A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:p />My story's long, hope you will read itto the end.I came from Eastern Europe to US 12 years ago with 2 small children ages 7 and 4, after winning a green card. Upon arrival I was greeted by organization that helps new immigrants to adjust in an unfimiliar country. This organization has lots of volunteers who for the first months help you to get all paper work, take you shopping and so on. My volunteer was an elderly sweet lady. We got along beautifully and kids loved her. Then couple months later I met her son, he was handsome, polite and we started romance. His mother didn't really liked it, because who was I, a person with no family, no money, 2 kids, and on top of that very primitive English. She played well though, and always was polite toward me, and she loved children. Few months into dating her son, he offered me to move in with him, andi gladly said yes, as I was head over hills with him, and kids adored him. And my new life started: beatifull house, best schools for my kids, vacations, outings, concerts, and many other things that I couldn't even dream ever. But the most important, the love of my life, so I thought. The love of my life lasted 3 years only. I noticed it couple months before he told me that he can't go on like that. H e said he never wanted children, if he wanted he would have his own. Though he loves my kids, he doesn't want to play father. I asked him why he even asked us to move in with him. He said because he felt sorry for me and kids being so poor and new country, and he thought he is doing a good deed, but didn't realized it was too much for him. He also added if i didn't have this big family and was single, he would never leave me, but also added that he has gotten attached to kids, but can't play father with them any longer. I was crashed. I had to explain to children that he loves them , but we need to move and start a new life. One good thing thati did during these 3 years is that I managed to get a degree in accounting using my credits from my home country. My English improved significantly as I lived and talked with an American for 3 years, and made through him lots of friends. Since it was just 3 of us, we needed a place to live, and when I looked at apartments, I desided t sell my appartment that I still had in my home country, and it was enough for us to buy a small house in a same neibourhood, where we lived so kids didn't have to change schools. I found work, kids were full time in school, things were getting better, though money were never enough, and we struggled with having ends meet. 6 months after we broke up, and I finally got used to the fact that he would never come back, he calls. He misses children, and he was asking if he can take them out. My first reaction was, no, but wheni talked to my daughter who at that time was already 12, she s aid she really misses him also, and she would like to see him again. I said, ok, but only condition would be that I never want to see him. If he wants to pickup kids that's fine, but no interacting with me. From that point he saw them ones a month, took them shopping, movies, beach and other fun things. Kids were looking forward to these outings insanely. All they talked about is this one day a month. 7 years forward. I am 39. My children are all grown. My daughter is 19, my son is 16. I am now making good money at my job, my daughter is in college, my son just started driving, and looking back I still remember that time when I was a young single mother with 2 small children in a foreign country, when after 3 magical years I was left with nothing, and despair I felt then, not knowing how to live my life, and how scared I was. While he is still in a picture, kids still continue to see him, and they adore everything about him. Of course, why wouldn't they? He still takes them out, shops with them, take them on his boat, they even did weekends trips together. My life is ordinary, I work, I travell a little, I had couple of boyfriends that never lasted long, it's hard to date with children in a house.he changed may be a hundred girlfriends over this period of time. Kids were telling me, almost every time they saw him, there was a different woman. 2 months ago, we ran into each other at the restaurant where I was having lunch with a friend. There are no hard feeling anymore, years passed. I looked at him thinking how still beatifull he is. He talked for a few minutes, and then asked me if he can call sometimes. I don't know why, I said, yes. So, he started calling, and one day we had a date. I don't know, I still can't believe what I did, but the same night we ended up in his house again, and having sex all night. For 2 months now, it's even his house or mine. Yesterday he asked me if I ever considered to really get married. I said, yes, to you, 8 years ago. He said, but not now? I laughed and said, it's kind of late for it now after all I went through, don't you think? He said, that i knew he would never leave me without any help, if I needed it, but he saw how strong I am, and how well everything turned out for me, with job, and a house, and how he admires me for that. What a joke, I thought, remembering those days when I was forced to spend only 30$ on food for 3 of us per week, as I didn't have more. I had a very hard feeling about this whole situation, and I ran it by my daughter, what she thinks of all of this. This is what she said: he is a good man and we love him, and so do you. What happened so many years ago is part of the past. And as far as how we struggled with money for a few years, it was not his responsibility. I am sure if you asked him, he would never say NO, he would always help us, but you never asked for any help. She also said, that she doesn't want me to be alone anymore, and they always thought of him as a family. I didn't sleep this night. All I thought is about that day how he asked us to leave, saying he doesn't want to play father anymore, and how I had to explain to children that it's not because of them we are leaving. It's like I lost trust in him, and I can't get over this feeling that he will eventually doit again, change of mind is not unussual for him. Also all these women over the years, never being able to settle with anyone. And now, this strange behavour with hinting on marriage after 2 months of us seeing each other again. I don't even know if I love him anymore, As my daughter suggested. I have passion about him, sex is great, how I missed it only I know, but love? I am not sure at all. I am used to living by myself with kids, and I know one day they will leave also. Thak you to all who managed to read it to the end, and I will appreciate your thoughts about all of this and may be will help me to recognize what exactly I feel right now.
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female
reader, Stephanie1901 +, writes (26 November 2013):
I think perhaps you are lonely and he's familiar to you. You sound like a woman of strength and character and after how you managed to build a good life for you and your children you should know that you deserve better than this man. If it were me in your place I'd always wonder when and if he'd leave.
A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (19 November 2013):
Wow. What an amazing life you've had. And a truly incredible story. If it ever works out, it sounds like it could be a movie.Like yourself, my parents were both refugees from Eastern Europe with no money coming to North America, so I can relate to your situation. You do indeed sound like a strong woman.I want to look at this from his point of view. Let me try to piece together his story.His Mom is working with new immigrants so he is interested in it, too, natually. He meets this beautiful exotic woman from another continent that blows him away so much that he wants to help her as much as he can. So without thinking too much at the long view, he asks the love of his life to move in with him.But as you've told in this story, he wasn't mature enough. That happens in North America as life allows to be that way when we're younger sometimes. If anything the multiple girlfriends part tells you that he wasn't even close to ready to "settle down". So the fact he stayed with you for three years is almost a minor miracle considering how he wasn't ready to grow up. Maybe you did in your real life, but you haven't given him credit or that benefit for doing that so much. I think he tried his best, there, even if the break up was really hard.And the fact is he's always loved you. I don't think he would have spent so much time with the kids the way you asked him too if he didn't. So maybe the girl friends were part of an excuse for not moving on because he was still in love with you. And the fact that he knew you would know because your kids telling you, so maybe he did that because of you too. (Your life really does sound like a movie. LOL). Maybe if you would have gotten married, he would have found someone else - serious - by now. And the way you describe his girlfriends - and him for that matter - makes me think you still love him a lot. It's just the pain you had of what he did so many years ago that's hurting you and holding you back.So I think you should tell him that straight up. Tell him, you adore him very much still, appreciate all he's done for your family and for your kids, but you haven't at all gotten over the fact that you can't trust him after moving out. He has to help you get over this if there's to be any future with you.But be prepared that he's been ready for this. (If he's smart). He may start to get deep and tell you how much he's changed and really changed who he is.Now you might think that I've taken his side on this. I haven't. Your story was just too wonderful. I think you need to be prepared for him to woo you and convince you, because he will. If he had so many girlfriends, this guy knows how to convince women - as you know because he's got you sleeping with him already. Tell him you need to see actions not words. You have to see him grow up, and that he's really matured. He has to show you that he's a good man and that he's really ready to be serious.And one more thing. That he can't ask you to marry him for a long while until you've really seen it. You will tell him when you think he's proven it to you.He put the trust-block up with you, so you have to tell him it's his job to make you trust him and he has to be prepared to do a lot to help you over that. Right now by sleeping with him without sitting him down and letting him know, you actually might be messing up a chance of living together with the rest of your life with the love of your life. Your not letting him mature. He thinks he's earned it and made you fall in love with him, when he really hasn't. Don't just suddenly cut him off, as that would be mean. Encourage him that he will get all of you if you can help him overcome this. If he tries really hard to help you, then you'll know.But to be truthful, he sounds like a great guy who was just wasn't mature enough when you first met for your situation, but is now perfect for you that your life is changing. I would seriously try to work with him to get over this.12 years is a long time for this to keep going the way it has. I know of very few men who would have waited this long. I can see a lot of love on both sides. If he's mature enough and ready enough to help you get over your trust issues, I think you'll be more than half way there and you'll see he's the right guy. If he just continues to act like everything should stay the same, then you'll know your answer right there. But I suspect he'll help once he really knows.I wish for you that everything works out.I hope this helps. Good luck.
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