A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, but from the second time I met him he talked about a 'friend' constantly. Every time I'd see him she'd be brought into the conversation somewhere. Then after a few weeks he said it was his ex girlfriend who he was with for 8 years. The worst thing is they split up 10 years before I ever met him. He wears things that she made him, he has photos he's downloaded off facebook in his phone of her, which he showed me. He obviously still has feelings there but then when he's drunk he'll get upset and say she was a prostitute who used him for money. I confronted him and told him that bringing her up constantly was wrecking anything we had. So he stopped doing it for over a year and I was happy, he reassured me that he didn't have feelings and he loved me more than he ever loved her. Well we split up about a month ago, for about a week, then got back together. When he came back he was more loving, affectionate and lovely than he'd ever been. I went on facebook a few days ago and one of my friends had posted a photo of my boyfriend and he'd been out with his ex! My boyfriend isn't friends on there with the girl who posted it and didn't even know it was there. I then noticed that he'd deleted his ex off facebook so I'm pretty sure something happened that he regrets. When I asked him if he'd been out when we were apart he lied and said he was ill and he stayed in all weekend. I told him I knew and all he's done since is become abusive toward me. He's said I have a terrible body, I'm disgusting, I'm fat, I'm dirty, scruffy and ugly. Well I know I'm not any of that otherwise he wouldn't have been with me. It's not what happened so much now it's just the lying and abuse afterwards. He's making me really depressed. I told him it was over for good and he keeps texting me, he's text me twice while I'm writing this. I can understand he's getting angry because he's been found out and I know he'll calm down and start apologising to me. But since he got her out of his system by seeing her again he told me she's vain, smug and conceited and now looks awful. The way he acted before I found out I think he realises that I'm so much more than she is. So I don't know what to do. Should I stay with him now that he got that out of his system and we had such a great time before I found out. Or should I leave him for good for lying?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): I feel like such a mug after reading all your responses. He always used to tell me I should grow up, people can be friends with their exes. But I've never felt like this with anybody in my life. I don't mind knowing that other people fancy my boyfriend, it makes me feel good that he is with me and not them. But it's blatantly obvious he has feelings there. Because I had depression last year after something pretty bad happened to me he'll bring that up and just say I'm crazy, even when there is proof of what he's done like photos on facebook with her, he'll still deny it! Yeah I'm crazy that I stayed with him for so long!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 No, I do not think you should stay with him. He had 10 years to get her out of his system. People wouldn't need umpteen 'second chances' if they made better use of the first one. Consider this: Let's say your boyfriend had been honest and sat you down and said something like 'I still keep in touch with my ex and plan to continue doing so. What's more, I may still have feelings for her so I'd like some time and space to court her again, to take her out on dates, to buy her things and yes, to have sex with her. If it works out then I'm going to dump you and I'd want you to just go away quietly and not give me a hard time. IN THE MEANTIME, I want you to wait for me for however long it takes for me to decide whether or not I want to keep you. You can call or text me once in a while to reassure me that you're still there but beyond that I don't want to hear from you and I don't want you to date anyone else. I want to continue being your number 1 while I make up my mind about whether or not I even want you.'How would you have responded? Would you have agreed to that? Of course not, which is why he didn't tell you. He just went ahead and did it, but that is what he wanted.We're not talking about a moment of weakness. This has been going on for a decade. Even if she is out of his system, and he is sincere NOW, doesn't his character count for something? You've heard how ill he speaks of her behind her back. You've seen him sneak extra perks for himself he doesn't want you to have. And you've seen how badly he behaves when he's been caught doing the wrong thing. THIS is the sort of man you want to hitch your wagon to?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 You should definety leave him...if not for lying then for being such a jerk. No one who respects the one they're with acts the way he seems to act. ind one that respects you first and loves you second.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): I don't think you sounded too brutal at all there, you are 100% right. I've always been with men who treat me with little respect. He has some good qualities, if he hadn't helped me with money I would be on the streets right now. Had a terrible few years and he has been there for me during that time, so maybe that's why I put up with it. My life is going in the right direction now, I have a a very good job, I've moved in to a nice place amongst other things. I appreciate your honesty. Thanks
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 For goodness sake, please grow up!!
You are in your 30s, yet you behave as though you are only 18! I am sure there are many 18 yr olds out there, with more common sense & sorry to sound so brutal, but i speak the truth.
No woman should EVER tolerate abuse from a man & by abuse, i mean verbal &/or physical abuse.
You should never accept that type of language from any man & if you do continue to see him, what do you think he will be thinking??
I will tell you. He will know that he can continue to treat you like "sh$t", because actually, you are giving him full rights to do just that.
Think about what i have just said, for one moment.
Also, yes, he has lied to you on multiple occassions about his ex gf.
He clearly hasn't gotten over her & even if he tells you he has, please beware!!
This crap may just go on & on & in 5 yrs time, you'll be wondering & regretting what the hell you were doing, by choosing to remain within this unhealthy union.
You will never be happy with this man, so why don't you do yourself the biggest favour & set yourself completely free, by breaking up with him & not just for the next month or two, but for good!!
Once you do, do NOT look back.
Move forward positively & remain single for as long as possible, until you have found complete closure within yourself & only then, will you be able to be completely open to finding love again & this time around, set your standards.
Don't be too easy, be picky, because only then will you find your Mr Right & he will know what you're all about, he will simply respect you, because he is a decent man & he will know what you are all about.
Basically, you will attract decent men, hopefully a true gentleman.
I have a true gentleman in my life, so why can't you??
I set my standards from day 1 & i was not going to lower them or compromise them, for any man.
I hope my advice helps you. Be strong! You know you have the power to do this & do it for yourself, not for him.
Good luck & let us know how you go. :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): reading this back I realise how much of an idiot iam! think I answered my own question! lol
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): He talked about his ex constantly when he was with you, ran to her the moment things got difficult between you two, lied when you asked about it and is now abusing you.
What exactly do you see in him?
You'd have to be pretty desperate to stay with someone like that.
If he cared or respected you at all those words would have never left his mouth.
I have been with my husband for 4 years and we have disagreed about things but NEVER spoken to each other like that.
You can do so much better
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 My "answer" to your question is another question: What took you so long?
Good luck...
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