A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy for about 2 1/2 years and he broke up with me after a long night of fighting. We had a lot of problems with his drinking and anger. We recently started talking again after 7 months of being apart and we basically started right back where we ended it when I realized he had changed his drinking habits. After a couple months of dating again I realized I wouldn't ever be able to get over the pain he caused me and although I love him I won't ever be able to forget the bad memories. I also don't get along with his family and wouldn't want to bring a child into his family.I broke up with him so I didn't hurt him even more than I had to. He is still completely in love with me and doesn't understand where I am coming from. So I don't know if I should have given it more time to regain trust in him or if it really matters if I get along with his family?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs far as his parents go, his father has problems with both alcohol and drugs. And his mother is always out partying with her friends whenever she gets spare time. His siblings also have a lot of problems with drugs. I wouldn't ever let my children be with them alone, but my ex thought it would be OK to leave children with them unsupervised. He is very close to his family and would want them in his life and his children lives.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): As far as the family goes - Is he close to his family? Does he insist they be a part of you lives? Are they actually dangerous to a child (alcoholics, drug addicts , verbally or physically abusive, amoral) or just obnoxious? If they are dangerous would he consider cutting them out of a child's life or only allowing them supervised time?
As for the trust thing, I've gone through something similar with my current boyfriend. We were long distance on and off and when we were, sometimes the drinking and ensuing yelling and verbal abuse would get bad enough to make me literally throw up from anxiety. We broke up. He changed. We're back together and have been for a little over a year. I've tried to put it behind me and think of that time as another relationship. We only talk about "heavy things" in person and when a phone conversation gets heated one or the other of us stops it and we agree to wait and talk in person. He still drinks, but not to excess.
Things are worlds better, but after more than a year with no yelling (minus one lapse) I admit that the trust is still not 100%. I get nervous every single time he drinks or a conversation gets confrontational or I think that I'm doing something that would have set him off back in the day. I'm terribly in love with him and I'm hoping the trust comes back eventually, but I honestly don't know for sure that it ever will.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that there are no guarantees that you can learn to let go of the past. No matter how much he changes or how long you stick around, it may not work. If you think it's time to move on, it probably is - you know yourself best and where your limits are. The family thing is an added level that may be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back.
Break-ups are always difficult, and if there's still love between you (1) you'll miss him and (2) you may feel you owe him something and/or want to go back, because you see him hurting. However, if you genuinely feel there is no future for the two of you, you have to stay strong and make the break stick.
I know this is probably not terribly helpful and none of it can be easy, but I wish you the best possible luck!
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