A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,was hoping for some advice or suggestions on my recent break up and whether you think it is completely doomed or whether there's a chance and how i can possibly make the ex b/f come around...Basically i knew this guy for several yrs and lost touch for a yr or so. when we decided to catch up we decided we wanted to be together. at first he said constantly how he should've asked me out ages ago and everything was so passionate. over time i learnt he isnt one for long term and his ex treated him terribly and he learnt that i dont move into relationships easily and i really like him so i just wanted to be with him and see how it goes. we agreed to keep at it.anyway the past month or so he has acted a bit more distant so my automatic reaction was to distance myself and prepare for the worst which has turned out to be the worst decision as i should have asked him what was wrong. he dwelled on things then dumped me suddenly when i wasnt expecting. i asked to talk but all he said was that he doesnt see us working and its for the best. he also seems to make out like he'd hurt me anyway so its better to let me go now than drag it out for ages and ruin it terribly for me.i told him i didnt want to talk to him again but since the breakup i have felt confused so wanted to know exactly why. I have basically stuck myself out there in to the most vulnerable spot ive ever done in the relationship and told him i miss him like crazy, i want him to be happy and i hoped i meant more to him than i feel right now and if he doesnt want me in his life thats fair but he needs to tell me why so i can have closure and move on. instead he hasnt said anything and has sms'd several times just apologising for stuffing up.he says i am fantastic and could get any guy i want, but he cant be with me. i really honestly dont understand.my last email to him was that all i want to know is what hes feeling and that i find it frustrating not knowing. then a day later (following no response) i ended up saying that i understand if he doesnt trust me enough to tell me whats going through his mind and i will be moving on now.am i being a pathetic hoper and its obvious he doesnt want to be with me?or is there a chance and i just need to cut contact for a bit?i still have no real reason why he cant be with me that makes sense, he only says he cant see it working yet in the wk prior to breaking up he couldnt get enough of me. none of it makes sense..i know there isnt another girl.honest ideas and opinions are really appreciated :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa, i wrote this questions a few yrs ago now. But yes he had cheated, and thats why he had completely changed his attitude toward me. Needless to say , whether he wanted me back or not, I was out the door never to turn back!!!
A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (13 August 2009):
You're not being pathetic - you're upset, confused, broken hearted even. It's a normal reaction and we've all been there!
Of course you want answers and in the perfect world he'd give you them, you'd understand and you'd both move forward. Sadly, life isn't like that much of the time.
There could be many reasons why he has done what he has done and it would be unfair to speculate as to what they are and what they mean in the future. It's entirely possible that he doesn't want to hurt you more by saying "Look, I really wasn't happy with you" or he could be confused by his feelings and next week will say "Sorry, I made a big mistake!"
You told him that you will be trying to move on now, and that really is what you need to be doing. You will naturally be grieving for a while but in time it does pass. If he turns round in a few months time and announces that he wants you back then see how you feel at the time - it is entirely possible by then that you might feel like the last thing you want is him back again.
Whatever you do, don't waste your life waiting for something that might never happen though.
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