A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, My ex is now in what i believe is a rebound relationship. They're going through the honeymoon stage, thinking each other is the best thing in the world, thinking they're already never gonna feel this way for anyone again, blah, blah, those things. While my ex and his new girlfriend were dating he talked to me but didnt tell her and hooked up with me also, i got emotional which was probably the wrong thing to do. After that he said he hoped we could remain friends. i was so appalled that he didnt come running back to me (stupid i know) but it was in the heat of the moment and i said no then i realized i got a little too emotional, then i asked him to a movie because i thought we could be friends, he said no, that it's not the right time. A couple days later we got in an argument and started playing the blame game again and I told him i was done talking to him and stopped all contact. And he hasnt contacted me sinse. Some say that the best thing to do while he is in a new relationship is keep a VERY large distance and not contact him, because this in turn will make him see that i have a life outside of being friends with him and he will want to contact me and make him eventually become nostalgic. Others say that you should maintain some contact but i did that a couple of weeks ago after he hadnt contacted me and was just keeping the conversation light and he always seems to just be short and kind of mean. Then it turns into the blame game or putting each other down. He started calling me hypocrite and that i do everything that i put him down for while were in a relationship... things just got ugly, its so stupid i wish we could just talk and not be that way. But at the same time its really weird talking to him as a friend and im afraid that if i do maintain contact that's all i will ever be to him and he wont be able to miss me and his new relationship will just continue to grow because im still somewhat in the picture. I'm currently maintaining no contact but im not really sure what to do, i think me not contacting him is the best bet to making him think differently, but im not sure, and i also dont want him to remain regular in my life while he has a new girlfriend because then he has the best of both worlds. I'm sticking with no contact because i want him to eventually contact me, and thats what most say will make him miss me and the fact that im not in his life anymore, any advice or suggestions?
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JTL +, writes (10 January 2010):
Maybe I can give you a couple last tips...
1) It won't help analyzing everything to exhaustion. You'll never really know whats going on his head or hers and it will drive you crazy trying. What's meant to happen will happen. If you become at peace with that you'll be happier. (And if your religious God has plan, don't fight it.)
2) Time will heal. You guys were each others first loves it sounds like. Your young. You'll get get over it, grow, become a better person, and who knows...find someone better your even crazier about (or get back with him...who knows?) Point is, we all go through this. It's hard, but it's life and it's a learning experience. It took me 4 months to get over a 3 month relationship but I'm finally at peace and I've learned a lot - I wish I gained perspective sooner so I didn't waste so much mental capital thinking about her.
3) I'm sure this guy is great, but you have to realize your probably putting him on a pedestal because of your feelings for him. There are many many fish in the sea. Once your fantasy of this guy fades to reality...as your feelings step down a notch or two...you will see things with more perspective (and I bet you'll laugh at yourself for being hung up on him - I know I've laughed at myself a a few times now)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk thanks for your help. Yea our situations are simliar, except i cant figure out why the girl hasnt ran the other way yet? My guess is because she is only 17 and has probably never heard anyone say those things to her like he is saying to her like.."when we kiss it just feels like you and me" and.."im so scared of losing you"..and he EVEN said to her "its only been 2 months but my feelings for you make it seem so much longer" and the SAD part is SHE is already saying "i cant imagine feeling this way about anyone else" AND she also said something kinda corny which was .."if loving you is wrong, i want to be right" To me this means she must have some sense that its wrong?
I dont think its so much committment for him as it just having someone there, i dont take all he says to her that seriously, but its the same stuff he told me so it makes me think did he really mean it? He always says i was the first and everything like that which i literally know i was, but to me it just seems like he is trying so desperately to EXAGGERATE his feelings and TRY to make it all he felt for me, i wish i could find someone with a similar situation of someone saying all those things and bascially over exaggerating there feelings and then going back to an ex.
And it is really sad its like hes trying TOO hard to force his feelings when in reality how could he TRUELY feel that way in the amount of time? And still calling me in the midst of it? And my question is why is she taking him seriously? Basically i just think it will end badly for him or for her because he hasnt sorted out his feelings (as your girlfriend didnt) but your right i shouldnt take there relationship seriously no matter how it seems because its already started out on bad foundations. and like you said 99% of the time it wont work out.
...............................
A
male
reader, JTL +, writes (8 January 2010):
To answer your question, NO. She would never say that kind of stuff... and if she did I would have turned the other way and ran. I am, and guys in general I think, are scared of commitment that early on. Her actions spoke loud enough for me - the fact that she chose to hang out with me instead of him (every day at first).
Our situations may not be so different except for the fact that I'm a guy talking about a girl's behavior and your a girl talking about a guy's behavior? He knows that girls like to hear that kind of stuff. And to me it sounds like he's going overboard (being fake like you said). How the hell does he know she's the ones after 2 months? It's kind of funny/sad how he's acting in my opinion. I wouldn't take it seriously if I were you. He's being immature.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice , and im sorry that happened to you but at least were kind of in the same boat, it must be kinda hard to give me advice on that when its what took your girlfriend away from you.In the beginning i did the same thing her ex did i would call him text him check his myspace facebook and it would have something on there about her, and i just got mad and desperate and started laching out at him and calling him names (which i never do) i guess it was just out of the heat of the moment.A little while back i hadn't talked to him and iniciated contact and was saying how he wished we could start over that he thinks of me and misses me and was telling me about his life, so then i got my hopes up a little too much, and started calling him baby and sending him pictures (although he also sent them to me) then he hooked up with me and didnt tell his current girlfriend of ONLY 2 months. Now after we kissed he is MORE serious about her and saying all these things to her that he used to say to me.In a way i think he got satisfaction knowing i still cared (i also had a guy at this time, that he knew i wasnt serious about) and i would express that to him a lot. And he would ask me how many times i kissed him and what have i done with him. Hes not that type of guy but i guess in some type of physcological way he got "satisfaction" out of knowing i would kiss him. Since then i realized i was technically the "other" woman as you realized you were the other man. I havent found a guy that im too serious about yet but maybe i will, and maybe that will make him see that i have really moved on. Im sure he checks my facebook (most likely) but on the other hand it could make him think how could i be so serious with him, and then make him want to be MORE serious with his current girlfriend. But i think either way when you see that someone has REALLY moved on, just like i saw he had, i thought i had gotten over it, but then when i saw that he was happy and serious then i went into panic mode and said be careful you might get hurt and said that you know we can work things out. And even if he didnt show that, while he is hanging out with his new girl he will be thinking about it a lot.I have a question for you though , did she act extra needy and pushing into things with you like saying she wanted to be with you forever and you were the best thing and telling you things that she probably told her ex while they were together, and said you made her happy, wanting to spend all her time with you and gave you compliments and was saying how she doesnt wanna lose you, and those type of things, cause that is what my ex is telling his new girl and i basically think he is kind of "faking it" did she do the same type of things?
...............................
A
male
reader, JTL +, writes (7 January 2010):
This is the same poster as before (just not anonymous). In my situation the ex would call constantly and beg to have "my" girl back. She would get annoyed at his behavior and she never answered his calls (at least while she was with me). I'm pretty sure the turning point was when this guy made it seem like he had moved on. He stopped being so desperate. Some girl posted on his wall how she was excited to hang out with him and that made "my" girl jealous. She even called ME and talked to me about "who is this other girl," "whats going on here?" She clearly clearly was in a comfortable position with me while he was begggging to have her back. When he stopped she had to weigh the idea of being with me alongside her still very strong feelings for him. I told you how that story ends.
You say he still has strong feelings for you. If he started to think you were moving on I would bet money his comfort zone would disappear and he would start rethinking his current relationship. No contact? I'd say to some extent yes, but don't let him think your taking drastic measures to get him back. Make him think your getting over him. It will drive him crazy and make him honestly decide if this other girl is worth the heartache he will feel losing you. REALLY losing you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly i know how it looks, but he is honestly a great guy and treating me very well, he just even admitted to me he is confused. He didnt think it was ok. He literally starting getting upset right after we kissed and said he was a horrible person how could he do that. And he said he just hates that his feelings for me are so strong basically (he would probably cheat on any girl if i came around again) but i dont want to do that. Thanks for the advice i really appreciate it, thats what most people say about the rebounds but it just worries me its only been 2 months and hes so into this girl like shes the love of his life, and honestly think he is dependent on having a partnet which could be a bad thing cause he might keep this relationship going longer than it should just to make sure he is never alone.
But what do you ultimately think about no contact? do you know if the girl that put you on the rebound had contact with her ex? most of the time they say when the ex is totally out the picture and the other is in a new relationship it just starts to drive them crazy and they are thinking about them all the time then they ultimately go back to them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): I don't know if this counts as advice. But, I was the rebound for a girl recently. We went through the honeymoon period. It was pretty amazing. She left me to go back to him after about 3-4 months. There was no fallout between us. She just became distant and eventually got back with him.
Moral - I'm convinced rebounds don't work...at least 99% of the time.
Side Note - This guy sucks. He's hooking up with you and this other girl? wtf. Do you really want to get serious with someone who thinks thats o.k.? I think you should move on and I feel bad for the other girl (because I can relate).
...............................
|
