A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I’m really blue at the moment – a guy I had dated at High School came back into my life the other month and was still into me. He had always really liked me and said he considered me ‘the one that got away’. So naturally, when he asked me out on a date again, I felt compelled to see if we would still connect as well as we used to. At first, I wanted to get my exams and things out of the way (I am in my final honours years at University) and he was patient which I appreciated. Last week, after a long few weeks of talking and texting, we went on that date. I couldn’t believe it had gone so well; he was such a ‘nice guy’, seemed to be absolutely crazy about me and couldn’t do enough to make me happy. We kissed for about an hour and he didn’t want to let me go when the date ended. I couldn’t wait to see him again, and he practically begged to see me the next day. He said it was surreal to him that he had waited five years to see me again and that he was now on a date with me. However, next day arrived and he backed out for pretty pathetic reasons. I challenged him asking why he had cancelled on me seconds before I was due to meet him and he finally said it was because he was worried he wouldn’t impress me. I didn’t think this could be true after we had got on so well but nevertheless, I decided that I would give him a second chance and we rescheduled for today (Tuesday). Yet again, he cancelled on me – on Saturday night, after work, saying that because he was moving in a week, he had to accept hours at work instead because he needed the money. I was completely gutted. To me it sounded like another excuse dressed up in good reason clothing. I just wanted him to be honest with me about why he kept cancelling every date we set, first with pathetic reasons and this time with a week-long excuse. I imagined him getting to the week after and doing it again, probably blaming moving this time. So, he pretty much text me to say he had had enough of me distrusting him about saying he really liked me and that he didn’t have the patience for my insecurity anymore. He ended with ‘cya’. It was so cruel and so contradictory to his ‘good guy’ behaviour on the date. I’m pretty certain now I was right and that he was lying to me – my gut told me that if he really liked me, and had to back out of a date for good reasons, he wouldn’t leave me guessing why; he wouldn’t lie and need the ‘truth’ pulled out of him and he wouldn’t have cancelled for such a useless reason the first time. But I am so upset that the guy that always liked me and couldn’t wait to see me, turned up for a date finally, treated me like the best girl in the world, built me up to the second date and cancelled at the last minute. Then he turned stone cold on me and got quite textually aggressive. Was I meant to accept an endless list of excuses? He wasn’t a one-date guy; I have known him eight years. How could he go off me within a minute of saying he was desperate to see me and arranging the date and the next, thinking he should be finishing the packing (for the move) that he had started and asking to ‘reschedule’ – I mean, would it have been so hard just to say ‘maybe I got carried away last night, I don’t think it would work between us’? For god sakes, does he really disrespect me that much!? I’m so sorry this is so long – I just feel totally worthless and undesirable right now. He apparently waited five years to see me again, got a date at last, and ‘ran out of patience’. I am not an idiot. I am not gullible. I know he has been stringing me along - but how can I pick myself back up? I feel so rejected. Everyone guy I meet uses me as a trophy; they never care about my feelings; I treat them with care and consideration and just get walked all over. Even with this guy, I didn’t want to end things badly after all these years so I text to say I wished him good luck with his move, and he snapped back that I should stop texting him because I was unreasonable. I didn’t text back and he didn’t either. I am gutted. Are there even any guys out there worth pursuing? Should I just turn into a ‘cya’ kind of person too from now on? Being a nice girl just doesn’t work
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Orbiter – thanks so much for replying to me. I appreciate you taking that time. First and foremost: I certainly see why you would think I had over-reacted and I did think about that before replying back to you. So, anyway, I will try and clarify why I felt I needed to challenge anyone in the first place (and by ‘challenge’ I don’t mean have a fight).He really built me up, telling me how much he had enjoyed seeing me and how much he was looking forward to the date (I didn’t question whether he meant it or not as I would have with someone I had only just met because he had been trying to get that date for years – and we had had an amazing time – maybe I shouldn’t have been so trusting). He spent six hours texting to plan what we were going to do and where we were going to go. I had been ready to go for ages and he was keeping me waiting. Finally he said he was ready to go and I got my coat! I was super excited. I had told all my friends - as you do - and they were really happy for me. Then: at the very last minute (when my keys were in my hand) I notice I have a text from him and it reads: you know what, let’s do it on Tuesday instead. I mean, call it an overreaction to be upset but it felt as though he had been deliberately waiting until I was all excited and ready to go to ‘drop me’. Of course, my friends gave me the same advice as you: we understand your feelings but don’t overreact, he isn’t obligated to you. Well, I think there is a difference between obligation and ‘owing’ and basic politeness. Honestly, if I liked a guy and had to cancel for some reason, I would be polite and explain as soon as possible. I wouldn’t cancel at the last minute without explanation and keep him guessing because I would be scared he got frustrated and went away. If he had asked to reschedule first thing that day saying ‘something has come up’, there would have been no issue. How could I argue with that? He let me think he was looking forward to seeing me, free and available, and like he was giving the date some thought and waited until the very last second to cancel. It was kind of cruel. On the advice of my friends, I decided to see out a second date. Looking back, I shouldn’t have listened to my friends – I should have listened to my instincts. We arranged that Tuesday would be a good day for us both and on Saturday he text to say he was now busy the entire week and had to cancel again. I got a bad feeling and I couldn't push it away. On all the nights he was supposed to be in his new job (thus unable to see me for our date), he was on a social networking site posting and commenting to his friends all evening, and being as blatant about it as possible. I have since deleted all contact details for him (and unfriended him obviously) and feel so much better for it. He was rude and aggressive in his texts with me when I said I wasnt sure I could take up a second date and he hurt my feelings. As I said, I was polite and as courteous as possible. I didn’t deserve his attitude and I don’t believe it was an overreaction to ask why he cancelled at the very last second. Is that what we can get away with on first dates now and still be guaranteed second ones? I really hope not otherwise I am never going to know whether a guy likes me or not. And neither is anyone else. I wouldnt have any guy I really liked think I was cancelling simply to do something better than see him. What a lovely message to my date :D I wouldn’t risk that and I don’t believe that any guy that genuinely wanted a date with me would risk that either. In relation to your last bit of advice: I think I have self esteem. I could definitely use some more! But I know what I want and I don’t compromise on my beliefs just to get a man. I have been on enough dates to know that it is ridiculously silly to get your hopes up about a relationship. I also don’t begin texting like the world is ending out of insecurity that he will forget me if I don’t. It hurt this time, yes. It’s never nice to feel used - let alone by someone you always believed to be genuine and sincere. Maybe I was wrong to make an exception for him based on the fact we had known each other so long. I should have treated him like any other first date. But I will learn. He’s a bad boy– and I am a nice girl.
A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (26 May 2011):
Well I'm going to be honest here, while I can appreciate how frustrating it was for you there are a couple of things here which suggest a bit of an over reaction on your part.First although you've known him for a long time, the fact is you had only been on one date and by the sounds of it hadn't seen him in a while. Yet the first time he cancelled you 'challenged' him until he 'finally' admitted it was for another reason. This comes across as you were slightly pushy (even aggressive) and nagged him. If I had gone on ONE date with a guy and cancelled the next day for whatever reason (which I have and not because I wasn't interested) and he took that attitude with me, I would be very worried he's going to be even more clingy and insecure in a relationship. As for the second cancellation, the same thing happened. Maybe the amount you were texting and the context was a little extreme for him after the first date and it scared him off. Really I think it's a push to say he was stringing you along when he only cancelled two dates and you had only been on one before. After one date people don't owe you anything, no committment has been made.I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just suggesting some behaviour which may have contributed to this situation. I agree that if he wasn't interested then he should have just politely told you straight off but people aren't perfect (and to be honest I'm not sure that's even the case). When I was a bit younger I had problems telling guys I wasn't interested and really I only made things worse because I continued giving them hope. It wasn't done out of nastiness but more inexperience on my part.Ultimately whatever happened and whatever the reasons, you don't need to become cold to guys you haven't even met and who have done nothing to you. If this guy is exactly as you say, then he was a jerk who you are better off without (yes there are guys out there worth pursuing) and it really shouldn't bother you this much.I would suggest toughening up a bit, have a bit more self esteem. Try not to raise your hopes for the first few dates as at that point there's no way anyone can tell if it's going to lead anywhere or not (even with people you've known before). If a guy cancels a date on you, accept it and get on with your life (don't start texting). Wait for him to then arrange a second date. If he doesn't, he just wasn't interested which happens to nearly everyone more than once in their lives.
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