A
female
age
30-35,
*mykennedy
writes:My ex and I broke up about two months ago because he's moving away. Now, in the beginning of us dating and getting to know each other we had an issue with him talking to and hitting on this one girl behind my back. I ended it with him when I found out and he freaked out and promised he didn't care about her and he'd block her out of his life. So he did and we had a great relationship from then on, but now that we're broken up my friend noticed that he unblocked that same girl on social media and is possibly talking to her again. He has reached out to me to be friends after the breakup cause he didnt want to fully lose me and I was definitely on board with that, of course after I take time to move on, but after finding out he unblocked the same girl we had an issue with so soon after breaking up, to me, speaks volumes about him and our relationship. Am I wrong to not want to be friends with him because of this and should I bring it up with him when he tries to talk to me again or am I being unreasonable? I understand he's single and can do what he wants now but it's more so because it's with the girl he claimed not to care about and just how soon it's been. It feels really disrespectful. I need advice on how to handle this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2018): The real question is: Why do you want to remain in the life of a person who cheated on you, and with whom you've ended a romantic-relationship?
You have to get-over the guy after the breakup; so you can pursue other romantic-interests. You need recovery-time in order to heal.
How can you do that with him still there in your face and all-up in your business??? So he can c*ckblock and run-interference in your love-life. Protecting his own ego!
He will keep you frozen in-time and emotionally-paralyzed; playing your new character-role as "his friend!"
Or should I say, you'll be all up in his business?
Youe meddling old busy-body of a friend (aka spy) who came to report his dubious actions (while you're apart}; is no friend! Rubbing your nose in what he's up to after stalking and trolling his social media accounts. In-fact, it's neither of your businesses what or who he is doing. So now you want to be friends? How convenient and manipulative of you!
Seems only logical, that if you can remain friends; there was no reason to breakup. You should have worked the matter out.
There are two primary reasons people usually breakup. Something bad occurred in the relationship that couldn't be resolved and forgiven (i.e cheating); or to punish your partner.
You broke-up with your boyfriend to punish him. Not because he's a cheating piece of shit doing things behind your back; and you don't deserve it. You thought you'd kill him by denying him access to your love and starving him of your affections. Surprise! How did that workout?
Then there's the "but I love him" defense. The universal excuse for not exercising self-control and protecting your feelings by using your inner-strength and common-sense in a situation not likely to work in your favor. It's giving him all the power.
Love doesn't work full-strength, unless there is trust to reinforce and energize it. He betrayed your trust. You have a weakness for him, and he's going to use it to his advantage. It's win-win for the guy in the middle!
You have not fully detached your feelings for him, and you want to remain friends to keep track of his love-life. If he's with "her!"
That is for the purpose of intervening or to intercept in the possible establishment of a new romantic-relationship with that woman, or another. The covert mission is to throw tantrums, have emotional-outbursts, and to keep close enough contact you can get in the way. Leaving yourself an opening to go psycho-bitch the minute she shows up, or he steps out of line! Under the guise you're protecting him, as just a friend! Using tears and tantrums as your chosen weapons.
His reason for contacting her is to punish you and to create an atmosphere of jealousy and competition between you and her. Playing on your discomfort. Conveniently publicizing on social media for you and your nosy-ass friends to see.
He gets to benefit from both women having emotional-attachment; and competing for his affections. The cad is playing head-games. The sad part is; you are willingly and knowingly playing along with it. Playing dumb, so to speak!
Clever one, you are! Only this will all backfire, and you will prolong your broken-heart and the agony of withdrawal from the break-up. He's dangling your replacement in your face, and swinging a stick at your ego! Some friend!
You are so desperate to keep him and that other woman apart, that you'd do anything. Even fake friendship! So you've made up a lame excuse that you care so much for each other you want to remain friends.
Exactly who do you think you're fooling? You don't even believe that one yourself!
Give yourself time apart. Keep your meddling-friends out of your business. Shut-down your social media accounts and block his contact. Ghost him until you can gain control over your emotions; and your brain can act independently from your heart. He is using your affections and possessiveness as tools to manipulate you; and playing on your territorial-instincts. Your vulnerabilities are putty in his hands!
Why am I being so mean and harsh? It's to make you see things for what they are. It's hard to let go. You're a woman, and you've invested your feelings. You don't think logically in emotional-situations; but you also have to think like a man when you're dealing with a man. Oh, women are equally-equipped with their weapons; but their heart is their weak-spot.
It's best to put distance between you and your ex. To stay out of his business. He was seeing her before you broke-up. He's continuing only what was already in-progress.
You've been played. Now get your head out of your butt, and protect your heart, girlfriend!
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 March 2018):
 OP, the only time exes can be friends is when there are no romantic/sexual feelings left. You feeling betrayed is because you're not over it yet and that's understandable.
He's not yours. You're not his. If you feel uncomfortable, it's time to let go completely. You have no right to get funny about who he talks to, just like he can't get funny about who you talk to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2018):
 Deciding to NOT keeping him in your life is not ending it "badly". It's a simple choice where you PRIORITIZE yourself and YOUR feelings over him.
Maybe down the line you can work on being acquaintances but for now the ISSUE that broke you two up (him chatting up another woman) is still fresh and still a bit painful for you. The fact that HE didn't even consider that... well, it shows you how little responsibility he is taking for his own actions.
While HE can befriend ANYONE he likes, it does seem a little callous to befriend her knowing full well that you can SEE it.
I wouldn't reach out to tell him this. That would be giving him power, and HER power. If he does contact you to chat just tell him you have thought about it and you don't feel friendship and contact with him is beneficial for you to move on. And THEN you block. That is not be mean or rude, it's STATING the obvious.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 March 2018):
You're not doing aging anymore. He can have both of you as friends. I'm not surprised you're uncomfortable with it, but you're supposed to be just friends from now on. That means you have to accept him being friends with whoever.
You don't owe each other anything, including friendship. You're exes, not a couple.
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A
female
reader, amykennedy +, writes (27 March 2018):
amykennedy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the OP. Totally understand where you guys are coming from. It's just hard because we started as friends and didn't end on bad terms at all so I wanted us to be a part of each other's lives at some point but I feel almost betrayed and idk how to approach the situation if he tries to talk to me again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2018):
I'm with Aunty BimBim,
You don't OWE this guy "friendship" and you don't OWE him contact.
Exes are exes not family. Nor is it your "right" to dictate whom he can befriend as you are NO LONGER dating. So he can make friends with ANYONE and it's really none of your business. BUT if you feel this is hurtful to you, then wish him well and tell him friendship is off the table for you as you don't need more salt in the wound.
Then you BLOCK him and REALLY move on.
The longer you "keep" an ex around the LONGER you are holding yourself back from moving on fully, from meeting someone who is a better match.
Would YOU date a guy who keeps his exes in his contact list because he doesn't FULLY want to lose them? No? So why would YOU need an ex around?
Let the past be in the past.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 March 2018):
 You are under no obligation to be friends with anybody, particularly with an ex. To be honest I dont understand why so many people, after a break up, try so hard to keep the ex in their lives, especially when there iz no need to, kids for example. Sure, if you happen to bump into them someday when you are out and about be polite, say hello and comment on the weather but keep moving right on by.
My advise is to block him and move on.
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