A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. Our relationship moved pretty fast, we seemed to click right away and began spending all of our time together. While he did disclose that he was separated and getting a divorce he failed to tell me that he had only been for about a month or two before he met me. I knew he sometimes still talked to her which didn't really bother me until she called me one day looking for him.I was pissed! How did she have my number? She claimed that he called her from my phone before. Which really pissed me off.Anyway she asked me was I having sex with her "husband" and told me that she was talking to him every night and that he told her they were working on their relationship and several other things.He denied that all the things she said but I know some of it was true.I was really hurt because all this time I was being cool about the situation with her because I didn't want to seem insecure or threatened by her. This was in August and I was 8 months pregnant and he had already filed for divorce so I felt like our relationship was moving forward, so there was no need for me to second guess anything.Now they are divorced finally and I have had our baby, but he still talks to her everyday she calls him everyday all day long he ignores it most of the time. When I'm not around he makes time to talk to her rather its for 5min or 1hour. I know this because I checked his phone (I know that's bad on my part. I asked him why he still talks to her and why the hell does she feel she needs to call him everyday. He says its not everyday (LIE).He also said because they are still friends He talks to his "friends" around me but never talks to her around me. Each week its a new excuse one week her grandfather died which was the only time it would make sense to talk but any other time no. He even talked to her on my birthday and the day I gave birth to HIS baby for like over an hour. I know that he is obviously not over her. It really hurts because I have a son with him we live together and this year we have been through so much hardship (mainly because of him) and I feel like I have given him so much and I could at least get the respect that I deserve. Now every time I bring her up he gets really quite and just sits there and never answers me.I sometimes want to leave. We have a child together and he has done all the things he said he would do like getting a divorce and moving us to a new place ETC. For some reason he can't let go and I don't want to go crazy checking his phone all the time wondering what they are talking about and being scared that he wants her more than meHis ex and I have actually had civil conversations before and she is not a bad person. I kind of needing her because of a situation he got in. She knows that we live together and have a baby. So sometimes I wonder if I should call her an talk to her and tell her how I feel.I am just so confused and heart broken because I feel like maybe I was a rebound that got to serious too fast and he thought that they would work things out and get back together someday. They were together for a long time and I can't compete with that. I love him so much I know he loves me too but that just isn't comforting enough. He knows it bothers me and yet he still does it.What should I do about him not answering me when it comes to her? Should I have a women to women talk with his ex? (do you think that would help)Should I throw in the towel on our relationship?Should I stop bringing her up and giving her power in our relationship?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 How long were he and his ex-wife married? Do he and his ex wife have any kids?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): I'm sorry but you can't make anyone do anything that they're not willing to do on their own already. that means you can't make your bf stop talking to her, and you can't make her stop calling him.
the two of them clearly are not "done" with each other. Chapter One of their story may be over since he's filed for divorce. But there may still be a Chapter Two like a reconciliation or something in the future. He clearly isn't over her and thus he should not have got himself involved in a new relationship and made new commitments that he wasn't fully invested in. He might even be entertaining the idea of getting back together with her some day and is biding his time waiting to see how that plays out. This is a terrible situation for you.
For a moment put yourself in her shoes: let's say you been married to him a long time (you don't mention if they have kids together so I assume they don't.) Then for whatever reason they break up and get separated. Within a few months he's in a new relationship and gotten a new woman pregnant. How would that make you feel? So you call him to talk, and he reassures you that he still loves you and wants to stay friends and maybe some day work things out. So you keep talking to him, and he seems happy to return your calls. The relationship seems better now than when you were still married so it looks like there's hope for a future reconciliation. You're so hurt that he's now in a new relationship and having a baby with the new woman, but he still seems to care about you and want to be with you on some level. Then next thing you know he's filing for divorce and moving in with the new woman, and then she gives birth to his kid. And still he talks to you on the phone whenever you call, still says he cares about you and gives you the impression that he wants to work things out.
I'm not trying to say that you don't have a right to be hurt, clearly you do. But I just mean that you're not the only one hurting either, she is too. Bottom line: this man is dangerous. He's hurt two women very deeply, and is still hurting both. He's too afraid or weak to let go of one or the other because he doesn't want to lose something. He's selfish, plain and simple. So he continues to hang onto both of you and string both of you along.
I think that you should seriously consider if you should be with this guy. I don't think you can say for sure that he loves her more than you, or you more than her. That's the thing with people like this - they just can't make up their minds that it really isn't fair to the other people they're involved with.
I'm just saying, don't blame her. She's not the problem, he is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2011):
 I don't think you will accomplish anything by talking to her honestly, she knows about you, she knows about the baby and she knows how it felt to be put second.
You need to sit your BF down and explain it again. How it makes you feel.
Honestly though, I dont think it's healthy to "dictate" whom your partner can talk to and whom he can't. He should consider your feelings and either stop talking to her or cut it way way down. I just don't see him doing that, not with the fact that lies about it.
He knows you know it's a lie, yet you are still there. And he is still talking to her every day.
Sounds a lot like he isn't really over her and that she is still a big part of his life.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 I don't think talking to her would help you in any way at all, in fact I think it would just hurt you more. He needs to know how much this is effecting you. It is not fair on you to have to sit through this wondering if he still loves her or not. Off course you are going to be worried, he cannot let go and there must be some reason for this. You need to be upfront and honest with him. You need to tell him that you are thinking of leaving him over this. He needs to know how serious this is. It is not fair on you and he needs to make up his mind about what he wants in life. So you need to sit him down and tell him how strongly you feel about this. Ask him to make you understand why he still feels the need to have her in his life and ask him why he does it behind your back and not to your face. My guess is that he tries to not hurt you. But there is obviously some unfinished business there so talk to him and tell him how you are feeling.
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