hurt you anymore." If he says, "Oh no, I am fine now, all is forgiven, etc.," you could say something like, "Well your actions don't say so, you say that I do this and this to you, so I will no longer be a burden on you."
Sometimes people can get emotional-say they are going to kill themselves, etc. But when he starts threatening to hurt you physically, this is where you need to draw the line. Find someone else.
Oh, and if you do decide to stay with him, next time he is threatening to kill himself, call 911 and when the paramedics show up at his house, he will not think that this game is so fun/funny anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Bite the bullet and split up with him. You know yourself that it's going nowhere. If he has made threats of physical violence against you, you really should report him to the police as well.
You hit the nail on the head when you talked about how you've changed - people do change radically when they leave school and go to college. I know one couple who started going out together at 16 and are now in their mid forties, but this is very rare.
And, yes, by cheating on him you did hurt him. It might seem a strange thing to say but because you feel guilty, you shouldn't feel guilty. I have known good, kind, caring women who have cheated on their husbands and boyfriends, and none of them fell into the spiteful, heartless harlot category. At heart we are sexual creatures, and sometimes (especially at your age) our desires are too strong for us.
It might feel devastating for him right now, but we all get our hearts broken sometime, and virtually all of us get over it.
Still, you already know what you have to do, don't you?
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (17 June 2009):
there is no maybe about it, he doesnt sound like he is too stable and he is making you the scape goat for all his problems have you thought that he has probably acted like this in his other relationships he has issues and the faster you cut him off the better and i would'nt advise being friend until a later time so this way he will have time to deal with what has happen most people go off to college and change thats why they go at least you were honest when things went bad. Now it is a safety issue he could try to hurt you, you see the news you see how people can snap. Please get out while you can or you will be stuck with this man for the portion of your young life.....RUN GIRL RUN THINK OF YOURSELF AND LET HIM GO HE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND HE WILL IN THE MARINES.... DONT WAIST YOUR YOUTH HONEY
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A
female
reader, PureSkinnyPosh +, writes (17 June 2009):
I was in a similar position when I started college. It's so new and the whole experience is life changin and so it should be. When you're in a long term relationship there is never a good time to end things because someone will always get hurt. You need to walk away when the time is best for you, it is going to hurt but you will be a stronger person for it. You need to begin healing for yourself. His threats are from the mind of a 15 year old boy and anyone who would threaten your reputation isn't worth your time. As for his 'drinking,' he needs an AA meeting if he can't cope and they can recommend therapy if appropriate. Never be with a man who doesn't give you the space to be you and who doesn't love you enough to know when it's best to walk away. Hope this helps.Xoxoxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): The sooner the better. Get things ended and resolved now.
If you wait until he goes and then end it...he will come back with a vengeance. Include his mother as a last resort if all else fails.
So many reasons why you should not stay with him..first of all part of growing up is changing and accepting it. He has not been able to cope or deal with any of the problems facing him and forever he will blame you. Just so you know, yes partly it may be your fault for cheating but you were making the right choice by breaking up...the mistake was staying together. You let him blame you...he blamed you...he drank..he couldn't change...oh well..fault at both sides but now it is just abusive on his side. Plus its not much of a relationship...people aren't robots we can't "just change" on the flip of a switch. You are not this person he wants you to be so stop it.
His threats are petty, and even if he does those things (which I doubt) , it is a SMALL price to pay for your freedom. Good luck, I hope it goes well with you.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (17 June 2009):
You should probably leave him. If you dont love him the same as you once did time is only going to make things worse. Dont stay in a relationship out of sympathy it will hurt even more the longer you wait. If you think he's really serious about the death or suicide attempts maybe you should include his mother, but dont let him know about that part right away because that would cause even more anger. Be honest with him, but most of all be honest with yourself. You staying with him out of sympathy will cause you a lot of stress and grief and guilt. It will hurt him, yes, but not as bad now as it will even longer into the relationship.
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