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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: It's a new year big question. I hope there is some good observations. I'm contemplating of divorce, after 23 years.Here are my problems.Luck of affection.,from him ,luck of involvement, luck of trying to fix things in relationship. Luck of communication, about ideas of making things better. Total luck of interest in children issues earlier ,what resulted messed up kids...On my account, as I was trying to fix all problems Here is what I tried. I tried ,reading books for fixing things. I was trying to go for counseling. He never took the matters in his own hands. He just escaped to his work. I do appreciate his financial contributions, but he never been good at other matters. Actually the divorce would put me in financial crises, as I never worked out of house. So I would have to start from 0. It would be very difficult, but I would leave long time ago , if I would have my own income. I put children first in all this years, but his absence ,didn't fulfill the kids needs. So now the question is, because I tried everything at least for 6 years, with no results of making him see my point, do I have anything else I can try, or I should be brave and take the first step and get out first? I feel I would still try , as I love him on a way, but I think he is really trying to get away with doing the least,.....Should I keep trying ,or get out before he does? I'm afraid ,maybe he will dump me, if I hesitate too long, and than I don't even have the ''good feeling'' of respecting myself. I hope there is some good answer to this dilemma ...Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): I am in a similar situation. Submitting does not work when your spouse will not talk, respond, join in family activities or plan things for your future or the childrens. If he is respectful and loving in anyway - try to make it work - but plan for you independence. One day you will be retired and empty nester - so you need to be your own person.Make lists, friends, get connected with the services you will need, get copies of finances and passwords for any online accounts etc. Plan plan plan. Get a part time job and put all the money away. If you all work it out - use it for a vacation - but if you don't you will need it. I have 3 children looking at college years and am very worried about making it - but my husband has denied me the companionship I deserve for years. He is really depressed like his mother - but will not get help. Makes us all miserable. Good luck with your future and plans. I look forward to more advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): I am in a similar 20 year marriage, I began to work part time and it has progressed to offer benefits and higher pay. Get a part time job and begin to plan.As far as submitting and not being adversarial, I don't get that answer. The husband is already not making decisions and participating. I have asked him to make decisions but with 3 children I cannot wait for him as he never broaches any decisions or plans. Start getting a network of friends and make lists about budget and needs. You must plan. Whether he leaves or you do. If there is still respect or love - try to make it work. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, pinkey1981  +, writes (2 January 2009):
Look, im not that old but i come from a family notorious for having long marriages. Sounds like hes either really introverted and doesnt like to get involved with big decisions or he has grown complacent over the years. Sit and talk with him, try to find out what hes feeling. More than likely he wont leave you first, men tend to stick it out longer than women do so you have a while to get him to work on things. you obviously love each other or you wouldnt have stayed together for 20+ years.Youve invested alot of your life with this man, try to save your relationship. Dont give up.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (2 January 2009):
 I'll bet you haven't tried this-
Put yourself in submission to him:
Become affirming, not adversarial.
Become compassionate, not controlling.
Become a partner, not an antagonist.
It is usually the woman who calls it quits first (due to our superior skills at being intuitive). Don't give up...submission actually means you are seeking his protection, and afterall, that's what men do best for their loved ones.
You loved each other once, you can do it again...Good Luck, and stay sane and sober minded!
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