A
female
age
36-40,
*js422
writes:My live in boyfriend and I have been together almost a year now. We have a house and have been living together for about 3 months. When we first started dating, the "have you ever?" conversation came up and he asked me about my past experience with three-somes. I answered truthfully and said that i had had a few before and he said the same thing. Recently, he's been pushing the idea more and more. Telling me that i've done it before and he really wants to have one with me and 'one of my girlfriends'... that it's 'just sex'... that its something he wants us to do TOGETHER. I told him that in my past, the three-somes i've had were all with friends when i was single, i've never had one with someone i've been dating before. They were all results of too much liqour and laughter and 'one thing lead to another' kinda deals... i've never had a boyfriend approach me with the "need" or "want" to have one. I've always been told (and felt like) I was enough... I'm a very sexual person and my boyfriend and I have great sex. When i told him about how i've never had one with someone i was in a relationship with and the thought of having to watch my boyfriend be that intimate with someone else made me sick, he simply said "it wouldnt be ME doing it, it would be US doing it together."Now, I'm desperately seeking advice on what i should do... I've entertained the idea of having a close girlfriend, someone i trust join us, but i'm not sure if i'd be ok with that afterwards... I've also wondered about having someone he picks come in, but that would hurt me to know he wanted to have sex with this person so much, he would ACTUALLY bring her home do it, as if i'm not enough.He always says "it's not that you're not enough, i love you. it's just that i want a three-some every now and then"... when i think about it, it makes me ill but i want to be able to fulfill his fantasies without feeling like afterwards, i'd lose him... I'm so lost... Please help.
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I love you, never had a boyfriend, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Wow... some good responses here.
My fiancée left her last boyfriend because he pushed too hard to have a threesome... to the point that once he found out the she wouldn't, he started cheating on her.
While we've talked about it at the beginning, she only had to tell me the story once.
It's great when you can learn by the mistakes of others!!
:-)
Good luck!
C.
A
female
reader, cjs422 +, writes (30 October 2009):
cjs422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni never said i would never have one in a relationship because the thought had never entered my head before now...
had it before hand, i would have probably known better how to handle the situation once it presented itself.
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A
female
reader, cjs422 +, writes (30 October 2009):
cjs422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou've all given me the best things to think about and i couldnt be more greatful.
Thank you so much for offering advice when i was sure i was alone in feeling this way.
all my love to you all.
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A
female
reader, susievee  +, writes (30 October 2009):
What for? You want to go down that road, it only gets more deviated. I say not worth it. What are your moral codes, values. You know the answer, it is inside you. Good luck, keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I know you aren't going to want to hear this, but when you first started dating and this conversation came up, you did not set any boundaries with him about that.
Like how do you feel about having threesomes now that you have experienced them, and do you want to make that a part of a relationship with someone you love and hope to marry some day? I am guessing that the reason you chose to live with him is that someday in the future he will then want to make you his wife.
If you had told him no way no how am I having a threesome with you and said it early on, you would not have any reason not to stand your ground.
What your boyfriend is doing is violating your personal boundary. What your boyfriend is doing is being selfish, taking you for granted and disrespecting you.
I also venture to gain that you have never been asked to be his wife and you have accepted the living together arrangement as a test to your compatibility and a test for marriage...all of which I am a firm believer is a recipe for the beginning of the end of your relationship, especially for people of your age group who do not have a lot of experience with seriously committed relatiohships and may not really think they are ready either emotinally or financially for a real marriage, so they settle for living together and trick themselves into thinking that the man is more committed to forever than he actually is.
I would venture a guess that your boyfriend will also be reluctant to marry you. After all, he has it made, a housemate, a lover, a cook, a laundress, and now someone who will entertain the thought of bringing other women into his bedroom, wow that is soooo much better for him than remaining single where he had to hunt for sex every week.
I hope you decide to take care of yourself, your values and your dream of happily ever after and if you ran this as a litmus test for compatibility, now you now. This isn't it, he isn't going to give you the happy ever after that you had in mind.
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A
female
reader, cjs422 +, writes (29 October 2009):
cjs422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe title was something that the site chose, mine was different.
He's not threatening to leave me if this does not happen... he's simply saying that this is something he wants to do together.
He's always been faithful to me, and like i said, i want to be able to indulge his fantacies... but i'm not sure how to 'be ok' with this one.
I see the point with 'thinking about him with another woman will hurt me unltimately'... it bothers me now, and nothing has happened yet.
I'm wondering if perhaps later in our relationship i would be more inclined to experiment if i felt a bit more stable in it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): My girlfriend and I went through something similar, but I was unaware that she didn't like the idea. In short, she did it for me (threesome) and it was great! But, it hurt her without me knowing. We have had lots of fights and struggles since then, and I think we have made it through. But that threesome caused us a lot of trouble. I love her, and if I had known that it would hurt her or that she didn't want it, I never would have gone through with it.
If he really loves you and you have made it very clear that doing this would hurt you, then he should drop it out of respect for you. If he doesn't drop it, then you should drop him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): This has BIG RED FLAGS all over it...
Your BF is being very selfish in this request, and it sounds as if you're only entertaining the idea so that he can get an extra boose of sexular gratification...
It sounds like he's run this fantasy in his head so many time, and that he's totally kept you in the dark pn this, that now that he smells success, he already has your role defined for you. He's specifically asked that your third be someone from you rxisting pool of freinds...
Your BF's fantasy has been allowed to grow well beyond the fantasy realm. He needs to BACK OFF and give you alot of room on this. You have the power here, and need to think long and hard about turning that over. I would NEVER try to find your thrid from your existing freinds- it will cost you at least on freindship and is just stupid to try to do.
If (and this is a big if) you really want to go along with this, for YOUR pleasure as well as his. You're likely to have a challenge in finding sexually adenturous young women who will agree to a 3way. They're out there, but RARE.
Don't rush into this w/o serious conversations (multiple) with each other and establish the ground rules.
Let us know how it works out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 October 2009):
Really not a good idea. Can you handle seeing him with another women just for his happiness, when you know you're going to be hurting? I would say that you shouldn't do this, because you wil feel really hurt after, and he may suggest doing it again. If he doesn't accept your decision, then he just doenst' have enough love or respect for you.
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I would say that if you are uncomfortable with it, then you are better off losing him than giving him what he wants.. just because you have done it in the past in a different situation, does not mean you want to do it now in this situation..
and if he is consisting insisting on having a "her" as the other part of the threesome, you should bring up a "him" into the threesome conversation and see how he reacts then.. I have a feeling that he would not like that very much.. to me, i think he wants to have his cake and eat it too.. He wants to do someone else in a way that isn't cheating..
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