A
female
age
30-35,
*ove.
writes:So I'm 19 and a virgin with a boyfriend who is 20 and not a virgin. At the beginning of the relationship he said he would wait till I was ready, now 6 months later I think he's getting impatient. It's not that I don't want to it's just I care to much about what he's thinking and I know I will or would drive myself insane and totally put myself off having sex or foreplay even. Every time he goes to put his hand down my pants my automatic reaction is to stop him.So what I'm asking for all you agony aunts is: Should I just ignore my automatic reaction and "go with the flow"?I'm really insecure. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): No offence to the others but I think they're wrong.
You say you want to but you've just built this up too much in your head and are also insecure.
The fact is OP if this is something that you do want then it's not just him losing out it's you.
Abigail is wrong OP virginity is not a big deal at all, your problem seems to be that you've made everything to do with sex be this massive deal in your head and put yourself under tonnes of pressure and are too anxious to even let him touch you intimately.
It's not about whether he's willing to wait, 6 months says he is and gently trying to move things forward by putting his hand down your pants isn't a step too far if he's respectful enough to accept that.
OP what are your hang ups here? Are you self conscious of nudity? Are you afraid of his reaction to your body? Are you having performance anxiety? You need to figure out what it is mentally that is making you flinch and see if you can overcome that. maybe take greater control and start off very slowly with some touching outside the clothing, if it doesn't feel good to you or nice then obviously stop him, but if you want to progress this relationship sexually then take control of what he does and take tiny steps. Introduce some outside clothes foreplay, maybe some dry humping, and just progress slowly with this and make yourself comfortable which each progression. Take sex out of the equation and out of your mind for now OP and don't let his impatience bother you, it's kind of a compliment, it means after 6 months of being your boyfriend with absolutely zero sexual activity he still wants to be with you and still wants you that way.
You know if you find it easier the maybe you can explore his body first, if your insecurities are about your body, then he'll be more than happy to let you play with his. Maybe once you've gotten comfortable enough with his anatomy then it may ease your nerves a little and it would certainly ease any frustration that may be building up in him.
Most of all though OP do what feels comfortable to you, but it doesn't hurt to step out of that comfort zone every once and while in a small way. Like learning to swim, you wouldn't just jump into the ocean, you'd dip your toes in first to see what it's like, walk in up to your ankles etc. etc.
Try not to see this as such a big deal OP, I mean you're old enough to know that the vast majority of us love all this kind of thing so it's actually nothing to be nervous about, it's a lot of fun and being a virgin means you don't have to perform at all, you'll learn on the job, so to speak.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 September 2012):
 I think you should talk to him. Him putting his hands down your pants kind of show that is ISN'T respecting you wish to wait. He thinks if he keeps pushing the subject you will eventually give. That isn't right, and it seems to have backfired too ads you say you feel the automatic responds is to tell him no. I understand that he's horny and all, but he needs to respect and wait or end it if having sex is more important.
I think the fact that you still make him stop, means you aren't fully ready. And honestly I think that is OK. But I think you need to VERBALIZE it to him.
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury +, writes (16 September 2012):
 - add on:
Oh, and if you do just "do it" to please him, you probably wont feel any better hun, you'll just feel like you did it to please him.
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury +, writes (16 September 2012):
You probably feel embarrassed or feel as though you're being silly - you're not.
You need to make sure you're ready. Losing your virginity is a huge deal!! I was 16 when I lost mine, and I'm still with the guy now and we have a one year old.
I'm so glad I didn't do it with my previous boyfriends as they treat me like rubbish.
If you don't feel ready, tell him. If he leaves you or is disgusted then he is so not worth it.
My partner was 20 at the time and was also a virgin, so don't feel silly. It was a scary experience for us both as it was our first time, but you'll know when it's right.
:)
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