A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So...went on my first one-on-one date ever the other day and it was with a guy 5 years older than me. Despite my age, I have no dating experience whatsoever. And what's worse, I'm not the most affectionate person. Hand-holding, hugging, "i Love you's" etc. None of that comes naturally to me, even with family. It just makes me feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable. Essentially I've always been someone with like a personal bubble that I don't like having invaded if that makes sense. Well the date went pretty well and actually lasted until 7:00pm! We started with lunch at 11:00am. It was mainly just a lot of casual talking back and forth about just a variety of topics. The thing is, during the last two hours, we spent the time sitting on a bench in a park, just talking...and he put his arm around my shoulders. I kinda went stiff a bit but I smiled at him like I was acknowledging it, but didn't really react to it (like move closer or anything). I just kept smiling/talking like it was nothing, and he didn't pull away so thankfully I don't think I upset him.The thing is, should that have been the moment that I should have spoken up and said something about affection? My issue is that we haven't really established that either of us like romantically like each other, we've just hung out once with a friend with us and then he asked me to meet for lunch one day. I don't know his past experience with dates, I just know he seems to be just as shy as me, but perhaps a tad bit more willing to test things out like the arm around the shoulder move. I'm not opposed to possibly becoming closer relationship-wise. I'm just not super attracted to him at the moment, he's not bad-looking or anything, it's just at the moment I simply find him to be nice and friendly and I'm open to getting to know him more. That's why I didn't pull away or anything. I'm just curious as to when's the right time to let him know that I'm open to dating more, but that I may be very slow moving about it as showing affection and being touchy/feely with people is still new to me? I'm wondering if when he put his arm around me was the moment to do so even though it would have meant kind of interrupting the pretty decent conversations we were having. We still left the date on pretty happy terms, I just think I should have said something. I just don't know how he feels! If he really is interested in something romantic or if he's just starting a friendship first. I am clueless at this stuff...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for the advice!
He really has been nothing but a gentleman to me which I appreciate. I just think at the moment he's a bit more into me than I am into him, but like I said, I don't know his past, so I don't know if he's dated before and things just moved quicker or what.
I just don't want to give him the wrong idea I guess, like I don't want to perpetuate that I'm ready to jump right into a relationship. Which is why I've been a bit more reserved. We walked around the park for a bit before sitting at the bench, and I purposely kept my hands in my pockets to avoid any attempts at hand-holding. And we went to a movie as well where the cushioned seats pair off into twos and I kept my arms crossed and we had space between us.
The thought of being intimate and vulnerable physically with someone has just always made me uncomfortable and I have no idea why. I just so used to keeping to myself.
But to the female anon, you're absolutely right. I've always imagined befriending someone first so I know I can trust them before even thinking of a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2018): The date went well and you enjoyed it.I dont think it at all inappropriate that he put his arm around you while you were sitting talking for ages on the park bench.In a way its quite gentlemanly.Its about making a public statement to others saying: "She's with me!" As you flinched a bit I think he would notice.But you rested with the arm there as did he.You shouldnt have to worry about an arm on your shoulders.You must have had a very restrictive lifestyle to get you to the place you are at.Hugs and friendly arms around your shoulders were clearly lacking.Honeypie is quite correct in pointing out that you can always say no to any form of affection you dont want.If his hand had slipped to your breasts you could slap it away.Have you thought of kickboxing or martial arts for yourself so that you can practice assertive forms of physical contact.As for romantic forms of physical contact such as kissing and caressing you must wait until you feel comfortable with kissing in the time and place and with a person you wish to kiss.But you dont need to tell anyone anything especially on a first date.You want to take your time about revealing yourself too deeply to anyone at all unless you chose therapy where everything you say is held in confidence and shouldnt come back to haunt your daily life and contacts.If this guy wants to date you again you might let him hold your hand whilst looking into your eyes and talking.That is quite enough for early romance and you can continue to be politely affectionate to each other.But quite simply you dont have to do anything you dont want to do and its important to let the guy know he is overstepping the line if he tries to rush you.When you feel ready to confide you could tell him that you are uncomfortable with public displays of affection.You can always add that you are not ready to jump into bed behind closed doors either.If he asks "why"?You can tell him you are not that sort of girl and you have standards!This of course means you are neither a fast nor easy lay !Also you could say you would not have sex before marriage or engagement.If a guy says he just wants 'fun' he usually means he wants no strings attached sex and he has assumed you are "a fun type of girl"!Tell that kind of guy to have fun on his own and he cant have "fun" with you.But your date didnt sound that bad.A lot of men respect a woman who doesnt want to hop in and out of bed with anyone.So maintain your standards until you have settled for the man you want.And take things slowly without overthinking it.I see you as someone looking for friendship first and relationship second, not the other way around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2018): The man is looking for more and he's wasting no time?!
If he were a true gent, he would have asked if it was ok to do that before leaping in. he read you wrong and that's not a good sign. It obviously made you feel uncomfortable as you wouldn't have come here!
These men need to slow it right down. Us woman are so fragile because we're so worried that all they want is sex and how they go about it (and this is just one of the ways) that we have (and should have) defences up.
You are right to be concerned.
That little tentacle arm could lead to other tentacles that one doesn't want ending up on a dinner plate??
Do we?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2018):
 Do you need to explain to an ALMOST stranger that you are not a tactile person?
No.
However, If someone TOUCHES you and it makes uncomfortable, it IS OK to say - I'm not a very tactile person and it takes a while for me to be comfortable with people touching me so can we hold off on that until we know each other better?
YOU do not OWE anyone the "right" to touch you, even if they mean it well. Nor do you really OWE them a long explanation.
But DO stand up for yourself if people cross your OWN personal boundaries. They can't read your mind.
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