A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm in a relationship for ~ 2 and a half years. She means a lot to me, and I to her (or so she leads me to believe). We get on very well, I enjoy and feel very much at ease with her and all that good stuff.However, I do not feel very trusted by her as to be involved in particular aspects of her life - some of the more important aspects. During difficult times in the past she's felt a little guarded, turning more to parents. She's also admitted she's not wanted to involve me in job hunting news and leads, as to not to 'tempt fate'. It feels like I'm not important enough to her, whereas for anything I would be involving her. She is very close to her mother, and it appears that's where her priorities lie, and I'm not sure there is any prospect on the horizon of that changing.How long would you leave it to become trusted enough to be involved in these more 'important' aspects of life? We did talk this all through a year ago, but things seems to be carrying on this year. Maybe that's just how things / she is. I don't want to waste time in relationship where that deep trust isn't building (i.e. enough for me to consider that what we have is worthy of the long term), and possibly won't ever - despite nothing being 'wrong' on the face of it. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2017): I think you're missing the point. Her connection to her mother is totally different from her romantic-relationship to you. Keep things in proper perspective. You can't fix everything, and she shouldn't place that burden on your shoulders. It's okay to help, but don't play the role of Mr. Fix-it. Then you'll complain how needy and dependent she is.
We all have our preferred-sources and go-to people. Old habits are sometimes hard to break; and we repeatedly go back to what's reliable.
If every-time she comes to you for help and your condescend to her or make her feel dumb; she's going to avoid you. Just a side-note.
If she is addressing an issue mainly experienced by women; her mom is a great source of advice and support. If it pertains to finances; that gets touchy, and borrowing from boyfriends can become a nightmare. Better to go to a lender, or your family. Loans breakup friendships and relationships big time! People get weird about their money.
If she has had a few disappointments with men, Twice-bitten twice shy. Some women just don't snap out of it. Plus, if she's a big baby who runs to mama every little thing; you've got a little girl on your hands. Mama gloats and pampers her. Mommy is always on her side, and mommy constantly encourages her to bring her problems home. She'll bully or chastise her; if she'd dare have the nerve to grow-up without permission. If her mother is overbearing and over-protective; she has her under her thumb. She took care of her through heart-breaks. You're competing with a powerful opponent. She uses guilt as a weapon. They both may have had man-issues and stick close together. It's a lady thing.
We rarely get posts from men concerned about their place in their relationships and how they feel. I had to jump right on this; because I wish we had a lot more of them. Now lets get back to your question.
I think your girlfriend suffers from a bit of immaturity and maybe some arrested-development. Running home to mama is her way of keeping one foot in her childhood; and how she avoids dealing with adult-life. If she has had a series of bad relationships, or one tremendous failure; she's traumatized with trust-issues and insecurities. Sometimes it takes therapy to bring some people out of it.
How long? I guess this all depends on your tolerance and threshold for dealing with foolishness or nonsense.
Trust fuels relationships, and they can't really survive without it. I often tell readers that insecurity kills relationships. It's not your responsibility to constantly cater to her insecurities; or dance around on eggshells to protect her. You can't always cure them. If you give love and trust; you deserve it in return. Selfish people take and take and take. Sometimes you can never repair that defect in their personality/psyche. In utter-contradiction, they set high expectations, demand a lot from their partners; but fail to offer the trust that the partner has earned.
You talked about it a year ago. My friend, that is a topic a couple addresses as long as the problem remains unresolved. That is a part of relationship maintenance. Where the relationship goes, how it matures, and how it endures depends on trust. If denied, you lose faith in the relationship. The problem with women with trust-issues is they sabotage their relationships over and over; but blame it on men. Snooping around on him, questioning his every move and motive, and demanding constant reassurance about his feelings for her. Well, being human; a guy can take only so much. When he knows he has done all that can that's humanly possible. It is then that he has to evaluate and reassess his relationship. If it isn't progressing, growing, and he doesn't feel appreciated, feels he's or taken for granted. He then considers his options.
Talk to her and open-up. Tell her as clearly as you explained it to us. If you beat around the bush, or let your male-pride prevent you from being outright with your concerns; you're messing around with the problem; not working towards a solution.
If you're in a fight defending yourself, swinging at your opponent is wasting energy and it's ineffective. Same goes for miscommunication between partners in a relationship. Little arguments and sketchy complaints don't get to the route of the problem. Articulate your issue. Put in plain words.
You need to sit her down. Explain that it is directly affecting your feelings about the relationship that you receive little trust. You're totally unsure of her feelings for you; and she completely leaves you out of what's going on with her. That makes you feel like you're wasting your time. That will get her attention! One thing that will get a woman's attention is when she thinks you're giving her a breakup-speech. This is only an attempt to let her know how serious this matter is. It is quite serious. It's good you are concerned enough to seek some advice; while venting the issue. Rather than internalizing like we males far to often do.
It is not unmasculine to identify a problem in your relationship and verbalizing it. Expecting a partner to read your mind is ludicrous. Touching on a subject once, may not be enough. Sometimes a follow-up discussion is required; and praise is deserved for good effort. If she tries and there's no feedback, she'll give-up. Just like when you're trying to earn trust and getting no feedback or a positive and discernible response. No effective-communication, no resolution to the problem. Got it?
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (14 August 2017):
Short answers: You can't build trust in 2 years.Long answer: Yes, you can build trust in 2 years, but it depends on each person. However, I don't think 2 years is enough for some one to fully trust you.I have been with my GF for 10 years, and we haven't married due to $$ issues . However, at this stage in life, we fully trust each other, and we include each other in those important aspects of life.For a lot of persons, their families come first, and she seems to prioritize her mother above many things, which it's good and normal. It's not something that you can change or you want to change. Her parents won't be there a long time (considering the average life span is 75 years), so let her enjoy her parents while they are there.I can't tell you at which year we started to trust each other (on my relationship) a lot, but I could say that it's beyond the 3 year mark. Yes, it's a long wait, but hey, you already have 2/3 of that already. If you really care for her and she cares about you, and there is no other big issue in there, I think you should wait. Trust is something that it's very hard to obtain from someone, specially if your partner is smart and/or shy. Perhaps she has had bad experiences with other men in her past that have stopped her from trusting men completely. It's only when bad things happens on your lives when you can truly see how much you trust each other and how reliable is each one of you. With my GF, we've been through a lot of (external) problems together, and we have been able to get through them. If you stick around a girl through those bad times, and show her the high quality of a man you are, you definitely earn her Trust AND Respect.However, if you can't wait one or more years for her to fully trust you, and this aspect is very important to you, then I think you should move on.
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