A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has been unemployed for over a year. I feel partially responsible for his situation because he moved with me so that I could start a job, and the new area does not offer many jobs in his field. In the past year, I have seen his mental state decline rapidly; being unemployed and isolated in a new location can do that to someone easily. Recently, he landed a job that I sent a resume to. He refused to apply to it, and then refused to go to the interview because he insisted they would not hire him. This was the type of job he has been dreaming of since I met him. Well, he gets the job, is offered twice as much money as he was earning before, trains for a week, and then he doesn't hear from the owners for five days. He assumes they did not like his work and sinks into a deep depression. I encourage him to call them in case there was a misunderstanding, but he hits rock bottom and starts sobbing, posting a suicidal poem online about how he has "failed their test." This morning, they call, reminding him that they will be open for business this weekend. I am ecstatic that he still has the job, but he freaks out. While I am at work, he writes the manager an email because he thinks the manager's message sounds angry and he doesn't have the nerve to call the manager. He explains that he was under the impression that he was to wait for their call (the manager expected him to call). He also feels he needs to be honest, so he tells the manager that he has had two nervous breakdowns in the past year (true). The manager writes back, says he is going to look for someone else for the job, and that maybe he would contact him to hire him at an hourly rate.I understand why my boyfriend is panicking about going back into the work world after being isolated like this for a year, but I know he is capable of the work and that after a week on the job, he would be fine. I was seeing a positive change in him already, and knew that he needed something like this to gain confidence again. To me, the job was a blessing from God, because it was going to change his life forever. But now, I am flabbergasted that he has compromised it in this way. I don't want to get rid of him. I cannot imagine life without him. But can I just put up with this? I don't think he would have written the manager that letter if there wasn't a five day break to send him panicking. Would it be wise to contact the manager myself?
View related questions:
at work, confidence, gain confidence, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 Does he sound ready?
If he really has depression and no, you nor me are qualified to diagnose that, then that is not something you get over easily or indeed ever totally get rid off.
Thinking a bright spell is an improvement is wishful thinking. Depressing is deep valley's with occasional hill but the valley's get ever deeper making even the smallest hill seem like a mountain. But at the other end there is always another dip.
Get some professional help, first to see what is going on and then to see what can be done about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): First of all, can I just say that it's really unfortunate that mental health problems should have this stigma. No employer should pull away from a good candidate just because they confess to having had a breakdown! The fact that they've behaved this way suggests to me that you're dealing with a company, or at least an individual, who has little understanding of mental health issues. That being the case, I don't think you should contact the manager. He's an adult, and any would-be employed will expect him to show that he can deal with his own business. Having contact with a partner would be unusual, if not alarming - and could reinforce all kinds of negative stereotypes. I also think you should question whether your boyfriend should really be working in an environment where he might face discrimination or bigotry because of his medical history. Secondly, and unfortunately, people don't just leap out of bed one day, yell 'I'm cured of depression!', and go off, happily skipping through life. Mental health problems are difficult and intractable. I think you need to talk to your bf and find out why he acted this way. Did he simply misjudge the system, being honest where it would have been safer to remain silent? Or is he deliberately self-sabotaging because he doesn't feel able to cope with work? In particular, it sounds as though your boyfriend is a bit of a catastrophic thinker. Talk to him about his fears - don't rubbish them (even if they seem extreme), but let him voice them, and be understanding about how they make him feel. Then, encourage him to see them in a different, and more positive light which focuses less on the unremittingly negative viewpoint. For example 'I have absolutely nothing to offer' can be turned into 'I am good at X and Y, but my Z skills could use some improvement'. Get him to replace the really evil, negative thoughts about himself with something more balanced and less catastrophic, and he'll improve. Also, it sounds as though he needs counselling. If he goes to pieces over a relatively slight thing in the way you describe, there must be a lot of issues very close to the surface. Sounds as though talking things over with an impartial and trained listener might help. Finally, it sounds as though your bf needs to build up his confidence. How about getting him to undertake some voluntary work with others a couple of days a week? That might help him feel more comfortable with the world of work, and allow him to make a smoother transition to a job. Particularly if he's been as isolated as you say, he might need to get used to being around others again.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 No don't contact the manager yourself. It needs to come from him. He is at a very low point in his life and he needs to get confidence in himself again. Maybe going to a career guidance counsellor would benefit him well. Or even visiting a therapist to get his confidence back up and running again. Sit down and talk to him and tell him how you are feeling, because this effects you as well.
...............................
|
