A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently met my best friend from high school after 20 years. I was his first love and he was really in love with me but I never knew about it. He is currently married with kids but says he is not happy in his marriage. Tables have turned around now and I am the one who is totally in love with him. He said he will not divorce his wife as he will lose the kids and I do understand that. However, I am at a junction where by I can't decide whether I should be with him as I have finally found true love with him or should just walk away and give it a shot at finding happiness with someone else...genuine love is so hard to find these days.
View related questions:
best friend, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (8 October 2007):
Try to imagine your life in 10 years and how it would be if you are happy and contented. Then imagine what roads might lead you there. Be realistic, don't pin your hopes on winning a lottery.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 October 2007):
 Other agony aunts said that he is giving you the same old line: "I won't get a divorce because of my kids". It could very well be so. It could also be the other way: that he genuinely would divorce his wife if his children weren't at stake. This, we will never know for sure. But, the question you're posting is whether you should stay with this man, in full knowledge that he won't divorce his wife, or you should leave him.
I think this is one decision you should make yourself. However, I sense that eventually you will leave him. The very fact that you came here to ask for help shows you are unsure about leaving him, but you obviously don't like the situation. He is not giving you what you want, and maybe never will.
If I were you, I would leave him. Let's suppose you stay with him and you have your relationship. Eventually, his wife will find out; and that might mean divorce and his losing the kids, in a much worse way than if he were honest and divorced his wife now. Do you want to be partially responsible for all the problems that couple will face?
What wrong did the wife do you, for you to do wrong to her? Because you are involved with her husband.
Have you two -I mean, you and the man- calculated the effects this could have on the children?
Now, if he's unhappy with her, why can't he divorce her, BEFORE he gets involved with someone else, and then keep in frequent contact with his children? Some children would rather face a divorce than living in a home where their parents badly keep control of their marital problems.
I think you should tell him that you want all of him. If he can't make up his mind about leaving his wife, well, go. If he thinks a facade is more important, then he doesn't really want to be with you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ricky +, writes (7 October 2007):
Holy Matrimony system was established to bring a man and woman together emotionally, physically and spiritually, not just to pay bills, bring kids into this world and pretend to be the perfect couple at parties. Both the partners in the marriage have to work towards keeping these 3 factors lively or otherwise marriages fall apart.
One rarely forgets their first love and your reapprearance must have given him the strenght to face the truth about the flaws in his marriage. Men don't usually walk out on marriages because they have a lot to lose financially so they opt to deal with the bad marriage.
Questions you need to ask yourself- do you like his kids and are you in a capacity to contribute to his financial goals? Men work real hard to get where they are and I have witnessed a lot of men being happy in their second marriages despite having to put up with the pain of the alimony to their ex. Money doesn't buy happiness.
He needs to get his bearing and with you by his side, he will be able to overcome all the obstacles. Ofcourse I am assuming there is genuine love flowing between the two of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Steve911 +, writes (7 October 2007):
Not the best of situation for the guy - first unfullfilled love and wife. If he has drawn you into a relationship with him, he definitely has responsibilites towards your feelings as well. If sex is the reason for his unhappiness in his marriage, then you satisfying that end will get you nowhere. Walk away as far as you can. If it is more on an emotional level it is worth your while seeing what happens. Be supportive and suggests what's best for him and not just what's in it for you, if you really love him. Love conquers all and he should be able to see it. If you get him it's your victory but if you don't then also you come out to be winner as he isn't the right guy for you.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, AndyS +, writes (6 October 2007):
I am tired of agony aunts telling all thses girls caught in a love situation with married man to walk away. The guys wouldn't go out to find love and affection in the first place if thier wives didn't become fat and ugly after they have been married for a while. Oh sure the husband wouldn't leave because the finances and children are tied to the marriage. The wife would leave if she fell in love with someone else and was unsatisfied with the
husband.
Love is very sacred and if both of you feel that you truly love eachother, you should give it a shot and make a new start together.When love knocks on your door, don't turn it away otherwise you will live the rest of your life with regret and wondering how it would have been.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Thank you so much ladies. I have known it for a while that there was something wrong with the whole picture he was painting but well I was hoping things would change in my favor. I reckon I just needed some good advice to get me thinking straight and as I am blinded by my love for him. I feel his love for me but it's just not deep enough for him to do anything about it I suppose. I do value his friendship a lot so I guess we will go on being the great and best of friends we always were. Probably love wasn't meant for us...I didn't appreciate his love for me back then and now he doesn't appreciate mine for him now. You are right, I have lived without his love for 20 years... and I can go on...save myself the heartache....thanks again
...............................
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (1 October 2007):
 This guy is basically telling you from the beginning that he is not leaving his home, with his family. Therefore, he is not promising anything but......
Its not worth it, for the little companionship he has to offer there will be ten times as much heartache.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2007):
 He isn't in love with you so why on earth are you wasting any time on him? He is just giving you that same old tired line that married cads give in order to have some cake. Don't buy the lie, dear. Your "genuine love" is going to bring you nothing but pain and loneliness. Up with the boot straps and move on to greener pastures.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (1 October 2007):
 Hi,
Yes it is hard to find these days but not impossible.
This Guy has already put his cards on the table and said he will not divorce, so what is the point of being with him. And anyway that's rubbish why would he lose his kids? He would still be able to see them.
This sounds to me like he is aiming for you to be a bit on the side. And really you should think better of yourself. You did without him for 20 years, so find someone that can offer you a future.
If he was really unhappy, he would have left anyway. Dont let yourself get involved in there marriage.
XX
...............................
|
