A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife had two affairs, each one with the excuse i wasn't giving her enough attention. How can you compete with someone trying to woo her for the first time, my mysteries have all been revealed already.Ive tried to carry on in the relationship but the thought of it won't go away, It haunts me constantly. I no longer feel like a man inside and it's tearing me apart. I no longer talk about the affair or my problem to my wife, or anyone. She says i always throw the affairs back in her face, but she doesn't realise my problems are directly linked to them.It's been 4 years now and although things have got a little easier i still feel my manhood is missing.I don't want to divorce, i have 3 children and couldn't bare being away from them, in many ways they have helped me through.I've started to imagine myself with other women, almost in a mother/child scenario.Deep down i feel i need to be with another woman to regain my manhood.I'm fully aware the men involved in the affairs walked away with a feather in their cap. Maybe now its my turn to get one in mine.Do you think i should go a head with my plan and have a fling. There's no way i'm leaving my kids, i've done nothing wrong.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Any good woman has no excuse for an affair. Saying, "you didn't give me enough attention" is just an excuse for her messing around. Don't take that, it was her bad move, not yours no matter what the situation is. The logical choices for her would have been divorce and date, losing all advantages of child support, or cheat.
If your relationship is this troubled, then I wouldn't stay in it. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, good can come from it. Divorce and try your best to gain custody of the children.
You cheating is not going to solve anything. You relationship with your wife is going to deteriorate and then you're going to want to leave, but afraid to.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): It won't help.
Don't excuse what she has done. It's not justified by anything you did. If she had problems, she could have come to you about them or split up with you over them.
She is the one in the wrong here, don't stoop to her level.
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A
female
reader, LIERIN  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 No, don't do it.
If you really love her and you want to stay with your family, than don't do it. YOu have to be the better one in this relationship ! Don't mess it up, just because she did.You are a better man than you think you are!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): your wife having a fling is not an excuse and if you don't want a divorce then maybe you should listen to what she said " you weren't paying enough attention" somehow i doubt that you having a fling will fix that.
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (16 June 2008):
 My advice is no. Simply because it is not the answer to your problem. It may be exciting at first but affairs only lead to more problems. If you love your wife try to get some type of marital counseling. If that does not work discuss separation or divorce. Many people stay in marriages that are unhappy for the kids not realizing that kids know more than we do and they do not feel secure when they see there parents aloof to each other or unaffectionate. If you fear distance from your kids, try to work out a custody arrangment that will include alot of time with your children. I know this is alot to swallow but it will be worst if you have an affair. The guilt involved and the pain is not worth it. If your wife continues to cheat, it is a clear sign she is not happy with herself and/or with the marriage and you should step away from the marriage and let her be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): apart from the fact i'm female it could have been me writing this. I have three kids and my partner of 15 years has had two affairs a while ago. Its always caused problems because no matter how much i try to ignore it i keep thinking it wouldn't have happened if he loved and respected me as much as he should and yes i do bring it up a lot due to arguements.
As for an affair i met a guy about a year ago when i was at my lowest, he was a childhood friend who I got back in touch with. Although i haven't had a full blown affair with him, we text reguarly and last time we met up we kissed. Trouble is instead of feeling great or vindicated for my husband's affairs it made me question my relationship more and now all i can think about is this other guy and my relationship is falling apart. I don't want to split because i love my kids too much and I'm scared how they would cope with it.
What i'm trying to say is an affair might finish your relationship completely. If you are anything like me your wifes affair is still making you angry and the fact she has done it twice will have made you realise that the trust is gone for good. without trust its so diificult to love someone because how to you know that just when you find the strength to start getting close again, they are not going to hurt you yet again?
if you still want to go ahead with the affair ask yourself
can you really sleep with someone and not want to do it again? how are you going to feel sleeping with your wife once you experience the excitment of someone new? Could you handle the fact that you are cheating on your children's mother? how would you feel if one of the kids found out?
Good luck with everything and i hope whatever you decide that you'll be happy again
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A
female
reader, secondbestinthis +, writes (16 June 2008):
Stick it out till the kids are 18, then pack your stuff and get the heck out of there! In the meantime, as gross as this may sound, consider an 'open marriage,' she may be into it since it's happened more than once...If you decide to go with a typical sexual affair, she may find out about it and take off with the kids, then you're in the exact situation you didn't want to be in in the first place - I wish you Good Luck on this!
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A
male
reader, Peterk5699 +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Just because your wife had 2 flings don't mean you should do it to her. You know how it felt, do you want her to feel the same? If you do decide to fling away there's a big chance your file will pull out the divorce papers on you and you know the rest.
You really need to talk to her about it. If you can't then, as a last resort, you could take councilling (together) and try and get things sorted.
You should think of your 3 kids on this. What do you think will happen when your wife finds out? Which she will because all women manage to find out some way or another.
Good luck!
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