A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to just get straight to the point) I am a 20 year old female who is STRONGLY considering losing my virginity, but not to anyone I particularly love, or even trust, but because the offer has been put out there by another co-worker a few months ago and now I'm thinking I should take him up on the offer. I know he only wants to be with me because of it and I would only be some sort of trophy to him, but part of me doesn't...well...just doesn't care...I was raised not to have pre-marital sex and have been told my some that I should wait until my wedding night, but I keep asking myself "why?" when what really matters in a relationship is that both love, care, and respect each other a great deal, regardless of that person's past. I feel like my virginity has almost become a sort of burden I must carry around and deal with day in and day out. Should I just get it over with?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): You are not worthy of a response if you had chosen to accept the offer. Forget about the issues around that people believe virginity should be saved for after marriage. You are somewhat down the scale... for example, its not even with "the one", its not in a relationship even with love involved... and you just want to be used because you feel it be good to be appreciated for something special you have.
He wont appreciate you for it. Virginity is just an extension... something more special is your soul, dignity etc.
I think your decision making is just two sided... i.e. yes or no. There isn't two options here (1. lose it now or 2. wait until after marriage). I think after marriage is too extreme, but at least wait until you love someone, even if its a person you think you wont marry.
To take someones virginity (as a guy in particular) is seen to some to be more points (a better thing than just sex) whereas others see it as less points (lack of experience a bad thing).
Virginity is only ever special when linked with the person themselves. For me personally its the top most element to share love to be sacred. I think the speciality is diluted when one partner isn't virgin and has absolutely no meaning when outside a loving relationship.
its all down to individual beliefs, its your body after all... don't be upset of he brands you negative words to other co-workers etc. I also not sure why you told him you were a virgin if you dont even trust him.
A
female
reader, nothing.lasts.and.nothing's.lost  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Well only you truely know if it feels right for you, by the sound of it, the choice of pre marital sex isn't a choice that you made for yourself, so if that's not what you want in life, then you shouldn't wait until marriage. If you just want to loose your virginity for the sake of it, and it's not to someone you care about, then I think that could be damaging to you; perhaps you should set out to find someone you like, and take it from there, not force yourself to wait until marriage, but at least wait until you are in a relationship. You're still young and just because a lot of people lose their virginity during teenage years, doesn't mean that's normal or right, everyone's different. I lost mine at 19, but I wanted to wait until marriage, I felt pressured and I knew that man I was with wouldn't wait much longer for me. I regret that now, but I wouldn't say it's ruined my life! I just wouldn't jump to anyone's tune now, you have to do what truely feels right for you.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 CindyCares, that was well said.
Don't just throw it away! Nooooo!! If you don't wanna wait until marriage, at least wait until you love someone mutually with your whole heart; he'll come along. Don't let some guy just use you and then throw you away like garbage. Virginity is a gift and not some useless thing to be thrown out.
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A
female
reader, xDiamondx  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 You'll most likely regret it...I'm sure very soon you'll meet someone you really care about and you'll lose it to them :) Dontcha think that would be better than sleeping with some...guy that just wants you for that? Seriouslyyy man.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (18 May 2010):
If you see sex as a pleasurable leisure activity - sort of like golf, amusement parks, or gardening - then there's something to be said for starting out with a disinterested person who has a knack for teaching. You can even shop around and choose somebody who fits your fantasy of how you imagine it should be: the tall dark and handsome guy, or somebody who will supply elegant touches like wine and satin sheets, or somebody who will make you cry and whimper like your great-grandmother probably did on her wedding night. You might even find an experienced partner who appreciates your condition and will make it a pleasant, comfortable, unembarrassing experience (though the odds are that your body will find it difficult to respond to a casual partner, especially if you haven't been working toward physical intimacy with him). A few people, both men and women, will even sincerely tell you that the best first partner is a random or even anonymous encounter, maybe just a single intercourse but certainly no more than a one-night stand.
On the other hand - many folks see sex as a more complicated thing involving emotional and mental dimensions as well as the physiology. (Again, this is true for both men and women.) They may not be above experiencing it as a purely physical pleasure, but really prefer to have some degree of love, romance, attraction, commitment, or exclusivity involved with the sex. They also tend to prefer partners who share their views.
My wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine, and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. I'm not totally convinced of "wait for marriage", but waiting certainly wasn't bad for our relationship. (Yeah the first wedding night intercourse was pretty lousy - but also very meaningful and significant to both of us. And considering how much we did it in the first few days, it couldn't have been horrible!) I don't think I would have had sex with somebody I didn't share at least a long-term commitment with - probably engaged to be married. And, she IS committed to the two-virgins-on-their-wedding-night idea, so being inexperienced was very much in my favor!
Overall, I think most people will say that what you're considering is a mistake - and very few will say it's a good idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): I fell in love with a guy many years ago. I'm still in love with him today. I wish I'd lost my virginity to him and not the horrible, mean, twisted man I chose to sleep with a few years ago.
My advice to you is to cherish your virginity and lose it to a man whom you truly love.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 May 2010):
Why? Lots of people hae felt the same way and have gone on to lose their virginity. And the first thing they think about after they realized that they've been used and that is was meaningless is 'why didn't I wait?'. Don't do it, you'll just regret it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): If I offered to do you a favor and take your next paycheck off your hands, would you go for it?
I don't hear anybody else making you this offer. So you shouldn't let this opportunity from me pass you by. Do you want to miss your chance to get rid of that money?
Do you get my drift? Seeing this guy's offer as an opportunity is pretty ludicrous. Go to 10 bars tomorrow night and you can find at least 20 more guys who would do this with you if you asked them. Maybe not all of them would do it on the spot, but many of them would if they knew you for a few days.
Personally I would be SEVERELY turned off to find out a girl lost her virginity this way. It's so disrespectful to the whole concept of sharing your body with someone. It just rewards a guy for being the kind of guy I have always tried so hard not to be. I could have a whole list of virginities right now on my bedpost if I wanted to but I did not. The reason is because I did not want to leave behind a whole list of hurt girls. That would have been the story for at least half of them.
If you don't want to be a virgin bride that's your business but I think this is a bad way to go about losing it. Virginity is still something you might want to handle with a bit of care even if you don't save it for the wedding.
You seem to feel that virginity doesn't need to be saved for the wedding as long as the relationship is healthy. That's great. But you are not your future husband and you have no clue how he will feel about it. Retroactive jealousy ruins a lot of relationships and I don't think you should brush off the importance of this. Women have less concern than men about their partner's history in general and that is just a product of the way our brains are wired. Men & women have different evolutionary forces acting upon them so their feelings about certain issues in relationships can be very different.
I can't tell you what the best situation for you to lose your virginity is. Nobody can. But for my money this is not it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Letters like yours make me a little sad.
I am not at all old fashioned, or close minded, or a moralist.Yet I can't help being surprised by the light in which you and many other DC readers view losing their virginity. As if it were removing a wart ." Mmmm...this thing is so ugly, and it bothers me. I must really go to see a dermatologist... ok, I made my mind up, I'll go on Thursday ".
You don't have to wait for your wedding night if you don't believe in this type of things. But what about believing in love and passion and romance and emotion ? What about waiting to meet a guy that actually likes you and you like him back and so the experience might be more enjoyable than minor surgery ?
Also, i am not gonna tell you that losing your virginity is gonna be horribly painful because that would be a big lie,but it may be umcomfortable,and a bit awkward. You want to have a partner that cares about enough to be sensitive, delicate, affectionate. Not some moron looking for " a trophy "
what's your rush ??
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Why would you want to give it to just anyone. If you don't want to be a virgin and don't want to hold on to it than don't but don't give it up to just anyone or just because you got an offer.
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