A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I are very much in love but broke up amicably. He’s developed a drug addiction. He’s high functioning but it’s something I cannot accept. He’s admitted to his addiction and understands why I can’t be with him. He’ll be moving out this week. He says he plans to reach out for professional help when he’s ready. His mom and two best friends know we broke up. They think it’s due to incompatibility. I was wondering if I should let them know the real reason. I believe he needs support and can’t do this on his own. I think it’d be a good idea to suggest that perhaps if they have time and are willing, can invite him out on a hike or spend time with him. I’m sure he can use the distraction. Thing is, he hasn’t told them about this and I would be betraying his trust. My ex is the kindest, most empathetic, and understanding person I know. He’s truly the best guy. So I believe that he’ll understand why I did this. And if not, I think it’s worth the risk for the sake of his health. My ex treated me very well and has always been incredibly loving and supportive. That’s why I want to take the extra step to do this. If he was a bad boyfriend, I wouldn’t bother. His mom is someone whom I know would give him the love and support he needs but also push him to get better and give him a dose of reality. His best friends will be supportive as well. They’ve had a talk with him about cutting down on drug before. I believe that by letting them know, they’ll stop inviting him to go to raves with them (which commonly involve drugs). Or at least be less encouraging. I would like to be there from him too, but I believe we need space first in order to have a chance at being friends in the future. We broke up because he promised to stop using the drug a few times and never did. Staying with him would just be enabling him. Telling his mom would likely result in a family intervention. I think that would be a good thing. Knowing him, he’ll be open to what they have to say VS pushing them away. Should I inform them after he moves out? Or mind my own business? I want to do a good thing but somehow it also feels wrong. I believe this may make a difference between whether he gets better VS secretly becoming more and more addicted. I understand it’s not my responsibility though. I also feel bad for seemingly pushing the responsibility onto others.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2022): He is an adult, he knows what he is doing and he will get help when he wants to. It's not your place to tell anyone about his addiction. He needs to deal with it himself. If you've pointed him to therapy there is nothing more you can do
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 November 2022):
 Correct me if I am wrong but my suspicion is that your desire to "fix" his addiction is so that you and he can resume your relationship. You admit you still love him, you still like him as a person, you just can't live with his addiction. This isn't just about helping HIM.
In your shoes I would just have a very honest conversation with him (if you haven't done so already). Tell him very clearly that you love him but hate his addiction. Tell him very bluntly that his addiction has come between you and ruined your future.
Then I think you need to walk away and get on with your life without him. Do not stay in contact. Do not try to fix him, because you can't. It is HIS job to fix HIMSELF.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2022): Nobody in their right mind gets involved with people with lots of problems, baggage, bad decisions etc. Unless they are the same. If your ex wants help he can ask for it, it is dumb to get involved in anyway, and even dumber to think you can expect others to help just so it eases your conscience. If they choose to help that is up to them they are not obligated to just because it suits him or you. They are probably totally out of their depth with supporting a person into drugs, as they are not professional and experienced enough.
Could make things a lot worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2022): I too must agree with Kenny. I do believe that in this particular case, you should honor his privacy; and allow him to seek help in his own time. It is his personal responsibility to divulge this kind of information to whomever he feels he can trust. If he seeks treatment, and is successful at overcoming his addiction; then no-one has to be alarmed or under the burden of worrying about him.
I know you feel the responsibility to tell someone who "might" intervene to make sure he keeps to his promise to seek help. It could also be misconstrued as spiteful gossip, after the breakup.
As tempting as this is, he has to be given a reasonable chance to follow-through with what he has promised to do. Intervention by others sometimes only succeeds at alienating or estranging families; and it's one of those things you have to assess on a case by case basis. It doesn't work in every given situation. Intervention helps when all the family has a history, and long-term knowledge, of dealing with a history of addiction. It is generally known the addict is on a path of self-destruction. It doesn't work when a person is caught off-guard, humiliated, or the family handles things badly; and inadvertently, triggers the problem. An ambush and an intervention are not the same thing. Sometimes people don't know the difference.
The status of your relationship is strictly his prerogative to share with his family-members and friends. Not yours! If caught by surprise, and cornered; then you would have no choice. You need to give him time to deal with his own family; while you focus more on your own. Unless you are as close as an actual member of his family. Say, you've grown-up together. Just remember this! People don't always react to bad-news in the way you would hope or expect. They can be cynical, accusatory, and reactionary. They may act completely out of character, when they feel shamed or humiliated. This whole situation at-hand, is simultaneous with a "breakup." Which itself, comes with complications, suspicions, and presumptions. Sometimes "no good-deed goes unpunished!" As that saying goes!
Stay on the fringes as an observer. Check on his progress. If it is evident that he's dragging his feet, you notice he is frequently high, and you see no indication he has sought any form of counseling and rehabilitation; carefully, and calmly, inform his parents of the problem. If they wonder why you didn't tell them sooner, simply explain you gave him that right first and foremost; and you feel you had no right to get ahead of him about something he trustingly left in your confidence, and hoped you to keep to yourself. Why would he lay that responsibility on your shoulders, when it is his to bear?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2022):
 I can understand why you feel a need to tell them. He obviously needs help.
However, telling his family might not help at all. If he isn't ready to SEEK help and GET help - he isn't ready.
While I agree with Kenny, I would tell his mom (if she and I were close).
Also, I would not attempt to be FRIENDS with this ex. You need to go no contact totally. YOU need to move on.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 November 2022):
 I realise you are going to get varied opinions on this, but i am going to go along the lines of staying out of it and not informing them.
I know that you split amicably, and that is a good thing, but you have still broken up, and he is essentially now your ex. That for me is good enough reason to not get involved.
I know it feels like you want to, like its the right thing to do, but i would leave it alone.
I don't think it makes you a bad person by not divulging his addiction to his family. He pals know of his addiction, and have in the past told him to cut down, so i think on that basis his parents will probably find out soon enough anyway.
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