| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I’m in a horrible situation and would love some help please.I started dating a man back in June. We’d known each other through work for a couple of years and there has always been some flirtation between us so I was thrilled when he asked me out. I wanted to take things slowly and not rush into anything heavy after being badly hurt in my previous relationship so we would just meet one night a week and spend most the day Saturday together which suited me perfectly.It was honestly wonderful, I felt so so happy. He was telling me all the things I wanted to hear, how he’d liked me for ages and he couldn’t believe I felt the same way, how he’d dreamed of a relationship with me, things he’d planned for us to do in the future etc etc. Beginning of last month I get a panicked call from him at work - I asked what was wrong. He went into a rambled frenzy about how there was something he hadn’t told me - he had a partner of 4 years. And she had found out about his relationship with me. He tried doing the usual thing of telling me how desperately unhappy he was but he couldn’t leave as they owned their house together and she had threatened if he left he’d never see his child again. I wasn’t interested, I told him I was done and I meant it.I didn’t hear from him for about a week then one day at work he saw me and came to talk to me. He apologised profusely, said how embarrassed he was and he wishes things could be different. I wasn’t having any of it. He asked if we could remain friends or at the very least remain civil with one another because of work. I said we could remain civil.Two weeks later and I’d barely seen him at work, but I saw him briefly one morning and he tried to chat but I was in a hurry so couldn’t. That evening I get a phone call from him, very calmly telling me that whilst he was sorry for what happened, he’d been thinking and he needed to tell me that he had never had feelings for me and never really saw a future together for us, he’d just felt caught up in the moment, as he put it. He loved his partner and he didn’t know what had come over him, he then asked me to delete his number and we’d pretend that nothing had ever happened. There was no reason for this call whatsoever, but I won’t lie, what he said hurt. I had done what I thought was the decent thing, even though I found it hard. I hadn’t wanted to give him up, we’d shared some special times together and as our relationship has progressed I truly thought all my dreams had come true with this guy, only for that bombshell to come. I genuinely had no idea he had another life elsewhere and it did hurt like hell to give him up but I knew I had to. But for him to turn around and tell me he never had feelings for me and didn’t mean any of the things he said was so so hard to hear. I don’t have contact with him now and have moved offices so I don’t need to see him, but I can’t get over the hurt of those words. Did he really mean them? Did he spend 5 months telling me how much he’d wanted all this, promising me the world, telling me that he was falling in love with me, just for the sake of it? I don’t understand it
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2022): I'm with the anonymous female who tells you simply:
"stop being so dramatic and making out it is a total disaster and the worst thing that can happen to someone."
Try, three years of intimacy with someone, time and time again being made to feel guilty about whether she's nothing more than a sex object for you (having you wondering where that is supposed to be coming from, but you're the 'giving' type, so you're keen to remedy to whatever is wrong... but... ever-moving-goal-post) until one day, you're discarded just like the latest piece of paper she's used... and you realize that for three years, you've been sleeping with a person who does not exist.
Over three years, you've failed to realize how you've let your common-sense, your guard, down: you've really had just one 'friend', you've really spoken to just one person, you've woken up only looking forward to texting one person. You've been all-consumed.
It's workable, until the day you find out that, in a world that it takes all kinds to make, that one person is a narcissist.
"stop being so dramatic and making out it is a total disaster and the worst thing that can happen to someone."
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 November 2022):
 Bit of a coincidence that he suddenly decided he "never had feelings" for you immediately after you walked away when he wanted to chat, don't you think? Of course it isn't a coincidence. He knew exactly how to hurt you and knock you off balance.
I think there is one of two things going on here. Either he expected you to agree to be his bit on the side and was sorely disappointed when you showed him you were a strong and principled woman, so he lashed out in revenge, or his call was made for the benefit of his partner. Personally I suspect the first scenario is the more likely.
Given that he deceived you for 5 months and led you on, count your blessings that the truth surfaced such a short time into the relationship. Sweetheart, you have dodged a bullet. This man is not who he pretended to be. He is a cheat and a liar, and lashes out when he thinks he has been snubbed.
Forgive yourself this mistake, learn the lesson fate sent you and move on to better things. When you meet the right partner, you will understand why the others - including this cheating low life - didn't work out. Someone as weak and devious as him could never be worthy of someone like you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2022): You barely know this man, six months is nothing.
As for him calling and saying that stuff it is very obvious he just said that to upset you or please her. He lied through and through, why would he stop lying now? You are not in a horrible position, you are writing off six months, just go back to how things were a mere six months ago. You are not unemployed, homeless, penniless and friendless, so stop being so dramatic and making out it is a total disaster and the worst thing that can happen to someone. Next time take things slower and don't be so gullible as to believe everything a person says to you. Be more grown up. Be cautious. Think first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2022): What that man said before or after doesn't matter anymore. He could have just called and said what he said just to even the score with you for "rejecting" him outright. His ego was crushed, to be dropped so abruptly. It was exactly the smart and proper thing to do; and being human, of course you'd have some trepidation and remorse. Considering the fact you had developed some feelings for the guy. This is what second-guessing makes you do.
Now stop and think, before you allow this to put you in an emotional-tailspin. This guy calls you out-of-the-blue, to tell you it was all a lie. If it was, then your decision to cut-loose is all the more wise and justified. Your feelings were based on deception. If he says that is the case, why not believe him? Don't let him gaslight you by turning it around by telling you "you didn't dump me, I dumped you!!!" Girlfriend, that is what all this is about.
Now you want him more than ever, because he supposedly has now dumped YOU?!! He is playing on that one particular nerve, and it seems to be working. I'm sorry, but the player is outsmarting you; and you're admitting it. You better stop and think who now has the advantage in this situation? The player, or the one who escaped his trap?
You never should have dated a co-worker. You built-up school-girl day-dreams about the guy; instead of keeping your feet planted on solid ground. To make matters even worse; you fell for all that sappy gooey sweettalk. Come on, now! Don't you get suspicious when guys lay it on that thick? It's nice to be wooed, and spoken-to in sweet ways; but what you described would give me diabetes!
He says he didn't mean it? Then finally he's being honest. Good!
You've ducked a bullet! He was a player, you almost fell for it; but now he's gone. Good riddance!
Pickup your pretty dolls and dishes, dust off your shoulders, and move on! You have better days ahead. He's a tear-drop in an ocean of men!
Don't fall apart so easily. You have a lifetime ahead of you; and you'd better practice getting over disappointment and failure with dignity and grace. Learn from your mistakes, instead of becoming bitter or cynical. You'll live to fight another day! You've added another plate to your armor. Such is life, while you're on your journey to find the guy who is meant for you; and whom you are meant for him. It won't be every guy who tells you what you want to hear! Some are just good to date, and let-go; some will stick around awhile. Then one day, a man will capture your heart, he won't just let you go. He will have the character and attributes that will check most of the boxes; and you will know with all your mind, heart, and soul that this time it is going to workout. He'll prove it with his actions, not a bucket full of sweet and sappy words. You're a dignified grown-woman, not a love-struck teenage girl.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2022):
 Oh OP!
His phone call to "tell you he never really cared or saw a future with you" was either made in front of his partner to PLACATE HER or it was because you rejected him AS SOON as you found out he was a cheating bastard.
His wee little feelings got hurt that you dropped him like a hot potato the MOMENT you found out what a despicable man he REALLY is. HE wanted YOU to feel rejected and hurt too.
OP, he was full of shit to get you INTO bed and he is still full of shit.
DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT take OWNERSHIP of his crappy behavior.
Either way, this is NOT about you or your VALUE as a partner or woman, it's ALL about what an honestly LOUSY SUBPAR piece of crap HE is.
This was NEVER about YOU lacking ANYTHING.
Next time though, MAKE damned sure your potential partner IS single before starting anything.
Do block and delete his number. because he is a cheating loser.
Shake it off and STOP letting him live rent-free in your head - he was a loser who cheated and YOU got out.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 November 2022):
 I am going to get straight to the point and say it really does not matter what he thinks anymore,we both know what sort of person he is and you dodged a bullet if you ask me as he is not someone you want in your life.
When you found out he has a partner you did what anyone would do, you told he you were done, and then remained civil for work purposes, so well done for that as i know it could not have been easy.
The call you got from him telling you he never had any feelings for you was completely unnecessary and really just goes to show what a complete arse he really is.
He is essentially a liar, a cheat, and he made you fall in love with him under false pretenses. He know you had strong feelings for him, he reeled you in, gave you false hope, all the time knowing he had a life somewhere else.
i am sorry that you had to go through this, but you now need to put this one down to experience, a learning curve. Use it as hind sight so you can take the lessons you learnt with you to make you more wary in subsequent relationships.
He duped you, his words to you now are meaningless and you need to put this experience behind you. It may not feel like it now, but time is the healer of all things and things will get easier.
Just tell yourself that you are very lucky you found out what he was when you did and you did not waste anymore of your life on him.
He is a liar and loser, and you are so much better off now he is not in your life.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and onwards and upwards.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 November 2022):
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