A
male
age
36-40,
*issedOne
writes:I met my ex 8 years ago. I had never been in a serious relationship before her, and she quickly became my first - everything. I haven't known true love before or since, but I know that what we had was true love. I can remember literally seeing a glow around her as she walked into a room. She was a year older than me, and went to college first. I followed her the following year. When I finally moved to the city we both were going to college in, the first couple of years were great (for the most part). We were still in love, and pretty much inseparable. Then, about the end of my second year in college, I started to get an itch.. Being in a fraternity (which she pushed me to join) had started to make me desire to be with other women. I couldn't be satisfied. I wanted her and her love, but I couldn't escape my desire to experience other women. I knew in my heart that that I truly loved this girl, but as she was my first love I felt like I had to experience other relationships before I settled down and committed to someone for life. That started about a year long cycle of breaking up and getting back together. During this year, we both saw other people in between getting back together. At the end of this year, though we both clearly still loved each other, the weight of the breakups - and the jealousy / distrust from the in-between relationships - finally got to be too much. We both went our own ways. Still living in the same city, I ran into her on occasion, and just seeing her face always made my heart skip a couple beats. Still we grew farther apart; we would speak on the phone every few weeks but we were both living our own lives..In the time since finally breaking up (almost 4 years ago), I got my wish. I got to sleep around and experience all the different women I always wanted to..The only problem is that I never felt even a tenth for these girls what I felt for her. In fact, any time I started to get close to another girl I would literally run-away. I knew what true love was and I started to realize that I couldn't find it with any of these girls.As for her, she never had a problem finding a new boyfriend, and eventually she found one that she became really serious with. When she told me they were engaged I was devastated, but I played the part, telling her I was happy for her..Now they have been married almost a year. I spoke with her on the phone for the first time since they were married this past week, and I could still hear the love in her voice. I know we share something special that can never be taken away. But now I don't know what to do. I feel like I lost out on the love of my life. If I could go back and change things, I don't know that I would. I had things I needed to learn. But now that I've learned them, I can't escape this desire to have her back in my life. I can't imagine ever loving another woman the way I loved her. My question is: What do I do? She knows that I still love her, and that I always will. And I know that she will always love me. But she's married now. I don't know how she really feels about him compared to how she feels about me. More than anything, I want to tell her how I feel, and ask her about how she feels. If I knew I had to wait 5 years for her I would, but unless I talk with her about it I'll never know. I just don't feel like it's right for me to ask. She seems very happy right now, and I feel like it's totally outside of my place to question - or jeopardize - her happiness in any way.Any advise?
View related questions:
engaged, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): You need to stay away from her. You had your chance and you totally blew it. Good for her for moving on and finding someone else who would REALLY love her. Why should she have waited around for you while you were out having fun with other girls? Now that you've grown up a little, you need to move on and find someone else, too.
A
male
reader, Wontonbomb  +, writes (12 December 2009):
 I feel for you my man. I understand why aunty bimbim is responding the way she is, as it could seem like you ended it with a great girl for your own selfish needs, and now you want your cake and eat it too.
I don't agree though. I have been through a situation where I was wondering whether or not to end a relationship with someone I had been with for 2 years so that I could experience some of my youth on my own. I didn't in the end as I convinced myself she was pefect, and she left me anyway to do exactly that (score!). As much as I still love this woman, she left me to play the field and I would never allow her back into my life in that way.
As much as it is possible that she still has feelings for you, it is no longer your decision as to how this plays out. She might be extremely happy in her new marriage (and why wouldn't she?), in which case you would do nobody and good by going down this road of questioning. You will hurt yourself and possibly your love's marriage. On the other hand if she is meant to be with you, if her feelings are strong enough, her marriage won't last (which is awful for the other guy involved who will probably need to get some help on here ironically). In which case you have the opportunity to make it work with her yourself.
All im saying is don't try and win her back, or even confuse her with these feelings. It is up to her and you will get your answer soon enough.
Hope that helps
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 December 2009):
 Your followup doesnt change my original response, you had her but you wanted to see how green the grass was elsewhere.
Four years later you have discovered that the grass wasnt all that green elsewhere at all, or maybe you found that other women weren't all that into you, so now you have decided that you really love her, and not only that but you have decided that you "heard" love in her voice when she spoke to you - to me this indicates that you are intending to seek further confirmation that she is the only one for you
hey, guess what, I still hope her husbands gives you a blood nose!
...............................
A
male
reader, MissedOne +, writes (11 December 2009):
MissedOne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to note that Dear Cupid assigned the title "Should I jeopardize her happiness" to my question. That's really not my question at all. I know that I absolutely don't want to jeopardize her happiness; I love that she she is happy.My question is a broad "What should I do?"I let true love go because I wasn't ready for it. Now I'm in a place where I would be ready to give her all of the commitments that I couldn't when I was younger. Except now she's married. And I don't know what to do because I still love her, and haven't been able to feel anything near that same love with anybody else.
...............................
A
male
reader, MissedOne +, writes (11 December 2009):
MissedOne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to note, Dear Cupid assigned the title "Should I jeopardize her happiness" to my question. That's really not the question, as I know that I absolutely don't want to jeopardize her happiness. I love that she is happy. And I wouldn't want to do anything that could mess that up for her.
My question is really just a broad "what should I do?"
I feel like I let true love go, and now I'm at a place where I'd be ready to give her everything I couldn't when I was younger - except that now she's married to someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): You said you learned what you needed to learn. You also learned not to throw away love when you are blessed with it. Take that experience with you. Let this girl go. She loves someone else now. She probably still loves you, but not like that anymore. Cherish the love you have for her as something that will help you move on in life, not something that keeps you in the past. Then open up your heart for another woman to love.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 December 2009):
Leave her alone, she wasnt enough for you, you HAD to experience othe women, and she went on and got herself a life elsewhere, now you want so stuff her life up
Just leave her alone okay, and if you dont I hope her husband comes after you and gives you a blood nose!
...............................
|
