A
male
age
51-59,
*enverdummy
writes:I am not well. I have trouble with the drink, and have spent many years sober, in fact, all but seven of the last seventeen years I was able to stay clean.I have a great job, and by most accounts I am doing okay, but have a tendency to go on big benders, while other times I am capable of having only a few.I have been dating an intelligent, talented woman for several months, and have been making plans to move in. I really enjoy her company, and we've been working on the place, painting it up and stuff. In the past few months, she has gotten on my about quitting smoking, and told me that she would up and leave and if I ever had a bad drinking binge. Well-- that was just the other day. We talked on the phone for a while, and I told her that I was feeling badly because of the drinking, and admitted to her that I am an alcoholic. I have been fearful of admitting this to her because I know I need to sober up again, but was thinking she might not want to be with me if she felt like I was defective. I realize this comes back to my own self-esteem issues and that I am looking for validation outside of myself.She came over, and didn't like what she saw, and I can't say I blame her, but she then proceeded to take everything she'd had at our place and split. I haven't talked to her in two days.Should I kiss it off, or fight for her? I do love her-- she's probably the most amazing and strong woman I've ever met, and I was willing to change these things about me because I know they are bad behaviors. I know I have to do it for myself and not for her, because of the resentment factor. I guess I really just need to look out for myself once and for all and not worry about being in a relationship-- but I loved to be with her so much.
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (7 October 2008):
 I can only say that all what was said below is to be very true and I don't think it needs to be repeated. What I will say is that going on these binges, even if every once in a while does not make you clean, your just starting back over from the beginning and it sounds like you may not have been working the program...and that's AA. If you have, you should check with your sponsor to seek out why the slips. If you have no sponsor, I suggest that would be the best way to start and go to meetings. You'd be surprised with such wonders it does for so many people.
Things may and may not work out with this new person in your life....but truthfully, if your new friend cannot "relate" to what you need to do for your well being, then she is not the one for you.
Any new relationship you ever enter into should always know that you are a sober alcoholic...and that's if you are and for how long. It would be like me not telling you I have cancer....and then I tell you later. I'm sure it's hard to tell someone, because you wonder if they will "run" the other direction...especially when you really care or are starting to care for them. But this is how you know, and this is how you know how much they themselves feel about you as well and what they are willing and not willing to handle. Wouldn't you rather know the truth then to always wonder?
I don't know if you are doing this alone, or through assistance...however, either way I commend you for it. It's a struggle...I was once married to an alcoholic and unfortunately it did cost us our marriage. What I feel though is that as long as you work your program and do what you need to do for you....you will meet the right woman who will be in your life for always. It could be this woman and it may not. Talk to her...let her know everything and what you are doing. See what she says and understand what she tells you....you may like to be with her, but you may not like her once she makes these demands. What she is telling you is that she doesn't want to live with an alcoholic. If you slip..she's out. My thoughts are to handle your well being first because this will always be a struggle for you. And in order to carry on a healthy relationship, you should be more comfortable with yourself and I don't think you are quite yet. (or it doesn't "sound" it) But I will say again...I'm very proud of you and I do wish you the best and in hopes that you do meet THE right girl.
God Bless!
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (6 October 2008):
 Seek help for yourself. Join an AA(alcholoics annomymous) group or a clinic for Alcoholics. You must fix the part of you that is faulty before you can truely be of any good to someone else. Perhaps the lady has been abused or neglected because of someone else's alcoholic behavour. (Parent, sibling, spouse or other)
Alcohol can tend to make people say and do things that they wouldn't normally do. Whether it's abuse, neglect or improper hygeine,forgetfullness, or not spending their money tending to the necessities of life. Being an alcoholic can create many senarios in one's life. You have to get control of the Alcohol and take back control over your life. It's hard to really give your 100% to anyone else when you have the problem of alcoholism.(It's actually considered a disease.)
The effect of alcoholism can last a lifetime without the proper help. You have already made the 1st step in the right direction by admitting that you are an ALCOHOLIC. Now seek professional help. Allow your ex-girlfriend to know that you love her and you are getting the help you need. Hopefully she will understand your needs and care enough to give you the chance to get better. Whatever you tell her you MUST FOLLOW TRHU!
She is probably feeling mixed emotions right now. If she cares for you or even Loves you then she is probably a bit baffled or even confused about the fact you would do this to yourself. It could be her way of controlling the situaion by removing herself in hopes that you will wake up and *smell the coffee as they say. Try talking things out with her and if she agrees with your solution,you may be able to reconcile in the future. Whatever comes of the relationship, try not to beat yourself up over it. This will only make you more depressed. YES! Alcoholism has been known to cause severe depression in many people.
One you have said your apologies and you promise to get help,then do just what you said you would. Remember that it is good to love someone else but you must be good to yourself and love YOU enough to get the help YOU need.
Remember that people are put in our lifes for a reason, she might have been an Angel sent by God to lift you up and bring you closer to where you need to be. Do this for YOU and if she is to be a part of your life it will happen. SMILE GOD LOVES YOU!
God bless,
Blue Angel
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I think that if you truly love her and want to be with her, you should try to make things work. She obviously cares about you, and wants what's best for you. If I was in your shoes, I would be honest with her, and try to get her back. Ask her to work with you, and if she really does care, she will work with you and try to make things work.
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