A
female
age
30-35,
*ahkti
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 16 months. I've had huge trust issues from an ex who cheated on me multiple times, was a drug abuser, self-mutilator, and stole from me and my parents. My ex's friends were all female, and I never minded when we were dating. I never really got jealous until he cheated on me. My now boyfriend just doesn't associate with any other females than me at all, so when he does it's nerve wracking, and yes it bothers me, and yes he knows when something's wrong so I'll have to tell hime.I don't mean for this to be long, but I don't know what to do.During the summer a girl he knew when he was 7 or 8 contacted him on facebook and they messaged each other back and forth. They both used to have crushes on each other and it was like.. "eh... I'm not comfortable". I didn't really want him seeing her because it made me uncomfortable, and he said he was perfectly fine with it. There was once where him and his friend went biking though, and he didn't know his friend was going to meet her. They never did, but my boyfriend did seem like he really wanted to meet this old friend of his even after he told me he wouldn't.I stopped caring about this girl for awhile, until we came back to his house after a soccer game of my boyfriend's. We were going to see a movie and I was checking showtimes while he was in the shower. His history opened and I (being the insecure person I am) opened the facebook pages from "Today, Yesterday, A Few Days Ago" and they were viewing her page like everyday, her pictures and stuff.It made me upset, and he noticed. He wouldn't talk to me until I told him what was wrong, and this was while balling my eyes out on the bus. I told him and he told me I didn't have to be worried, and he'd even delete her on facebook, and I said fine.The next morning, I felt relieved and all right. I logged onto his facebook to make sure and he had deleted her. But there was some other girl in his facebook inbox that made me on edge. There's this new girl at my school that all the guys are going gaga over, she adds my boyfriend on facebook and I'm like "ehh, uncomfortable". I tell me boyfriend and he's like "well I've never even talked to her". But, this message inbox points the opposite way and he started the conversation.Of course, it makes me upset, of course I have to tell him about it. I don't even want to say that these things bother me, but he'll be angry with me if I don't.So, I tell him and what not. Later in the day we're talking on MSN and he doesn't even know if he loves me any more. Like, all of a sudden it's "ifs" instead of "I know I'm sure". I leave to walk my dog and phones me and meets me. The next day he says he knows he loves me and it seems like everything's all right. But, I was still hurt and felt like I couldn't believe in him, and he knows I can't believe in him.(all of this is late january to now by the way)Now, there's this other girl who used to be associated with my ex (as in a girl he cheated on me with), who adds him on facebook too. Again, my boyfriend says he's never talked to them before, but he's in a group with her in his class. I go, "okay, that's fine". And then they start messaging each other.All these girls snowboard, or bike, or play soccer, or do things I don't do. Sure, I bike and I snowboard, but I only started being this active because my boyfriend gave me the chance to, my parents don't have that much money, and his do. Either way, I can't do the things he can do even though I wish I could. But, all these girls already can, and nerve-wracking.I don't have a reason not to trust my boyfriend, but it's really hard to full trust him and believe in everything when I get so jealous all the time.He wanted to go on his grad trip to Cuba next year during March Break, and I'm like "I didn't go on mine this year because of you". Because I knew that it was just mindless sex and drinking and clubbing. But, he doesn't understand that. His mom won't let him go, but he was messaging the random girl in that group about "oh well maybe I'll go", even when he told me he wasn't going to when the mention of a grad trip was brought up in December.Right now, he doesn't even know how he feels about me. And I'm sitting here waiting for him to decide whatever he's deciding and it hurts so much right now to know he's deciding whether he wants to leave me or not. I'm angry and I'm upset and I'm lonely and I just want him here and back to normal to sit with me and lie with me and just.. love me. It hurts so much to know that I've given up so much for him, and been there for so much, and he doesn't even appreciate it. I love him so much, I really do. But, should I give him time to realize how much he loves me back?I'm his first girlfriend, and I have his virginity too. We just.. get along so well, and we don't fight. This is our first real road-block, and I really want to make it through because this relationship is so much different than everyone's I know, and I really just want it to last..He doesn't have many friends (as in only me really). Like, he has a few guy friends, but he hangs around with only me at school.I really want to say so much more..Should I just call the whole thing off or wait even if it hurts so much?
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cheated on me, clubbing, crush, facebook, insecure, jealous, money, msn, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, francine81  +, writes (4 March 2008):
your insecurities is what is going to ruin your relationship. TRUST ME, my recent ex bf had insecurity issues and we would argue every other day. I had to keep molding myself and making sacrifices to make him happy..like your bf does for you..but, you know what? it made me unhappy! i loved him so i kept trying to change to make him comfortable although i was doing nothing wrong..i changed my number, canceled my myspace page..he would break up with me because he was insecure..and it was a constant battle..we sometimes didnt speak about what was bothering us because we always wanted to avoid arguments which isnt good either but, you need to relax..work out these issues within yourself..dont get involved if you can handle it and you really cant bring your past experiences with the other guy into this relationship or the next one.
A
female
reader, blueydblond +, writes (4 March 2008):
 Honey. I have been where you are.Let me just start off by saying that I do, to an extent, agree with your first reply.Your insecurities are ruining what could be a great relationship. I have been there with myself before, and it tore my relationship apart. I am now in a new relationship and am totally much more in love this time than the last. So after the first disaster ended, I changed some things about myself. I changed how jealous I got, my trusting patterns, and I started loving myself more.You can't love someone else until you love yourself honey. That is a proven fact of life. And BY GOLLY it is true!Anyway...you do sound very paranoid. You sound like your self esteem is so low that any girl could pop up in a second and steal him away from you.First of all, that is very unlikely. You say you guys have been together over a year now...Obviously he loves many things about you, or he wouldn't have been in it so long. But you acting like this and giving him little breathing room is making him realize that maybe you have issues that he just doesn't want to be apart of.You need to change it...somehow...and fast, before you let the love of your life slip through your fingers.It will be hard to change old habits. I know. I still catch myself sometimes getting jealous over nothing, but I stop and think, and then let it go. I trust my boyfriend, and I love him dearly. When it comes to cheating he has never given me reason to doubt him, so I stand here putting my heart on the line, giving him full access to break it whenever he can...but the love I have for him is worth that much. You have to love yourself hun. You have to let go of all these pretty faces and stop thinking that they are nothing but competition. If he really loves you and wants to be with you from the bottom of his heart, then no girl can change that. But before you scare him off, you need to spend this time getting ahold of yourself, identify the problem, and make things right if it isn't too late.I hope it works out for you babe!Message me sometime, and let me know how it goes.and if you ever need anything, i'll be here.--Ash
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (1 March 2008):
 You sound a bit like my sister with her b/f!
Have you re read your post? Do you realise how paranoid you sound? Your boyfriend is questing your relationship because he's wondering if he should be with a person like you, your the problem here not him! You have got no proof he's in a affair, innocently messaging other girls isn't something to get upset over. Please stop or you’re going to tear your relationship apart. This is deep inside you and you need to change that, there's nothing wrong with being a bit suspicious, I mean you don't want to go around totally blind but your really going too far!
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