A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 15 years, child-free by choice and am in great shape for my age. My husband and I get along pretty well, share same interests, have good discussions and laugh a lot. From the outside, it looks like we have the perfect marriage, but about 6 years ago I discovered something about him that I didn't know. My husband had been having sexual conversations with an ex-girlfriend from high school via the Internet and cell phone. He also was concealing an unusual fetish from me and seeking porn on the Internet, instant messaging other women and having phone sex through paid sites.For over 15 years of our marriage this has been going on behind my back! When I walked down the aisle and said, "I do" I did not know that I was saying "I do" to THIS. I feel tricked or betrayed. This is the same man who refused to have a bachelor party because he didn't believe having a stripper was right. He made me feel secure and made me think that he was "special."I discovered this problem about 6 or 7 years ago, we have been to therapy and part of the problem is that he said that he felt that I didn't support him emotionally. My mom was an alcoholic, my parents were poor - so I had plenty of issues of my own, but I have grown so, so much over the years since he met me. It's like night and day really. My husband also said that he couldn't help his fetish and says he was genuinely sorry for hurting me. I wonder if that means he wasn't sorry for what he did though? He doesn't have any interest in seeking therapy about his fetish either. It is too embarrassing and makes him too uncomfortable. He even blushes and gets turned on just me talking about it.Since the marriage therapy, I have been aware of my behavior and have done so many things to support him. For one, he is going to school to get his Masters degree right now and I have been fun, easy going and so supportive. I never nag or ask him to do any chores etc. I complement him and am genuinely proud of his accomplishments. He inspires me and I constantly seek his advice. I also cook much of the time, give him back rubs and foot rubs and am a cheerful housewife most of time. I love to make him laugh.I am always eager for sex and indulge in his fetish all of the time. I write stories for him - but he has little interest in them and pretends that he likes them in order to not hurt my feelings I guess. I encourage him to take movies and photos of me, which he enjoys doing, but the images remain untouched and ignored when we are done. I'm not jealous of other women, though it does hurt to see that he likes large breasted women and I am petite and a mere 34B. He also likes chubby women and I make efforts to stay slim and firm. I take belly dance classes and I enjoy looking at the female body. He says I am very hot and he loves me, but I guess that most men like variety no matter who they have as a partner. He is always too tired to have sex at night, but isn't too tired to view Internet porn and used to make those phone calls at night.I am not demanding in bed. I love intimacy and cuddling. If performance is an issue because he is tired, then spending love time together is just as important to me. I am not judgmental and I understand that we are all aging. Not a problem.He asks me to give him time alone to do his homework because he is overwhelmed and does not want to be distracted by me. When I come back, there is evidence of computer searches for his fetish on YouTube and other sites. He also watches porn videos. I see no evidence of instant messaging on the computer anymore and I haven't checked the cell phone bills lately. I have interests of my own, a career of my own, friends of my own and have a life outside of ours. I'm not just totally wrapped up in him, completely needy and clingy. His ex-girlfriend has written letters to him, but he has not responded. He says he just isn't interested anymore and plus, he says it upset me. So, if it didn't upset me - would it be alright in his mind?She was a long time, very close friend of his too and now it looks like he just used her for sexual purposes. She is also married with a son and she a psychologist to boot! It hurt me to know that he was comfortable with her, but not with me. It also bothers me that he would use a good friend like this. It may have been inappropriate, but she has feelings too.When I address these issues with him, he is very defensive and says that is just "who he is" and why does everything have to be about ME anyway? Is that just throwing a guilt trip on me? He says he is getting older and he doesn't like his overly thin body image. He feels like he has failed in his career and is finally pursuing something that he is passionate about which is teaching. He loves it, but the money isn't what he was used to getting paid and he spends long hours at school. Can we call this an extended mid-life crisis thing even though it started when he was a teenager? He says he has to hide his interest from me because he doesn't want to upset me. Oh, so hiding it and acting like a good husband, makes it alright? It appears as long as he keeps his little fetish in the closet, then the marriage is okay. As long as I don't know about what he does to satisfy his needs it will not upset me and we will have a happy marriage. Is that the way it should be?I feel that I can't trust him. I am losing my respect for him. There was a time when all I was interested in was him and needed nothing more than his attention and love. No man or woman ever caught my eye nor did I ever want to be with anyone else. It is NOT a two way street and I feel betrayed. I thought he felt the same about me, but this is not so.Shall I explore my own sexuality? Shall I enjoy some videos of my own and search the Net for other things that interest me? Then we can BOTH have our outside interests? He is happy with the idea of him behaving this way - so shouldn't it be fair for me to also enjoy outside stimulation behind his back? It is only porn, after all - right? He already said it was alright for me to explore my sexuality. He encourages it and doesn't want me to be so uptight about things.He doesn't like watching his fetish clips in front of me because he thinks that it bothers me. It doesn't. He is just self-conscious, I think. We have watched porn together, but one time I made a comment that the girls looked like teenagers and that squashed our mutual viewing from then on. He insists that it bothers me and I insist that men in their 40's shouldn't be looking at 18 year olds who look more like children than women. Expressing my opinion ruined the moment and we can't even talk about it. It makes me hard to get along with and makes me undesirable, but I have my own feelings too. I guess I need to understand men better. They just see it as sex and age be damned. Logic has no role - it is all about lust. It's only a fantasy, right?Since my marriage is good outside of this BS, should I just shut up and put up? Should I just mind my own business? Shall I go out on my own and discover what pleasures me? Any other comments or suggestions?Thank you for reading.
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alcoholic, ex girlfriend, jealous, money, petite, phone sex, porn, stripper, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Thank you for your support. I've found a site for men with porn addiction called Through the Fire which I cannot locate at the moment, but I did find:http://www.quitpornaddiction.com which gives perspective on men and their problem with porn.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): Hi, I just read your letter and I want to tell you that I have complete empathy - I am almost in the same boat. I found out my husband of four years looks at porn every morning before he goes to work, while I am asleep. Our sex life is great when we have it but it is not often because he is usually 'too tired'. I am 42, he is 47. I feel so sad that he is looking at younger women (for whatever reason: to get off, to wake up, because he's bored, because he's addicted.. who knows) and that I am here, willing ready and able to satisy him. And like I said, he does enjoy having sex with me, it just seems to be a huge hurdle to get him going. I have been turned down so many times I just don't initiate it any more. And I am lonely and sad, I miss our early days together when it was frequent and wonderful. Anyway I have no advice, just wanted to say there are others out there with your same problem. Hugs to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the original poster again and wanted to make just one more clarification regarding one of the responses to my question. I referred to my husband telling me that he was too tired at night to make love and that is true. We only have sex one day a weekend, maybe two. He has no problem satisfying me and is an attentive lover at that time. The problem is that he claims that he is too tired at night and that is exactly when some of his sexual distractions occurred. He'd often stay late at work so he can watch specially ordered DVD's in the privacy of his office after hours. He also instant messaged women on line and called phone sex lines on his cell. This is years ago, and now to see that just this morning - he visited a website just before waking me up and bringing me coffee in bed. It makes me bitter and my instinct is to refuse the kind coffee gesture. I want him to stop doing things for me and when I express that, he is obviously is very hurt by my rejection. However, I feel very manipulated. This is so confusing. Am I nuts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ladies for your thoughtful responses and your warm compassion! I'm also very interested to see what a man viewpoint is concerning my issues. I agree with you both. Realizing a person will not change is absolutely true. They have to want to change in order to do so, but no one else should try to control or change them. Telling a man that you don't like it when he views porn does NOT turn off his desire for it, nor does it increase his desire for you. Understood and good advice, but his many good deeds confuse me. Let me explain.We appear to have a perfect marriage. We have been together for 25 years, 15 of those wee have been married. My husband is grateful for the things I do around the house and he thanks me all the time. He constantly says he loves me and he does things like bringing me coffee in bed when I have to get up for work. He will also do the dishes and cook dinner when he is on break from teaching. He takes my car out and gets gas for me. Last week he brought me flowers for no reason. He doesn't mind when I spend money on myself either because I am usually a tight wad. These are all wonderful traits any women would love, but his lust for his fetish porn confuses me. One morning after he went to work, I checked the computer and discovered that he had visited a website prior to bringing me coffee in bed while I was still asleep.Like many women, I may over analyze things to death and may have a difficult time accepting that this man genuinely loves me in spite of the secrets and the sneaky porn watching. This is where I need an outside guy's opinion. My husband swears that the two have nothing to do with each other. They are separate. Men like to compartmentalize things and that is why it doesn't bother him if I had fantasies or found my own pleasures. You can't police someone's thoughts after all and people should have the freedom to think about what they want, right? "What they Want" however, is a character issue with me. For instance, If someone believes that they can think about underage children sexually because they want to and they also feel that they aren't harming anyone by thinking those thoughts - I personally have a problem with that. Those desires indicate a personality trait that does not jive with my own morals and values. I know that Romeo and Juliet were 14 and that young girls who menstruate can have children - it still doesn't make having sex with a minor okay in my mind. The young girls in the porn DVD I referred to earlier, were 18 and legal, so I shouldn't have had a problem with that. They weren't children. Was it my own issues rearing their ugly head?I can't help but think that my husband's good deeds validate or give him permission to secretly lust after his fetish. He might think that he is so nice to me that he deserves a little recreation and relaxation. He is still taking out the trash and doing all that husband stuff. If I didn't snoop, then I would not be hurt. Then is this emotional turmoil my fault? There is also the possibility that he is nice to me out of guilt. The poor man is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't! I wonder is that really being FAIR to him? The things he does for me shouldn't be unusual, but instead be part of a normal, healthy marriage. When I speak to other married women they think that I am extremely lucky to have a man who loves me that much. Apparently, they do not have such so-called luxuries. Sad.The dancing advice is so sound! YES! I have made friends with other women and we just have a ball together going to classes, workshops, performances, festivals, events and even cruises. Contrary to popular belief, traditional belly dancing was not a dance for men. It was a dance women did for other women. It supports women of all shapes, sizes and ages and let's every woman feel proud of their femininity instead of being ashamed of it. Call a belly dancer a stripper and you will get yourself slapped! The dance is a beautiful, challenging art form that isn't all about shaking your butt. Muscle isolations is a great way to tone the body, increase strength, grace and confidence. The Americanized, non-traditional tribal belly dancing will certainly surprise you.Toastmasters has also given me the tools to regularly give seminars and workshops at my place of employment. Dancing has also contributed greatly to my confidence. I literally used to be a meek little mouse who was scared of the world! I have indeed discovered the "beauty in me" and will continue to grow. Discovering my husband's secret life 7 years ago was kind of a catalyst for me. I believe that the best revenge is to improve one's own life instead of getting back at someone.The porn thing might be just a normal guy thing and for me to just get over it, but after discovering what he did secretly for so many years of our life together has broken my trust. We got married and I didn't even know he had a fetish, but his ex-girlfriend did! I think that he gave up his porn "freedom" when he crossed that line of inappropriate sexual behavior and I think he knows this deep down. Why doesn't he want me to know that he is just only looking right now? Why does he think it will upset me? I have reason to be concerned and upset, but he doesn't want me to worry - so he says. He claims it is his problem, not mine and I shouldn't be obsessed with what he does. He claims that he isn't cheating on me and that he loves me deeply.After 25 years, he is my best friend, but he still intimidates me by simply raising his voice when I want to discuss these issues. He is very defensive and is offended by me wanting to control him and I'm afraid that he will react by becoming more self absorbed in his world. He asks me, "Why does it always have to be a battle with you?" No relationship is perfect, I understand. One shouldn't throw out the baby with the bath water as they say. Perhaps, I should probably seek individual therapy and learn some better communication skills.Thanks for your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): I am sorry you are living through this nightmare! I know there is no greater anguish or mental torture than to waste your life with a man who's sexuality has been hijacked by porn. You are not alone, but your husband may find himself there if he doesn't wake up from hiis porn daze. The thing you must ask yourself is do you want to spend the rest of your life with this selfish man? He will not change...let me say it again...HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He has already told you that this is just the way he is......he would need 3-5 years of hard work to reprogram his brain IF he quit looking at porn today.......in 5 years you could develop a deep and fulfilling relationship with someone who is willing to give love and sex and take care of you too. Not this one way street that you describe. I wish women would start expecting more from their relationships, if we all did it, we would be much better of as a whole. You are absolutely correct.....a man in his 40's should not be pretending to have sex with a teenager.......I sure wouldn't pretend in my mind that I was having sex with a teenager. Isn't that what fantasy is? Pretending in your own mind that something is real or happening? Go your own way and discover the beauty in YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): I have read your post with much compassion and I really feel you are a lovely woman to try so hard for this man of yours and be so loyal. So many would give up. My question to you ultimately is this. Who are you? Have you accepted, changed, manipulated your own behaviour to suit your man so much that you have lost sight of who you are? I am concerned that you could go off and find a fetish, indulge in a fantasy and indeed you may get some short term happiness from this but deep down you wanted a loving man who returned the love and trust you gave. I think this man you are with will never ever satisfy you and my goodness you have so much to give someone. Without the emotional bond of children you are free to find that satisfaction and trust me, from someone that knows precisely your situation, they are out there.My very best advice is to start being more independent and go out with friends and explore your own self. As your confidence and self-awareness grows the decision will be obvious. Personally I have found dancing a great outlet - Ceroc, Salsa, Latin, Ballroom it makes you feel feminine and treated with respect.Find your passion because there is a lot more to life than porn. You are an intelligent woman it is clear from what your write and I think you have time to meet someone else who has the intelligence you seek. This is only my opinion but I wish you happiness.
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