A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've posted a few times previously and been very pleased to receive genuine advice from people. To cut to the chase, my boyfriend and I, together 3 years, have recently come out of a very rough patch where a lot of things were said. The main thing that happened was my boyfriend had said he was having an issue deciding whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship right now. We are 19 and have only been in a relationship with each other, just to put this in perspective.He basically said that he was unsure as to whether he wanted to be in a relationship anymore at this stage of his life, and was unsure that he wanted to remain in one for the future. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to go out and experience life as a single person or have other experiences. He said that this was something he needed to think about and I understood, as we are different people in terms of our lifestyles etc (he likes to go out and socialize a lot, I prefer to keep to myself, don't drink etc), and that this was a fair thing to say, well I thought so, considering we have only been with each other and we are young. However, in the end, he decided that it was not worth throwing away what we have for something that may not even satisfy him or may not even happen in the future, for something he may regret, so he decided to keep things as they are.I guess my question is, was I wrong to not break up with him over this? There was a point in this discussion where I thought it was over because neither of us could see a way where he could have the experiences he thought he wanted, or experience single life so to speak, without breaking up. Was this something that I shouldn't have been so understanding of perhaps? Is our relationship now unsalvageable, or would it have been best for us to break up, because of this? And seeing as though for now we have decided to remain in a relationship, how do we deal with this issue? Is this something that will always be there so you think? I guess I've been left feeling a little strange. Thank you for any advice, it is much appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): I'm the OP. Thank you very much for the replies so far, it is helpful to get another opinion. To answer your question, anonymous, no I don't have the same feelings, it doesn't interest me as I am happy now, I'm not a naturally curious person. But he is.Thanks very much Cindy, you have really helped me put it in perspective. I'm glad that he was honest and am understanding of what happened, and I want to continue the relationship, and I do believe he wants to as well, so your advice has been very helpful :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 This is a complex question and I don't have a clear cut answer for you.
On one hand, no, poor kid, why should you have broken up with him, for being sincere ? for being honest ? for trusting you enough to share with you his moments of crisis, of doubt, of restlessness ?. He is only responsible for his CHOICES ( and he chose to stay with you ) not for his yearnings, longings and cravings... I think it is very normal that at 19 he may ask himself what is he missing out, and feel a bit strange that he is living like a faitful serious young husband while friends his age go out and party and hook up and maybe try a different girl every night. It's a big ToysRUs that he has denied himself access to, and the fact that he did it in order to gain something deeper, more lasting and more valuable... does not make ToysRUs less colorfoul and enticing. So I don't feel like scourging him because he's an average 19 y.o. male, - who, anyway, thought it over, weighted pros and cons, and decided that what he's got with you is way more important that a bit of fun and games.
Said that, though, if you feel strange because you feel like your perfect relationship is dented, and his devotion is not absolute and unlimited as before, ... there's no point denyng it, something HAS changed . The very fact that ,before he had never felt this need for freedom and novelty, and then he did... we can't deny he felt he is missing out. He handled it properly, but yes he felt it, maybe he still feels it and will feel it again in future. The desire was there, he just chose to not act upon it.
To try and explain myself : I never feel that the pressures of my family or society have made me miss out on, say, living a lesbian lifestyle. I can't say that I "adjusted" to live as an heterosexual. Because I never had the least hunker or curiosity to go out and live as a lesbian, it just does not interest me. I also don't feel I missed out never having played basketball or baseball, neither sport interest me at all.
But yor bf HAD an interest in tryng the single life, that's not his fault but it's also undeniable.
Will it be a big , never mentioned elephant in the living room ? Will it happen again, will he still feel he has been deprived of something, and for how long ? hard to say.
If your relationship is strong and you really love each other, I think that you can trust that, as he overcome this moment of doubt and weakness, he'll ovecome it again any time it should recur, and he will, hopefully, keep choosing you ( I say hopefully not to jinx you but because, 19 is very young to decide that you definitely will spend the rest of your life with that particular person ). In this sense, yes, the relationship is salvageable, in fact it has been salvaged already- he did the right thing and made the right decision , when it would have been so easy to make the "wrong " one.
In the sense that you can count that you are the be all and end all of his emotional world, that you fulfill him 100% in a such a total complete way to not leave room ever for regrets , misgivings, what ifs...., then no, - you know that, he told you and you have seen it. I guess it all depemds how you can and want to handle this, if you can handle it at a less fairytale , more human and failible level, and accept the guys with his flaws and uncertainties - or if to feel loved you need to feel totally, uncompromisingly, absolutely loved, no ifs and buts and I wonder...
I think there's no right or wrong answer, it all depends from your personality , preferences and life goals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): The grass will be greener on the other side. This is one of those human traits that we ALL struggle with from time to time. Now, add to it the fact that you both have never experienced dating life outside of yourselves, and have been together since you were children. When we mature between 20-25, we change mentally. There is no getting around that, its science. Therefore, relationships that carry from childhood into adulthood pretty much always go through something of this stage of doubt from what I've observed and heard.I wouldn't break up with him over this, yet. He's being honest about a situation that makes him uneasy because he doesn't want to do wrong by you by staying in a relationship he isnt really committed to. Ultimately though, he can't have both, and its a HUGE choice, we each only get one lifetime, and you should consider this as well. You will never get these years back, the single scene in your early 20's is so typical that it's a part of our culture. When people think "college" they don't just think books, they think wild parties, girls/guys (depending on ur preference lol), sex....sex.... so much sexand that's the kicker as a guy, guy's are wired differently when it comes to sex, which doesnt mean he loves or desires you less...just that he's a healthy, fully functioning young male specimen lol. There is a innate drive to pursue sex, to explore around the dating scene in the prime of his youth.You haven't spoken much about your own feelings... would you also like to experience these years as a single lady? Some couples I know have broken it off for this purpose only to one day end up back together, but they still think it was worth it. To answer your last question, no it doesnt ever go away, and I'm pretty certain that if you don't feel it now, you will eventually one day wonder "what if...." when it comes to people other than him, because you have no way of knowing what it's like to be in any other relationship, therefore no comparison basis for your own (which has its merits too, not being comparing all the time...)You two definitely need to sit down and talk it out
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