A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be a long one sorry,So me and my boyfriend first got together nearly 2 years ago. The relationship was a bit of a joke nothing too serious at first I cheated on him when I was incredibly drunk, it was just a kiss, however later on around the same time he had sexual contact with a girl he met at a partyI only found this out at the end of last year.However we split up after about 5months as I found out he was pretty close to a girl he was always texting they both insist they only kissed when we were together but ended up doing other stuff when we split up, sure enough he came running back within a couple of weeks, I took none of it and eventually got with another boy this only lasted for about 2months as I was not truly happy and still liked my ex, so we got back together everything was amazing the most fun I have ever had I completely and utterly fell for him.Before we got together he had a drug problem and he had a very troubled childhood being put into care at a young age both his real parents in jail and he feels excluded from his adopted family. But yeah after about 8 months of bliss he started hanging around with his old crowd I have a huge hatred for drugs and defiantly didn't want him to get back in with them and being extremely paranoid from before I got really funny about him going out with his friends so this lead to upset in the relationship.One day I get an email from a girl, a filthy druggy girl saying she had sex with him the night before I confront him he denies says she went in for a kiss he rejected her, I end it with him he goes round her house when on drugs demanding her to tell me the truth the police get involved, this is when he told me about the sexual contact which leads me to believe the girl was lying or why wouldn't he tell me the whole truth however this is just before Christmas and he has no where to go on Christmas day he was meant to be coming over to mine so I take him back said we'd sort it after christmas, it all gets sorted were still having loads of arguments, his birthdays at the beginning of January loads of us go out he disappears I accuse him of taking drugs he goes mad then goes and takes drugs has a fondle with some girl, I end it. With in just over a week he's going out with a renowned crack head everyone says they won't last I still like him but I have to move on, I start seeing some boy just for company, him and this girl split up he comes crying back I push him away, he start seeing another girl she's from a different crowd so he could get away from the drugs, we start talking again, both of our other people overlap a bit however he says that he didn't do anything with her, later on I found out they kissed a few times and this is everything they did, but yeah we'd been talking for a while since about middle of march meeting up acting like we're a couple again, we've booked a weekend away I was under the impression hed stopped all the drugs but today I found out he has taken them a couple of times since we've been talking I made it clear to him that this was last chance, he's saying he's got a problem with them family issues stress have made him really upset drugs take him to a happier place blah blah hes saying can we just go on this weekend away he needs to get away see how I feel after, I love him to pieces I have hardly any friends and can't see myself with anyone else would I be a fool to take him back he needs help I know but I can't do that because I'm the least sympathetic person you'll meet I just tell him how weak he isI just don't know what to do :(
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 June 2012):
Hi. He does have a good job, so that's a good thing at least.
Which then means, he isn't taking drugs all day long.
He wants to be in a relationship and when he is, he doesn't stay faithful.
As soon as he is on drugs again, he apparently "forgets" he has you, and makes out with some other girl!
Then he makes some excuse - "Family Issues" - as a reason to justify his need to take the drugs in the first place.
So in his mind, it wasn't his fault because he was not his normal self. And so he is blameless.
There is always an excuse for him isn't there?
He uses this excuse (i.e. family issues), as a reason why he CAN'T stop taking the drugs.
And to be honest with you, while he keeps on making some excuse as to why he took the drugs on that occasion, he will continue to find some excuse why he shouldn't stop.
In other words, there will always be "some" reason for him to find the need to use drugs.
It could be more that he doesn't WANT to give them up, as they give him a soft place to fall, in hard times.
I'm NOT condoning his behaviour, just merely attempting to clarify to you WHY he keeps on taking them.
He apparently, sees no real reason to stop.
Even if he promises to you, or to himself that he will NO LONGER turn to taking drugs in hard times, it's easier said than done.
It's become a way of life for him now.
For so many years now, he has turned to drugs to help him to forget his problems.
It's an automatic response for him.
He doesn't even need to think about it - he just does it, without a second thought.
I realize that you want to "rescue" him from his addiction, however the reality is that it's an impossible task.
Even if you gave him an ultimatum - "give the drugs up, or it's over! - he might just cry and beg your forgiveness, and stop for a day or so - until the next time something bad happens in his life.
No matter what he promises to you, in the end the drug addiction has far more power over him, than a promise to stop using them.
Because as with any habit, the unconscious mind always takes the path of least resistance.
Which of course, is habit.
So no matter what he promises he will do, his drugs will always win out, every single time.
Well that is, unless he suddenly stops one day when he would normally just reach for the drugs, and think to himself - "No, I'm NOT going to do that anymore. It doesn't serve me well. It's not the solution to my problems."
And if that day ever comes, well that will be the new beginning for him.
One things is for sure though, and that is when things get him down and he doesn't know what to do at the time, he ALWAYS has a choice - whether to say "Yes" to drugs, or "No".
There is always a choice, so it's NOT that there is no other alternative for him.
At a low emotional point for him, there is always a point where he can say "No".
No-one is holding him at gunpoint, are they?
Which means he reaches for the drugs of his own free will.
Life is made up of decisions every waking moment.
And whether to take drugs or not, is always a choice he has to make.
So in other words he has consciously chosen to take the drugs, at any moment.
What needs to happen, is for him to find a better way to deal with his problems.
For instance, some people when they are a bit confused and a bit down, might choose to go for a nice long leisurely walk.
Whether you could convince him to do this, is another story of course.
Perhaps when he is down and the time is right, and it's a nice day, you could go for a nice long walk together.
And when you walk you will naturally talk, as you go along your way.
People always do what is easiest.
When you get into a habit of always doing the same thing when something goes wrong, well then if you feel better after doing whatever it is you do, there is a natural tendency to keep on doing that same thing each time something goes wrong.
And before long, it becomes habit.
So the trick is in helping him to find something he wants more in his life, than drugs.
A substitution is what I mean.
And NO, not alcohol.
I mean a new healthy habit, that helps in dealing with frustration, stress and unhappiness.
How about as well as walking together, could you both go to a gym together.
Or what about going to your local swimming pool and swim a few laps? Say swim for about 30 minutes.
The really good thing about exercise of any type, is that it's a great way to deal with stress, depression etc., as it burns off some nervous energy.
And after it, you feel so fantastic and really relaxed and it also helps you to sleep well at night.
It generally, is great for lifting the general mood to a much more positive way of thinking.
And it can do so much more for you, than any drugs or alcohol could EVER do - in 10 lifetimes!
You see, the habit of him turning to drugs in hard and anxious times, is just a case of finding a better way to deal with his feelings.
And that's why exercise is so magical and beneficial.
PLUS, you also have more energy as well.
So if you can get him walking with you regularly - at least 3-5 days a week - he will then start to feel more positive and begin to feel hopeful for a happier future.
At the moment, the drugs give him foggy thinking, so beyong the fog, he just can't see the possibilities of what life can offer.
And the longer he keeps on taking the drugs, with no alternative to replace them with, the foggier his thinking will become with time.
Drugs can also change a person's personality over time, and can also cause depression which is more serious.
Drug users, can become physically abusive and often take things said, out of context, by reading more into something said than what was actually meant.
And this can be incredibly frustrating for everyone to deal with.
As you said initially, that you are not sympathetic, well it's not really a case of being sympathetic or not to solve these drug taking issues of his.
To resolve any problem though, it first has to be understood fully, why it keeps happening.
The thoughts that go through his mind when he chooses to be upset by his adoptive family.
It seems as though he believes he doesn't fit in with them, and so doesn't feel a part of them.
It's possible that he has decided at some point early on, that he didn't WANT to fit in.
He was probably already angry with his own real parents, for how they lived their lives, and never really forgave them for that.
Plus the consequences of that, which was that he was taken into care with an adoptive family.
So that becomes emotional baggage which he carries forward with him and is still unresolved, and not accepted by him, either.
In other words, he has never come to terms with it.
And so because of that, it gets in the way of knowing his adoptive family well.
And thereby, becoming a part of that family and with a sense of belonging.
He just doesn't have that sense of belonging.
And that creates a big gaping hole in his interaction with other people.
And until he learns to accept what happened with his parents - and to forgive them - it will always get in the way for him, in ALL relationships.
It will prevent him from ever getting to know people intimately.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAah I just don't know I'll feel guilty if I leave him I feel as if I should help him with his drugs, he has a really good job and I painted him out to be some benifit scrounger he's not and I think that in a couple of years once he gets settled in his job, he'll be on a good wage and would of sorted his life out, do I really want to through all of that away because I couldn't stick with him when he's going through a tough time?
When we get on its the best I get on with him more than anyone else we just click
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (20 June 2012):
Hi there. He keeps taking drugs and seeing his druggie friends, and cheats on your with other girls.
And it hasn't been just a "one off" thing either, has it?
It's happened repeatedly - time and time again!
And in spite of all this, you keep on taking him back!
I understand that he probably is your first boyfriend, so because of that there are some sentimental feelings about it, for sure.
Even so, he hasn't been faithful to you, and he turns to drugs the very minute anything goes wrong in his life.
That isn't your way of living life, and yet you accept it from him.
Why?
Don't you believe you can find someone else more worthy of you?
Of course you can, and you deserve to have better for yourself in this life.
At the moment you feel as if you could never find another man to love - as much as you love him.
And that's how everyone feels when they decide to end a relationship that wasn't working.
So the way you feel is perfectly normal.
What you really need to be doing now, is distancing yourself from this environment altogether.
Nothing you can possibly say is ever going to convince him to stop turning to drugs when anything goes wrong.
That decision can only come from him and when he finds a better way to deal with his problems.
And it doesn't help him by keeping in contact and seeing these druggie friends of his.
They probably all get together and take drugs and feel euphoria and like nothing can hurt them, and so they feel happy and content for as long as the affect of the drugs lasts.
And then inevitably, reality hits home - when the affect has worn off completely.
And guess what? All the problems they wanted to forget, are still there!
So it's not the answer to life's problems at all, is it?
In the end though, he might reach that conclusion himself.
How long will it take?
It could be 20 years!
And it's completely up to him to decide when it's time to change how he does things.
You can't change him - only he can do that.
He has control of this, and no-one else.
The longer you keep on tolerating his drug abuse and all the drama that does along with it, well then it could drag you into it also, just to keep him!
You don't really want that, do you?
Surely not.
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