A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a thoughtful, sweet guy, but tends to be socially awkward. He's an opinionated guy, and can get a bit pushy when he gets going on a topic he cares about. I've told him that he can come across as aggressive, but he says that it's just his nature and I shouldn't try to change him. I don't think he realizes how forceful he can sound. His family is pretty argumentative and always communicate this way. He's always been pleasant with my family, but has given a poor first impression to some of my friends. Should I just try to accept this quirk of his? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): Honestly, it depends how much you can put up with not just the embarrassment but the stubbornness and insensitivity to other people's feelings (and I suspect your own as well. I say this as someone who has stood in your shoes with an ex who was hugely rude to friends and family. It was only when I left the relationship that I realized what a weight his stubbornness had been on me - it eventually became a kind of bullying, and then a form of emotional abuse as he got older and he settled into more of a pattern).The problem with this kind of guy is that it's never their fault. They will recognize that they are hurting other people's feelings, but they don't actually see anything wrong with that because to them, being right is what matters. They take a high-handed 'Well, they shouldn't be so stupid as to argue something like that' attitude. Faced with that kind of arrogance, your task is pretty tricky! The best suggestion I have is to try to explain to him that winning an argument is not the be-and-end all, and that actually convincing someone of an alternative opinion by more persuasive means is more important. If he cares about the causes he's championing, try to use a utilitarian logic that, showing him that even though he's right, the way in which he's approaching the issues is actually damaging the very causes he cares about. Perhaps show him some of the research that psychologists have done that shows that people are far less likely to accept an alternative viewpoint when in a situation of conflict (e.g. being bludgeoned over the head publicly with it), and that people are far more likely to alter their opinions or consider an alternative viewpoint when in a calm situation, where they feel safe and unchallenged. Point out that the position in both cases is the same (advocacy of his perspective), but that the strategic presentation results in very different outcomes. If you can back up your claims with evidence, e.g. scientific papers, you will likely be more effective.Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011):
I am this guy. Are you my girlfriend?
I am very intelligent, brash, and opinionated. I come from a loud, aggressive family. My girlfriend is a bit quiet and her family is more reserved. She also wanted me to change. I told her I can't. It's not that I do not WANT to, but the reality is that it is my personality. I can't change "me."
If her friends have a personality that clashes with mine and think I am "mean" then what can I do about it? Like your family, my girlfriend's family loves me. It is only her acquaintances who don't know me well who hate me (or never agree to meet in my presence more than once). Maybe the problem is with her friends.
I really like SweetSmoochy's ideas and I will share them with my own girlfriend. I want her friends to like me, but I do feel they are oversensitive. Truthfully, they are not my kind of people. However, I love my girlfriend to death and I accept that while she is attracted to that aspect of me in private she is less thrilled when I act that way with her friends.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (30 June 2011):
 If he's feeling like you're trying to change him, you may be approaching the topic in the wrong way. Then again, he may just be arguing with you, like he seems to do best.
One suggestion I have for you, coming from a person in a relationship with another stubborn man, is find how to talk to make him listen. With my own stubborn mule I have found a couple ways to talk that you may want to try.
a) say it plain English, exactly how you feel and what you want. Tell him straight out that you aren't trying to change him. Tell him that you like his conviction and his ability and eagerness to express a point. Then tell him that all you want form him is for him to soften the delivery when he is with your friends. YOU can soften your own delivery by padding it with comments like "My friends can be a little over-sensitive" and " I like you so much, I just want them to feel comfortable enough to get to know you". Those comments make it seem like it's your friends problem, not his. That takes the scolding out of the conversation.
b) make him think it's his idea. This one is tricky, and you have to pad it with a lot of ego stroking for it to work. You basically use the softening comments I mentioned before as the main argument. Say something like "My friends are so over-sensitive! I wish they could see how great you are. You are such a big part of my life; I wish I could bring the two parts together."
c) whack him over the head with it. Tell him very firmly that if he really thinks you'd try to change someone you like so much, he's not thinking at all. All you want is for him to soften the delivery of his arguments, NOT to stop being an outspoken person. Call him on his crap and throw a little aggression back at him.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Can you accept it? Does his good qualities make up for him being loud and rude to other people?
I would let him go around his friends and family, but I would still try to get him to tone it down in public and around my friends and family if I were you. Use whatever means you can to make it worth his while. Reward his good behavior and punish the bad behavior. Even if that means walking away from him and going home alone. No need to argue about it. Just go. He will soon get the message and change himself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): You don't really have a choice but to accept it because people are who they are and don't change their personalities.
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