A
male
age
41-50,
*asonB83
writes:I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago after I kissed someone else at the work Christmas party. This person has a boyfriend so we’re not going to get together or anything, but I've liked her since I met her, way before my girlfriend came on the scene. I confessed to my girlfriend two days after it happened, after deciding I couldn't lie about it – the advice I got at the time from friends was that it was just something silly and sadly many people do it, and that if I tell my girlfriend it will be over. I was even supposed to be meeting my girlfriend at the end of that same night, but when I kissed this new girl I didn't answer my phone or let her know I wasn't coming to meet her or anything. I was incredibly disrespectful, to the person who's been so lovely to me for the year we'd been seeing each other. Part of me also thinks I confessed because I realised I compared my feelings and questioned how strong we were together – shame I couldn’t have done that before and just ended things normally perhaps. Once I’d cheated on my girlfriend I started hating myself for what I did, and rightly so of course – in a split moment I’d become the sort of guy I hate. Surprisingly my ex did call me a week later saying let’s work through this, but in the end I said no. I clearly wasn't sure my heart was in the right place, and surely someone deserves someone who's sure, especially her at that point.I suppose I've got two lots of questions...The first is about getting in touch with my ex. I really want to know how she is. I’ve been thinking about calling her and drafting txts all over Christmas. We were meant to be spending it together after all. We were so close and shared so much. I certainly believe I care about her, even if my actions prove that maybe I didn't. Part of me even thinks she might appreciate it, as one thing she told me when we broke up is that she thinks I never cared for her the whole time we were going out, and I want/need her to know that’s rubbish. Or would getting in contact be really selfish / sending mixed messages / is fuelled by nothing but guilt / simply would not be nice for her to receive full stop?The other side is about what I really want from a relationship. Sure, I'm the only one who really knows, but I've thought about it over and over again, and still don't really have a clue. I thought I wanted to make a great go of this relationship. Travel, move in together, get married, have kids, get a dog, the lot. She’s amazing, and way out of my league as it is, never moreso than now. I could visualise all these things easily, and it'd be a great life. But do you think that really it's not about what you can envisage or what you choose to make of something, it has to be based on that undeniable burning fire in your heart when you think of that person. Because fine, I’m not sure I ever had that with her, I’m not even sure I’ve had that since I was a teenager. But it’s a good feeling, it leaves you feeling vulnerable, and while that isn’t always very nice if things don’t go your way, it certainly makes sense to me more than most things. Or is that just lust, much like how I felt about this new girl, and that will just diminish so quickly? I’ve been in this sort of situation before, of going out with someone who’s great but after a year then deciding there’s something missing – but maybe I’m asking too much, and should see life more simply as you’ve only got one-go, no one’s perfect including yourself, and it’s time to just make the best of things, including who you have a relationship with? Or maybe I’m not asking too much, but I just need to stop going out with people where that feeling’s missing?Thanks for any views... but sure, I’m certainly not forgetting the possibility that now I’ve become the sort of person who can cheat on someone, that maybe I don’t deserve to be with anyone. In fact, if I ever do give it a go again, I’m not sure how it’ll make me feel – I regard myself very differently now.
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broke up, cheated on my girlfriend, christmas, has a boyfriend, mixed messages, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JasonB83 +, writes (2 January 2012):
JasonB83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for all that Betty. I certainly know more broken down relationships than healthy ones, so maybe deep down I can't imagine how they can work out long-term. Not sure I like the idea of 'choosing' to make it work either, but I hear that a lot these days so don't deny that could be the key. 'Choosing' makes me feel like it involves compromise, but maybe I need to have a re-think on that.. I am at least prepared to work very hard though, as I had been, but yes clearly for whatever reason when it came down to it I wasn't entirely ready yet. Hell yes thank goodness I stopped it from going any further, it's about the only thing I'm holding onto! Agreed re: conclusions anyway, it's quite a running theme that I'm rarely able to come to conclusions/decisions, all the information just spins around my head instead. Hence my indecision now, thinking that maybe this is all just a wake up call and in fact I should be clambering to get back with my ex. But I haven't, and I haven't been calling her every five minutes or camping outside her flat in a sleeping bag, so maybe there's my decision. Though part of me feels the only reason I'm not is that I don't trust myself I won't do something like this again. Before, it was out of character so if we'd had a blip I'd be up for working at things, but now it's a distinct possibility. Hard on myself or not, I surprised myself. Normally that's a good thing but right now it's a little odd.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (1 January 2012):
 I think you don't need to be so hard on yourself, I think you have tried to do the right thing about all this. Sometimes life is hard. You never really know if anything you choose it the RIGHT choice, because there is no true right or wrong choices, only what YOU make of those choices. There are many, many different ways of looking at life, love and relationships. It sounds to me that you have not yet decided how you feel about relationships and what you truely want. Sure you could have a good life with this lovely girl, but your heart isn't truely in it, yet. It is possible, I think, to have a great relationship with someone who is lovely and has all the qualities your ex has, simply by CHOOSING to make it work, by committing yourself to making that relationship work. You can't just potter along and wonder why there are no big earth shattering feelings. You have to truely love that person in the active sense by working at getting to know them and being there for them and making them happy. Then you get the true deep feelings. This is how arranged marriages can and do work. But only YOU can make that choice, and if you do, you have to stick to that choice when the doubt creeps in, which it will, that's life!
But maybe you are just not ready to make that committment, which would explain why you kissed another girl. Which is ok, at least you realised this and stopped it before any more damage was done.
Man relationships are HARD. No 2 people are on the same page for life. Its just not possible. I think it is harder for us now because divorce is so common, there isnt that expectation that you will be in 1 relationship for life. It's a blessing and a curse because we have more freedom if a relationship goes sour or stale, but then its very hard to have so much choice in how to love, for how long, and who to stay with, and also going through break up after break up is going to leave you cynical after a while.
Mat I cannot offer you answers because they would be false ideals. You need to come to your own understanding of it all, your own conclusions. One thing I think is that yes you do find those intense feelings of attraction in people, but that you never feel that way for that person forever. But true lasting love is a different feeling that can only be made by working on a relationship with someone. Sure you need some attraction at least, but commitment and genuine care for, empathy and love for your chosen lover is paramount in the long run.
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