A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:so here is the story reader digest version.3.5 years togetherFirst year of the relationship apart (no problems)Moved into together in year 2 lived with each no problems. The place we were living, girlfriend said she didn't see us raising a family in that area. So I moved just before our 3 year anniversary to a town she saw us living in. (I have a job there, she does not.even tho I could easily find her a job she wanted to do it herself) long story short she hasn't moved to the new area that she said she wanted to live in its been 6 months now and she didn't get into some schooling programs she wanted. And she visited on a weekend (no problems) and I called her to tell her she left something at the house and then said she was feeling not herself and smothered, her life is at a standstill, anxious and said she needed time to think? She is the type of person to bottle things up then explode (I don't know why she does this, I have told her to talk to me)We never see each other maybe once a month?Barely talk as she works long hours and is taking classes so when she does have time she does homework etc and then gets ready for the next day (food,outfit etc) so we talk for maybe a couple minitues at night and text throughout the day maybe as I work steadily during the day.She said she doesn't want to break up and she loves me and I asked her if it was someone else and she said no? But I have had limited communication for 2 weeks now and she called me to tell me she was going on a road trip with her friend (who is a girl) 30 min before she left and haven't had any communication at all.She is going to a psychiatrist to talk to someone who doesn't know her (to get a different perspective I guess)Any advice?? I'm losing sleep and can't concentrate at work because of this?I would never do something like this to her no matter what was going on (just shutdown) I have told her I love her and whatever I can do to help ill be there and I have her back no matter what. But I feel like the street is one sided. Should I support her or let her go? I have been with multiple women and I have never met anyone like her. She is the only girl who I have cared about more than myself.Sucks I'm going to have to start working out more and getting regular haircuts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): If you don't want to quit and want to stay in the game then what you must do is to do nothing and let her sort herself out without your interference. Let her go as long as she wants without talking to you because you have to trust her that she needs the space. She is going to a psychiatrist so she is taking responsibility for her problems. Your job then if you don't want to be a quitter is to just relinquish your desire to control her because you can't. And just sit with your anxiety however long it takes her her to sort herself out and be ready to be more involved with you again. You're right she has problems. It isn't yours to solve because they are in her mind not yours. If she doesn't want your help then you are not helping by insisting. Give her space and let her do what she feels she needs to do and make no demands on her. Devise how long you will do this for before you re evaluate if the situation is improving. How long until you feel you can leave the relationship without regret? You need to think about that so you can set limits.
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 This might be the first problem you have had but its a pretty big one. You seem to be hardly seeing each other, which after living together is a massive step backwards in a relationship. If she is ready to move on she should tell you, but us women are funny like that and often can't face losing people even when we aren't romantically into them anymore.
I think the ultimatum thing is fair enough. You need to know where you stand and communication is the key,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous- believe me I was/am furious.After all I have done and been there for this women and for her to just quit like this is a slap in the face.And I know I have every right to be angry. But is that the best way to handle a situation out of anger? I think that is the easy route to just be angry and give up. And be angry for possibly future relationships. I'm not the type of person who loves often (not physically) but emotionally and I'm all in for this person? Do you leave out of anger or do you love and support and hope it will pass? And if it doesn't at least I can say I gave it everything and have some inner peace about the situation.Sherrig-if I gave an ultimatum amd a deadline do you think that would drive her away?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I hate to tell you this, but she has moved on. I know EXACTLY what you are feeling, and this is just awful for you. But you had some signs this was coming. First, she did not move there and take your offer of finding her a job easily. She should have told you right then and there that she was having doubts, but she let you make the big move thinking everything was cool, right? You are entitled to be angry at her for that, friend. Second, she now tells you her world is small and she feels smothered and so forth and so on. What the F***? She tells you this after you move to an area that SHE will feel happier to raise a family in? You have every right to be furious as hell at her, my friend, not brokenhearted.Third, limited communication for weeks, and now she is going on a road trip instead of looking for work in your area that you moved to for her happiness?? Are you kidding me? You should be absolutely furious at her selfishness and lack of consideration for what you have done for her. Let her go to a psychiatrist. You have no control over this and hopefully she will get in touch with how selfish she is and how she has screwed you over. Go ahead and grieve, but make sure you are grieving the actual girlfriend and not some idealized version you have created in your head. The actual girlfriend has allowed you to move FOR HER, has told you that she feels "smothered" even though you moved away FOR HER, has not communicated with you for weeks, and now is going on some stupid road trip instead of moving mountains trying to locate work near your town that you moved to FOR HER.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Reminds me of that song, "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Let her go with love. Date other women or explore solitude...up to you. I do hope she finds her way back to you. I feel sorry for her, because she's throwing away a good man. You need to find a woman who has already explored the galaxy and recognizes how rare and wonderful you really are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for response. but I feel like if I give up on it I will be quitting when the going gets tough, and I don't want to look back on it as a mistake and look at myself in the mirror and say if I only tried harder or loved/supported more And I don't know how to help her so I feel like I'm standing in the sidelines to the issue and cheering from the crowd instead of playing in the game.
this is the first problem we have had so its not like we fight constantly? And it's not a problem between us it's her going through something I think.
Or is that just me trying to rationalize and hold on instead of seeing this as over?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 March 2013):
You're hanging on to your relationship for what it was, not what it is. If you feel like you've done everything you can and you just don't feel like going through this anymore, then your relationship has run its course. Time to move on to better things.
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A
female
reader, sherrig +, writes (17 March 2013):
The song, When a man loves a woman, also applies to women. When you love someone, you work daily to please that person, and never do anything to them that you don't want done to you. The same applies to your mate, if they love you, they want to be with you all the time working to make you happy,and never do anything to you, that they don't want done to them. What your girlfriend of three years is doing, is something you would not do to her, so she is wrong to do it. Tell her she has a certain time to be with you where she, not you, wanted to live, or you intend to search for someone who will love you like you should be loved, and stick to your guns. Also take a listen to when a man loves a woman, and add when a woman loves a man, it's a two way street. Good Luck
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