A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having problems with this guy!! I'm 19. He is 26. We met 3 months ago. It turned out we lived a street from each other and I started to go round his in the evenings to chill. He never came to mine because I live with my family and they're a bit strict on boys. Anyway, we started having sex, too. I've never had 'casual sex' before but I needed a bit of fun in my life and I'll try anything once! We would laugh and talk about everything.but... I started to miss him when we were not together. I started to want more than just sex. I tried to break up with him at least 3 times, telling him that I wanted more, but every time he would tell me that he felt the same way about me so I carried on seeing him.But I wonder if he would tell me this, because he really did want me to be his girl or if he was just telling me what i wanted to hear, so i wouldn't stop seeing him.Anyway, he lost his job and has moved in with his friend who lives on the other side of town, so i see him less now. When we met up recently, we ended up talking about 'us' and we decided we decided to be girlfriend and boyfriend. and he says if i just need to be patient until he gets his life back on track, and finds a stable job, so then he can give me more. and we can see each other properly.He gives off signs that he really likes me, he tells me he has missed me, he always wants me to stay longer when i have to go, and he's always worried i'm going to find someone new.but there are a few problems:1- I do like staying in, (which is all I've ever done with him) but I would also like to go out with him! 2- and he hasn't introduced me to his friends. I know he still goes out clubbing with his friends, but he knows I do too, so I don't understand why he doesn't suggest that we all go out together or something.He has never loved anyone before and i think the relationships he has had in the past havnt been that 'close' or 'intimate'. Whereas with me, i have had a soulmate and so i kind of want that again with this guy.Anyway, what do you think? I want to be with him really badly!!! but I deserve someone who wants to have a proper relationship (go out places together and meet each others friends etc.) Should I leave him and wait for someone to come along that is going to give me what I want? I know he has feelings for me and wants me to be his girlfriend but what kind of relationship do you think he wants with me? Because I'm confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): I am not sure you have such a problem here. You have not been seeing each other that long, 3 months is very early in a relationship.
The good news is he asked you to be his girlfriend....so that means he isn't going to be seeing anyone else right?
Are you happy taking yourself off the dating market for him?
Sometimes early in a relationship, sex sort of takes precedence over everything else and also intimacy, he may like hiding away with you as a couple and being cozy and getting to know you better.....so he isn't going out with you and introducing you to his friends. This early on, I don't think that is cause for concern.....give him some time and wait until he has more money to spend on you perhaps not having a job is holding him back a little.
What you could do, since you are his girlfriend now, is plan a date yourself. Nail him down on a time, place and date and plan a fun activity, maybe something outdoors that would get your adrenaline flowing, like something active and even a bit thrilling, like a rollercoaster or something like that! Those kind of adrenaline dates sort of help you bond a bit in my mind due to the rush of things going through both your systems and have a lot of laughs.....
Don't be pushing him with where is this going talks....it will just not get you what you want. Being a little less available or perhaps a bit unpredictable will work more to your advantage to get him to step up more and ask you out.
Good luck, and enjoy your romance!
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 March 2009):
 It sounds to me like the age gap between you two is showing here. You are 19, and want all the love and romance you think happens in a relationship. He is 26, and is being realistic because he has just lost his job. If you really like him, then listen to what he said! he told you that he likes you, and wants to be with you. His only problem is that he has lost his job and needs to get his life back on track so he can give you more. He is living in the adult world not some fairy tale where relationships are full of fun and wild romance!
So can you wait until he has his life back on track so he can give you what you want? Or do you want to find someone that can do that right now?
You claim that you have had a soulmate before, again you are showing your age again. A soulmate by definition is someone that is perfect for you in every way, someone that understands you because they are the same person/the same soul. You are only supposed to find one soulmate in a lifetime - therefore if you think you have found yours then you will never get this back again! Your soulmate is supposed to be "the one" - if you have found him but lost him then dont expect any new guy to be your "soulmate" as it is unlikely you will feel that way about anyone again.
I also think you are being a bit naive if you think a 26 year old man has never had a close relationship whereas you at 19 have so much more experience than him - I imagine he is just not talking about his past relationships because men tend to be closed off about things that have hurt them.
I do however think you need to talk to him about meeting his friends and the two of you doing more than just staying in - tell him you feel like he is hiding you away and that you want to feel like his real girlfriend, not just someone that he has casual sex with. Hopefully if he is serious about you then he will take your feelings on board and introduce you to more people in his life. However with the going out more part of it, I have a feeling that now he has lost his job he simply wont be able to afford to take you out the places you want to go and he will feel under pressure to spend money on you.
Have you thought about taking him out somewhere to show him that you can do things together that wont cost him much money? Maybe go to the cinema together, or just go out for a walk at the weekend. You need to realise that a relationship isnt one-sided and you cant wait for him to "give you what you want" - you need to initiate things too. Relationships are about give and take - if you take him out places now then he will remember this in the future, he will look back and remember how you helped him through a rough time in his life.
If you sit around complaining like a spoilt child that you never do anything together and you wish he was more like this and that, then he will just get fed up with you. Do something nice for him instead of waiting for him to do something for you, he will really appreciate it!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, aussie-babe  +, writes (18 March 2009):
Hi dear,
I had a similar problem with my boyfriend that i am dating right now. He would always come to my dorm , make out and leave. He wouldnt even cuddle nicely and never took me out. I was really fed up with it and one day i asked him not to come to my place. when he asked the reason, i told him that i needed something more than just making love and he understood it. But not all guys do and your guy is like 26 . To be very frank, he doesnt seem to understnd your needs. I would suggestion just wait for a month or two. become very unavailable to him and act like you are almost moving on. see if he makes an effort to convince you to wait or if is sad that youre acting like you dont love him anymore. if he does anytign that makes you feel like he loves you, wait for it and give it a shot again. you dont wana regret it at some point in life. But if he is too stuck in his problems and is too self centered to worry about you, just move on.
And always remember, if you decide to move on. dont be upset because the loss is his. You would lose a person who never cared about you and he would lose a person who loved him a lot..
so smile sweetie and have a good day..
i hope it helps.
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