A
female
age
30-35,
*perfectSchism
writes:I've been exclusively dating this man for over a year and although mostly a happy relationship, we seem to bump heads a lot.I'm 19 (turning 20 this year) and he's 20 (turning 21) so there isn't much of an age gap, yet somehow, he seems to be the immature one.When we argue, it seems that he likes to become closed-off and defensive, shutting down everything I say and sometimes calls me names in order to shut me down. I even bring that up and ask for an apology and he refuses to give one.Usually after about twenty minutes, he'll cool down and talk to me normally, but he still refuses to apologize or understand that it was HIS hot-head that got us into the argument in the first place.He has a full-time job (that he hates, but with the economy, he can't really move) and doesn't go to school (can't afford it) but has bills to pay, and that's about it. Other than that, he spends his time either with me, on the computer, or smokes weed alone/with his friends.I have nothing against the weed except for the fact that it makes him L-A-Z-Y. I tried bargaining with him, telling him to cut back on the weed and go to the gym instead of sitting around and he'd get a reward... but it doesn't seem to do anything. I've thought of taking drastic measures, such as refusing to kiss him or refusing to spend time with him if he has smoked when I asked him not to... but then that's cutting off MY time with him.I've asked him to see a therapist for his anger management, but he denies that there is any problem with him whatsoever. (Sometimes, he'll say that he wants to see someone for help, but he can't afford it... then when he gets upset, he'll deny that he EVER said anything about wanting to get help.)I even said I'd go with him, just for understanding and support. It seems to just be tossed off to the side.I know he loves me and he does show it (he's purchased a pre-engagement "promise" ring that needs to be sized) but sometimes it seems that he still has a lot of growing up to do, or at least growing up in the "commitment-relationship" section.Am I just taking everything too literally? Should I just be happy with everything I have and stop worrying about it all? I'm so confused.
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female
reader, AperfectSchism +, writes (28 January 2009):
AperfectSchism is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, maybe I should just get him drunk and ask him stuff, lol.
And that would be really helpful to get a guy's insight, so thank you. I'll definitely give him incentive, haha!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): wow, that's crazy b/c my boyfriend's mother died when he was five years old…he had never really grieved about it or talked to anyone about it, so when i made him talk about it/showed interest in him and his situation he had an emotional breakdown one night which really brought us closer together…
our first new years eve together though we got really drunk and i just started asking him all sorts of questions lol so he would open up to me…things about our relationship and how he felt about me and the future…he told me i was taking advantage of him by asking him questions while he was drunk…but he still answered them!
i'll ask my guy how i got him to open up and see what he says…just tell your man that it's okay and that you won't judge him…and that showing an emotion other than anger doesn't make him any less of a man…we're all only human…or give him a little incentive…tell him that you'll give him oral if he opens up lol
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A
female
reader, AperfectSchism +, writes (27 January 2009):
AperfectSchism is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've told each other pretty much everything about ourselves. I'm not sure it's the fact that he's afraid to open up to me, but he doesn't know HOW.
He lost his mother while he was a baby, so he never had a mother-figure to handle all of the "mommy" details of learning to open up to people, to share your feelings, etc. He told me that it's difficult for him to express his feelings because he's never dated anyone like me before (and he's grateful for everything I've done for him) who has actually asked him how he's feeling, what's on his mind, etc.
I'm workin' on it, and you know what? It's worth all the effort. Thanks again, acd719!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): you just gotta work at trying to get him to open up to you so that he feels comfortable around you…i had an emotional breakthrough w/ my guy pretty early on…tell him things about yourself that you might not normally tell someone…you open up to him, he feels like he can open up w/ u
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A
female
reader, AperfectSchism +, writes (26 January 2009):
AperfectSchism is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you acd719 and Emilysanswers for your quick replies! :)
I will really put some thought into this with each of your answers. I actually JUST went and saw him today at work for lunch and he was 100% perfectly fine, back to normal, treating me like a Queen and everything.
We'll see how things work out from here...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): move on! he sounds like a loser and a jerk and immature like you said…you're trying to connect with him and he just won't have it…he has to want to change first…ask him why he doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you…i would never recommend anyone to take a promise ring from a guy who fights and throws tantrums…he needs to get his own shit in order as an individual before he can even begin to function in a healthy relationship with anyone
you sound like a good girlfriend…don't ever settle for less than what makes you happy and content…
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 January 2009):
I'm sorry hun but some guys are just rubbish.
If he's lazy, stubborn, and abusive in order to win arguments then that's just the way he is. Therapy or whatever is not going to change his personality.
I know you love him but do you really want to be putting up with this for the rest of your life?
He may be nice to you at times and treat you nicely but so will half a million other men.
This is a case where you either have to put up with him being a twat for ever, or find a better bloke.
Good Luck!! xx
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