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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband and I have been together 8 years we have children.. On several occasions I have caught him with porn, each time he promises me he will stop but eventually he turns back to it...I am well eduacted, atractive and our sex life is good. I find porn offensicve to me personally and also to women in general By his own admission it is pretty spicy and he is happy with it (and I am) He tells me he doesnt know what the alure of porn is. I have talked to him till Im blue in the face and frankly Im wondering whethe I should just leave and get on with my life...as a 'porn pig' is not something I want in a partner
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): Yes porn is the make or braek issue as far as im concerned and our sex life was excellent until I found out about the porn.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): When I read your post, I get the distinct impression you already left him in spirit. Now you're looking for some kind of reassurance that you're not to blame for the relationship breakdown. Like at least one of the other posters, I don't think that porn is the issue but a symptom of your incompatability. If the rest of your married life was perfect, would the porn make you want to leave the marriage? Is it the make or break issue? If not, the porn alone is not the cause of your unhappiness with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): Obviously your sex life is not as good as you think it is or your husband wouldn't look at porn. There's something you're failing to see and he is failing to communicate.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): the last anser fails to recognise that
1) I dont read romance novels
2) Porn is degrading to all women..OR DONT YOU CARE MALE READER???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): I think porn is not the reason you're thinking about leaving him. It's a symptom of something else that's gone wrong in the relationship.
Men usually have a much higher sex drive than women. They're also much more driven by the visual and physical aspects whereas women are more driven by the emotional.
He looks at porn for the same reason that all men look at porn. It's a relief valve for the unspent sexual energy that men have in excess of women (on average). In other words, and reflecting back on what the first poster said, Mens appetite for sex (frequency, variety, etc) is usually greater than womans capacity to supply.
Women being angry at men for looking at porn is like men rejecting women for reading romance novels or watching romantic films... don't you get enough emotion from him without having to resort to Mills & Boon for a fix?! Of course not. Does he resent you for it? I doubt it.
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male
reader, gat +, writes (12 September 2006):
 Keep in mind the Pros and Cons of porn, research it so you know what your dealing with here. It's not that he's a porn pig, but instead more or so that he is simply addicted to it. LIKE A DRUG if not worse, the addictive effects of porn are nearly impossible to escape without help. Don't ditch him, dont leave him...He needs someone now more than ever, Help him stop--
HE HAS TO WANT TO STOP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): I've been in the same situation and it is all about values. It's important to find someone with core values shared...otherwise it's not going to work or at least not the max of what you could find and what is best for you in terms of family and growth. I tell guys up front that if they have porn/stripper tendancies, be honest and let me make my judgment on whether that is something that I want in my life (knowing that I don't). Porn is offensive and it's not the type of priority or value that I want as a part of my partner much less family. I'd say that if you have thought about it and you know you don't want it ... move on. I don't dig porn pigs either and try to stay far far away... there are lots of guys out there who think and reason more and agree with us....
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (2 September 2006):
 This is not about porn per se, it is about different values between partners. You find porn offensive and that is your opinion that you are entitled to have. He doesn't. You can ask him to respect your wishes, but you cannot force him to change his behaviour. The whole issue is how you deal with this situation. In my opinion it all depends how he reacts after watching porn. There is a huge gap between occasional peeking at Debbie Does Dallas, and compulsive addicts who alphabetically order their XXX video collection. Only you can make a judgement about the extent to which his use of porn is leisurely verses pathological. The second thing to think about is how his porn use affects your relationship. If he starts expecting you to act like those 'ladies' in the bedroom or elsewhere then you have every right to complain about his behaviour and rethink your relationship. Only you can decide if you want to throw in the towel on this relationship on the basis of what he is doing but perhaps there is room for compromise?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): I think that porn in some circumstances is something that you can both use to spice up things in a relationship. However nothing hard core just soft gentle porn. But also him using it alone seems dodgy to me and I think that you need to give him an ultimatum! You or the porn. If he chooses the porn you know how much the relationship meant to him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): If he sincerely wants to quit then he should respond to his porn as if it were an addiction which may cause suffering to himself and others. There are lots of programs and on-line help for addicts. One thing that must happen, if he is to quit this addiction, is replacement. The porn addiction must be replaced with activities supporting the family life he wants to lead. You likely will not be able to make him stop with threats. He has to want change. Stress to quit because of your frustration may make it even more difficult for him to stop the porn. He needs support. He will need to feel that you understand his addiction and will be there for him. That means brutal honesty and a lot of acceptance and trust. I believe these are the building blocks of all lasting relationships.
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