A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting married to my fiance in October. At the moment I am on holidays with my mother and sister. I have to send the first text to my other half always. It's like "out of sight out of mind". Why? Should I just ignore him now until I get home? I mean he responds to my text but is just not forth coming. He tends to be busy and hates messaging but I feel a little forgotten. He has ADHD tendencies and he's always thinking. His mind never stops. I just feel like I do all the 'relationship' work :-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): 'Should I just ignore him now until I get home? 'This is passive aggressive. It's not healthy to bottle things up and act out without without telling him why.'He has ADHD tendencies and he's always thinking. His mind never stops. I just feel like I do all the 'relationship' work :-('It sounds like this is more than just about the texts.I get the impression that there things you would like to be different in your relationship. My advice is to communicate with him.Tell him you miss him when you are away and would love to get a good morning text and a goodnight text and an occasional 'thinking of you' text. Text problem solved.In terms of your relationship overall, communicate. My SO is not neurologically typical and I have to say exactly what I need from him. He loves me, but doesn't always know what I need from him. I tell him, when I cry, please hug me, for example. Now he knows what I need from him in that scenario... Talk to him. Suggest solutions. Don't just complain. Brainstorm together...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2016): OP here
Thanks all. I guess the "out of sight out of mind" aspect stems from little insecurities. We broke up for a couple of months over two years ago and he jumped straight back on the dating band wagon like I had never existed. Though after we had gotten back together his sister had told me he was like a moody bear when we were apart. It's the first time we've spent apart and I guess I'm just being silly about it all...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2016): ADHD is a mental health condition. His brain is wired differently. If you want to be with him you need to be very patient and accommodate his condition. Research ADHD and relationships. Its not an easy route. I speak from experience as my brother has it and two ex's.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 I SO agree with Cindy.
Texting is NOT one of his ways of communications and that is OK. He is still trying to do it in order to please you.
How about you ENJOY you vacation, be PRESENT where you are at and whom you are with instead of focusing on having conversations with someone who ISN'T there at the moment.
I also I agree that 70-90% of what people text is absolute irrelevant chatter. Sending him a few pictures and texts is fine, but you will be home shortly and can tell him ALL about the vacation then!
And please, don't "punish" him for not being "consumed" with being glued to his phone for little updates from you.
It's NOT that you are out of sight out of mind, he KNOWS you are on vacation which means you BOTH get a little break from routine. And if you in your daily life use texting him A LOT, maybe he is enjoying the break from that as well.
Not wanting to text a lot or HAVE to engage in "sup", "what are you doing?" conversations doesn't mean he doesn't CARE about you. It just means that he isn't big on texting.
In short, RELAX and enjoy your vacation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 Why ? You answered yourself why :
because he tends to be busy, because he hates messaging, and because he's got ADHD tendencies so he gets easily distracted, I guess, from what he is " supposed " to do.
I am sure it is a generational thing, but I can't get why people attaches so many deep meanings to texting, or ominous meaning to a scarcity of texts.
When my generation started their dating career- there were NO texts at all, they had not invented them yet and we all coped beautufully nonetheless.
Yeah, I know- but now there ARE texts so if one texts more or less means something.
Well, maybe it means he is a serious type that does not go much for small talk, and when he has something to tell you prefers doing it by phone or in person.
Maybe he is a polite , old fashioned type who won't text during working hours, or when there is someone else with him ( I don't mean another woman !, I mean a guest, a friend, a relative, a neighbour, anybody. I know that everybody now just cuts their company mid sentence to pick up their phone and answer a text, but that does not make it less rude ) which in practice cuts down his texting opportunities .
Maybe it means , since you are getting married in October !, that you are ALWAYS in his mind and heart and that an absence of one or two weeks does not make a difference in that. He is secure in your relationship and it's not knowing what you had for breakfast, or that today it's very hot where you are, that will change that and will make it a better or worse relationship.
In short, don't sweat it and don't take texting as a thermometer to take the temperature of your relationship. There are many other more meaningful ways to know that he cares , you see it from other stuff ( well, again, if you are getting married in few months, you have assessed it already that he does care :)
And don't punish him, please , for his dislike of texting. No need to mantain a frozen , hostile silence until you come back; if you feel like shooting him a text every now and then (... in moderation... ) just do it, just don't get in a dither if he is not initiating, or not answering so effusively or promptly as you would like ideally. You KNOW that texting is his least preferred mean of communication, why do you want to force him to do something he dislikes ?
Would you appreciate if he constantly pestered you to drag you somewhere that he likes and you hate, say , a football game if you hate sports or a Chinese restaurant if you hate Chinese food ?
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