A
female
age
36-40,
*izzyb
writes:Ok, i've been reading alot about no contact and various plans so i was wondering what's best for me. so here's my situation. we were together for 2.5 years. it was a very good relationship with few problems. were both 21. he broke up with me because i was saying stupid things to him when i got angry (like threatening to leave) which i didn't mean. he also thought he couldn't take the pressure of a relationship while doing medicine (he's starting in about a month). We saw each other to discuss it. He said he loved me, wanted to make it work, suggested we get back together. i said we'll wait and see how we feel when you come back from europe (he was leaving for 1.5 months)so while he's away he contacts me semi regularly. says 'miss you' during most forms of contact. so anyways he comes home a week and a half ago. i accidentally send him a message meant for my friend which says 'hey gab, pilates on wednesday sounds good. haven't heard from matt. will call tomoz xo.' he replies saying 'lizzy, just a heads up, you sent that to me not gab lol. you will hear from matt (if you want to) when he catches up on sleep and reality.' i reply saying 'whoops sorry lizzy moment.' so a week goes by and i've recieved a few messages- basically asking how i am, but no calls. by this point i'm fed up and am thinking if he wants to know how i am he can actaully call me. there's been so much hot and cold crap. when he's away he calls me pumpkin and says miss you all the time. now he's home, he calls me lizzy and all he does is text me. also i got really pissed off on Sunday when he messaged telling me that he had a fire call (he's a volunteer fireman) and he would let me know when he was home safe (he used to do this all the time when we were together). so being nice, and thinking this was a good sign i write back 'be careful.' he then writes back later saying 'sorry i forgot you were still on the fire list. i'm always careful.' firstly the only people ever on this 'fire list' were myself and his mum and dad and secondly can you even have a 'list' like that on your phone?so after than im enfuriated and i vow that i'm not going to reply anymore. the day after the fire message. he writes 'hey lizzy, just wanted to say hi, so hi lol. how are you? do you still want to hear from matt? hope all is well.' i was like * * * do you seriously have bipolar!! it's been two days and i haven't replied. im just getting sick of the text messages. it's fair enough when he's overseas and can't call but when he's home it's just unacceptable. everytime he's logged on facebook i've logged off because i refuse to talk to him for the first time in nearly two months over facebook. but today before i even know it he had logged on and in less than two seconds said hi. i couldn't ignore him so said hi back. Talked for two seconds, then i had to go and logged off.i felt like he was going to come home and call so we would have a chat about how we feel now which is kind of what was suggested.i was thinking of going no contact because honestly i am tired of replying to text messages. in fact im really just tired of the whole thing. it feels like a prolonged breakup. i still love him but i'm just so angry and feel as though i've been put through so much. what should i do? should i go no contact or write one last thing like 'sorry for late reply. that would be nice. a call would be lovely when you can, as long as you stop referring to yourself in the third person ' what do you think?sorry this has been so long
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lizzyb +, writes (15 January 2009):
lizzyb is verified as being by the original poster of the question2old4this- that's what i've been doing for a month. letting him contact me, keeping it short and simple when he does. meanwhile i've been going out, having fun, meeting new people, catching up with friends. i feel i've done all of this already.
he's been home for a week and we have been 'innocently chatting' via text but there's been no phone calls/ offers to go out for a coffee. he's asked twice whether i still want to hear from him. the first one i dodged and the second i haven't replied to.
i want to see him face to face because the last time we did he wanted to get back together and told me he was losing the best thing that ever happened to him. but we tried to go out one last time before he went away and it never happened which made me really angry/sad and I don't want to feel that stupid and hopeless again.
I've finally drafted a message back saying 'hi maat. sorry haven't replied for ages. sounds good. as long as you stop refering to yourself in the third person lol. a call next week would be great.'
A
male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (15 January 2009):
 Ok, if you want him back, dont try and contact him. But if he tries to contact you dont ignore it, just make the conversations very short. Also don't always answer for him. You have to not be always available. Even if he stops calling you all together, dont contact him first. in fact its better if there is no contact at all. You have to keep this up for 30 days.
During this 30 days is when you start working on you. What I mean is start doing things for yourself like working out, getting a hobby, things like that to improve who you are. And don't worry if he is dating someone else. Trust me it wont make a difference later on. Just work on you.
Now after 30 days of no contact is when you go in for the kill. Drop him a text or a phone call to just say hi or something real innocent like that. No "I was thinking about you" or "I missed you" just a hi how are you. DO NOT START TALKING ABOUT OLD TIMES. Never talk about the former relationship if you can help it. It leads to bad thoughts. After about a week if he hasnt asked you out, then you ask him for coffee or something. When you meet up all that working on you stuff will make you fresh and new to him which is attractive. This is not the same relationship it is brand new. After that the rest is normal stuff. Take it from there.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (15 January 2009):
 I think you need to speak face-to-face. This is the best form of communication. communication is the make or break of all relationships. Just meet up for a coffee one lunch time in the day for say 1 hour and get your message across. Other communication is very limited and people tend to read in to them incorrectly thus causing confusion. He'll be cool with it :)
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A
female
reader, lizzyb +, writes (15 January 2009):
lizzyb is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni highly doubt he's seeing someone. he's been away for the whole time we've been apart basically and he wanted to get back together shortly before leaving. maybe he's too nervous to call? he doesn't know what to expect? since he's been away and made contact I've replied but only very briefly, nothing which gives away how i'm doing/feeling, some attempts at contact i haven't responded to. I'm a little too scared to ask him to meet up but I might reply and just say that 'I would like to hear from you if you want to give me a call next week,' and leave it like that.
what do you think?
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (15 January 2009):
Hi Lizzyb,
Firstly, on some phones, yes, you can create different groups of contacts.
To answer all your other questions you can cut off all communication, if your absolutely sure you don't want to be with him or have him apart of your life anymore. Please be aware that when someone does this it causes a "chase" this means he will likely chase you for a while ie: sms, phone, facebook, etc. If he does it too much he could become obsessive and that can get very messy for him and for you.
If you don't want to lose him then you need to be aware that any communication now could be very frustrating for you and piss you off as it already has been. You will need to be strong and calm.
However a suggestion is that you could give him and he give you some space so both of you can get back on your feet from the breakup. Id go see him (in person) over o coffee and chat and let him know you need some space and time away, say six months or what ever you feel comfortable with (make sure you promise not to talk to each other but meet up when the time has expired - don't make it like 10 years!!!! lol). After this time id reassess how you feel about him. In the mean time have fun and go out meet some new guys and generally have a good time. You will be much clearer about it all and be able to make a better decision about him and your future with him after the break.
Let us know how you go. I wish you the very best:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): you have to bring it up with him and say to him "that you want to meet up for coffee and discuss how you feel ". ITS THE ONLY WAY OTHERWISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL REMAIN A ROLLERCOASTER RELATIONSHIP! GOODLUCK!
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