A
male
age
41-50,
*utofcontrol
writes:I dated a woman for about a year, she is a single mother of two, and I am a single father of two. From early on, I fell madly in love with all three of them. She was struggling to get by when we first met, because she is a single parent, but also becuase she gets stressed out very easily and gets overloaded when trying to work a full time job and take care of her kids. I am the opposite. I work hard, spend every possible minute with my two kids and have built a great life for us. From the start, I would help her with her bills even though she didn't want me to, even if it meant paying them without her knowing. She talked about giving up and moving in with family member elsewher, but I didn't want to see that happen. We combined our families and moved in together when things got serious between us. We talked about marriage and the future, she was happy becuase she didn't have to work, she just took care of the kids and did her own thing all day while they were in school. Soon she got stressed out and overloaded with 4 kids and was very unhappy. I don't have alot of money, but after 6 months of living together I told her to find a job, and I helped her get into an apartment and I paid the rent. I also sold some of my things and bought her a car. After I got her into her place, I told her that I have to have it all or nothing so we shouldn't continue our relationship.It is now 5 months since she started looking for a job, and two months since we broke up. I still pay her bills, she hasn't found a job, she is looking and is about to lose her mind from all of the stress. She tells me that I am the only thing she has and the only one she has for emotional support and financial support, even though she is "involved" with the guy who lives next door. I love her kids and am only helping her because of them. If it were just her, It would be different.I feel like a loser supporting her emotionally and financially while she is seeing someone else. I just want to see what other people think about my situation. Should I keep doing this, should I give her a deadline to get her crap together? Should I not feel bad that she cant support her own kids?Thanks for the help.
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male
reader, outofcontrol +, writes (20 September 2010):
outofcontrol is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses I needed someone elses point of view on this. They are all greatly appreciated.
To clear up some things for the first person who answered this:
I didn't know that she was in this situation when we first met because she said that her ex husband wasn't paying child support. She was great with my daughters and she really loved them. We would take our kids all over to hang out and was great for like four months, then we decided to move in together. When I could see that she couldn't handle it, I knew she wasn't going to cut it as my kids' step mom. She started getting depressed because she wasn't happy in that situation, and I decided that this wasn't going to work. I found her a new place, moved her into it, bought her a car, and broke up with her. My kids haven't seen her since. I want their life to be stable and secure, so that means she is not in it. If my kids had to sacrifice anything so that I could pay her bills there would be no question in stopping helping her. I love her kids and know that they are not mine, but it is not their fault their mom is a loser so I have been paying their bills.
Another note to her character, she started seeing the other guy days after I broke up with her while she was still talking about finding a way to make it work with me.
I tried pull the plug on her then, but all I can think about are those kids. Maybe I should just take em from her and tell her to hit the road (j/k).
You made some very helpful points - thanks.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 September 2010):
SOD your ex girlfriend. You're her ATM machine. Stop paying out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): Sorry but you have no obligation to this woman. She has other options like moving into family members, you really need to stop financially supporting her.
I think you should cut all ties with her and find someone who appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (19 September 2010):
To be honest, this situation is entirely up to your own feelings. You don't have to support her if you don't want to, it's certainly not your responsibility and no one would judge you if you didn't want to. And if you do want to, that's your prerogative as well. (Certainly you're a better person than me. I would have no interest in supporting an ex).
One thing I would suggest you might want to do is to have some sort of contract in place. I don't know if you're simply giving her money as a gift, or you want her to pay you back, but if you do want her to pay you back, have it in writing and signed.
At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel you need to, to make yourself feel good and happy. You sound as if you feel as though this is extending too long, especially since she's seeing someone else. So if you want to withdraw your support, that's more than perfectly understandable (no one would expect you to have supported her to begin with). Perhaps you might point her in a direction where she can get help: family, social resources.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): Don't mean to be harsh, but she sounds like a loser. For whatever reason you are in love with her, not sure why, but you say you don't have alot of money...that money that you are spending on this woman who doesn't have her act together and is seeing another man, you could be spending on your OWN children who you say you care for dearly.
I can see she is emotionally unstable and could turn out to be a bad influence on your children.
I mean what exactly did you see in her that made you feel drawn to her? A woman who can't find a job? Who can't hold a job. Who can't handle the NORMAL stresses of everyday life? Who is dating another man just a few months after splitting with you. This is really the type of woman you want your kids to be influenced by? And that being the kind of woman you think is good enough for you and your family, then you must have some serious self esteem issues.
And the moving in and out, what is that? She moves in for six months then leaves...how do you think your children are going to process that? Children need consistency.
I think you are being rather selfish...keeping this woman in mind, you are not really thinking of your children at all. You are acting on whims...not thinking out things.
You are an adult now and you have children. You need to be more careful of who you date, how they are going to affect your children. Life isn't just about you now, you have to think of them too.
You don't have alot of money? Then you need to stop paying for this woman's ride, and save that money for YOUR CHILDREN.
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