A
male
age
41-50,
*nowCave
writes:Kate and I started seeing each other two years ago, February 2016. We liked each other a lot... we had unprotected sex on the first date and saw each other 2-3 times a week for about four months. Usually we would visit a museum or show, wander about town, get dinner, then she would end up back at my place and we'd have sex. She seemed to be a lot of things I wanted, innocent, trustworthy, fun to be around, loving, affectionate, and really good in bed. But she's not a native English speaker and after a while I found the communication part too tiring to deal with, and towards the end for the last four dates where we ended up not being intimate because by the end of the conversation I was too tired and turned off by the constant headache of trying to understand her, to continue. We gradually stopped texting each other and lost touch around June. We call this stage 1.A few months later I let go of my apartment and went traveling. She didn't delete my number and texted me around Christmas. We texted excitedly on and off for months and when I got back to NY in June, the first thing I did was arrange to see her again. It was just like old times - great dates, great conversation, great sex - but her English had improved (or maybe I just had got used to it) and this time things felt different. I was living out of AirBnBs and didn't have an apartment yet... we were seeing each other, having unprotected sex 2-3x/week again, for months. In July we both got STD tests and she said it was because she'd seen other guys in the past and wanted to make sure she was still clean. AirBnBs got expensive in August and September, so I went for two brief 2-week trips to cities in the US (I invited her but it was too late for her to get days off from work). Then she offered to let me stay with her at her friend's place while she was dog-sitting and we basically lived together for about 6 weeks total around September. I did a couple more brief trips in November and December, but spent more than 2/3 of my time in NY, seeing her several times a week throughout. We call this part stage 2.In late December, she moved into a new apartment with much more space than her old one, and she invited me to move in with her. So I moved my suitcases in and we've been living together ever since.Here comes the sad part... in January, I found out that she'd been having an emotional and sexual affair with another guy, Jay, throughout stage 2. They were in regular contact by text, and hooked up while I was away on my 2-week trips. It was a guy she had known for 3 years, who was an FWB, and they hooked up whenever they weren't in relationships. She claims they didn't see each other during stage 1. In stage 2, she'd told him that she didn't want to have sex with him after we started dating because she didn't want to be unfaithful to me, but he convinced her that, since we hadn't had the "exclusivity" conversation, I was seeing other girls, and so it was okay for her to see other guys too... starting with him. She knew she would have to keep it a secret from me. I got suspicious in October because he called her on a Sunday morning when we were in bed together... I asked her about him, and she told me they hadn't slept together since April (first lie). When I found out I tried to confront her about it initially without letting on that I knew, but she gaslighted me, said I was being paranoid, and denied everything. Eventually after a couple of weeks of drawing it out of her, she admitted to what happened, and claimed she did it because a female friend of mine (who I wasn't dating or seeing and she hadn't met) had liked all of my InstaGram posts, so she thought I was cheating on her behind her back.It turned out her STD tests last year weren't a complete panel, and I asked her to do them again, which she did... she was clean but had BV, which can be caused by having too many sexual partners. I was having testicular pain which could be related. I ended up actually calling him on the phone to notify him about that. I also asked him whether they used protection... he didn't remember, his memory was "fuzzy"... she didn't remember either, and I was pissed that she cared so little she didn't even bother to check or think about it.Apparently the sex was just "OK" between them, and the main reason she did it was because she wanted to feel loved and wanted. In her defense, she says that she didn't know where she stood with me, because we never had the official "exclusivity" conversation, something which I've never previously needed to have with anyone I've ever dated. She also said she wasn't sure whether I would stay in New York. To me those sound like excuses, but I can see her point of view to some extent. From my perspective it seems like he coerced her into it, basically implying with his texts that if she didn't have sex with him then he wouldn't want to keep seeing her as a friend, but still, she should have said no.It's been two months. She's apologized so many times, we've made promises to each other to never lie or cheat again, and in many ways the relationship is back to normal with the frequent sex, lots of time together, and from the outside it looks all affectionate and almost perfect. But no matter how hard I try, something inside me just cannot get past what happened. I was attracted to her innocence, and I felt safe around her... she seemed trustworthy and honest, and I didn't think she could do something like that (especially after I had told her in stage 1 the reason my last relationship failed was because my ex kept lots of secrets from me). Now when I look at her, instead of the innocent trustworthy attractive girl I once saw, I sometimes feel disgust, I see the other guy's bare cock, and I see someone who betrayed me, who is dishonest and cannot be trusted.Is this relationship beyond repair? I want things to work out because everything else in the relationship has been so good, but should I just move on? Will this wound heal with time?
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affair, cheated on me, christmas, move on, moved in, my ex, std, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2018): Seems to me that you are just as cheap and shallow as you imply she is. After all you originally dropped her because you lost desire due to trying to concentrate on her poor English.That's an excuse if ever there was one.Also it is bizarre that you phoned her friend about her previous sex life.You had no right to do that.Its also unnacceptable to imagine his cock.Its none of your business to do that.On top of that you are using her for accommodation and sex.This does not look good on your part.I would say that you should get out of her house and stay out but I expect you will carry on shagging her until you find a substitute.Sorry to be so brutal but its very probably close to the truth.?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2018):
 OK, let me point out a few things here.
1. YOU could have chosen from the GET GO to use condoms and no have unprotected sex. So you are as irresponsible as she is. I had to re-check your age because it sounded like something some VERY young people would get into. YOU are in your 40! and having unprotected sex?! What are you thinking?!
2. BV is not something you get from having had many partners, it comes having an imbalance of the Ph in the vagina. It CAN be caused by EJACULATES - as sperm is often on the basic side (around 7.2-8) while a vagina, to protect from bad bacteria and maintain a healthy balance, the vaginal environment tends to be slightly acidic (around 3.8-. This is why BASIC hygienic are important.
Also douching can "ruin" the acidic environment in the vagina and cause BV. So using flavored stuff, too much soap and pretty smelly stuff are all no-nos.
Bacterial vaginosis isn’t a sexually transmitted infection. But having sex with a new partner, or multiple partners, may increase your risk for BV. And sex sometimes leads to BV if your partner's natural genital chemistry changes the balance in your vagina and causes bacteria to grow.
Be educated. USE condoms. Especially with a new partner.
Alright, off my soapbox about that.
You say you are disgusted by her now, so yes, end it and walk away. When trust is lost, it's VERY hard to get back. And if you see her as someone who betrayed you, well that isn't something SHE can fix.
What you see in your head (the other guy's cock) is not something SHE can fix either, that is ON you and your imagination.
I think her excuse for keep seeing him was bullshit. (and sorry, SHE made that choice, he might have pushed for it but ULTIMATELY she chose to keep seeing him and HIDE it from you as she KNEW you wouldn't like it). Just because you two hadn't had the "exclusive talk" doesn't mean you weren't exclusive, you were after all LIVING together.
Move out, find a place of your own. Take some time being single, STOP being sexually irresponsible (use CONDOMS!) and if you haven't been treated with antibiotics and had your OWN PH level tested, do so because MEN can carry the BV around too. DO NOT have sex with a new person until you know you are clear (EVEN WITH CONDOMS).
You PROMISED her to never lie, but you ARE LYING to her. you don't trust her, and you don't respect her anymore. The "image" YOU had of her as "innocent" had proven to NOT be the reality of her. She is (surprise) a sexual being who had sex with others when you two weren't a thing, and a sexual being who had sex with someone else when you two WERE a thing.
If cheating is a no-no (and I think it should be) then end it.
And next time USE condoms! And be clear from the get-go with your views on cheating, multiple partners etc. I would also suggest NOT moving in with someone until you have been dating for a a GOOD long while - like a year at least, not just because it was convenient for YOU.
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