A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm an 18 y/o girl and I've never had a boyfriend but I'm also not a virgin. I lost my virginity to my guy friend, which wasn't planned at all, but it happened and I guess I don't regret my first time. Better off with someone I trust and respect and who respects me than some idiot I met in the club. I guess you could call us friends with benefits after a while because that's exactly what we were. We were friends, with the benefits of occasional sex. I didn't need to masturbate much because I was having the real thing. We stopped being friends with benefits and went back to just friends. We stopped because I guess I realised that I didn't just want to have sex with a guys, I wanted the cuddles and love and kissed, but not with him, and he didn't want that with me either. So of course I'm single and not having sex and not in a relationship. It puts me in a down mood sometimes because I want somebody to love me and make love to me. Actual love not just a f**k. But then whenever I get down about not having that I pleasure myself, which makes me feel loads better, at least temporarily. My question is does that mean I just want sex again and I'm mistakening that feeling for wanting a relationship.?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2017): You want a real relationship and all the trappings. Affection, kissing, holding hands, and being held in his arms.
It gets a little tricky; because at your age, the lines get a little blurred by raging hormones. Hormones want immediate gratification; all the other good stuff isn't that important in the heat of the moment. So you have to control your urges around boys; and get them to notice more about you than your body.
Boys are more than willing to go straight to sex; but you also want the affection, kissing, holding hands,etc. Lets not forget "respect!" So you have to be selective about who you offer yourself to; and be more mindful of why you're doing it. Guys don't attach their feelings to sex like young females coming of age. So you have to be careful about giving them what they want, whenever they want it. Even when you want it just as bad.
It happens to all of us. You've been introduced to real-sex; and that experience may not have been introduced to you in the best way. You're confused, because you got the physical pleasure without the emotional-pleasure; which was much like masturbation. Masturbation pleases your sexual-urges, but you're more complex than that. You have other needs that need to be met.
You want emotional-fulfillment and affection along with the sexual-pleasure. So now focus on finding a guy who will like you first; and won't rush you into sex. By the same token, you shouldn't let your hormones always take the wheel and make you too anxious about sex. Only to be treated like just another girl willing to have sex. They'll use you and walk away. You'll miss out on all those great things you said that you want with it.
Let me know if this doesn't make sense to you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 August 2017):
 Your head tells you you don't want a relationship with this guy but your body, ruled by biology, tells you it's important to be loved in case you get pregnant so that there's a father figure for your baby. It's encouraged by the happy hormones induced by hugging and cuddling. Some people can totally separate emotions from sex but many find it hard. Biology doesn't care about compatibility, availability of a partner and financial means. It rewards you by making you feel happy and feel loved when you are in a relationship. It causes you to feel anxious about seeing your lover again. It can also make you feel used if a guy doesn't contact you enough. So that's why for a lot of women and some men, it can hardly feel natural to just fuck without emotions involved.
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