A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I have been married for 8 years. My wife was a virgin at 23 when we married (I was 30 when we married). We have not had sex for 5 years because of lots of reasons (too many to get into here), but I have looked at pornography out of frustration. My wife hates it. I mean really really hates it. She said thinking of me looking at it makes her sick. I promised that I wouldn't do it anymore, but she went overseas to visit her parents and I looked at it again. She found out and now is furious with me and threatening divorce. I don't want to get divorced. I want to fix what is wrong with us. I want to be the man she wants to spend her life with, but I don't know what to do about this urge, this need I feel sometimes to want to have sex with the woman I love. I am willing to continue not having sex with her until the other parts of our relationship are fixed, but I am afraid I am going to slip again and lose her forever. Please help. What do I do? Therapy? Seperation? PS I know you may say that 5 years is weird and I should move on but I need to stress that I want to stay with my wife, we have a great marriage other than this.Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice, everyone.
I have suggested counseling (yesterday) and she seems willing.
I want so much to give her what she wants and needs but at the same time I need things as well, but I feel guilty for wanting anything right now after I hurt her so badly.
I guess some further info would be helpful.
Why no sex for 5 years?
Where to begin?
Firstly, like I said, she was a virgin when we married and wanted to wait for marriage before we did anything, fair enough. Was strange for me, because like most men I suspect sex=love. Juvenile and selfish, yes.
When we did finally make love (not, I might add on our wedding night, as she had the flu...another strike against my ego) I literally just touched her and she said "OW!".
"Ow?" That threw me for a loop.
She was tense and scared I think.
All of my past sexual encounters were quite...uninhibited. With her I was like a robot, fearful of hurting her, scared I would open my mouth and let all the usual horny-as-hell-bed-talk fall out, and upset that I couldn't relax around her.
Nowadays she complains that I am too "mechanical". Well no wonder! You can't have sex on eggshells to mix a metaphor.
Also, I have never been able to achieve an orgasm with a woman. Any woman. Reason? I don't know, but I have always suspected that because my dad wasn't around (and that really, really screwed me up), I didn't think I'd make a good father, so I never wanted children. I think the fear of that kept my mind and body from letting me relax enough to "release".
Yeah, I know. I need long, intensive therapy (lol).
I guess what I wanted to really ask is, do you all think that I can ever get to a good place with my own fears?
I think that unless I get my own head straight that my marriage is doomed.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 December 2007):
 It's difficult to give any advice when you just throw the five years without sex into the question without any explanation. That might have something to do with the over all dilema.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): You need to try to make her understand that you are sexually frustrated. There obviously are reasons behind why you both are not having sex together but it is important for most people in a long term relationship. 5 years is a long time to go with out sex especially if you want it. Sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship but you shouldn't feel guilty for getting a little frustrated. The porn makes your wife sick but gives you some enjoyment, that tough! its all about compromise. You are respecting her decision to not have sex with her, why cant she respect your decision to wanted a quick release that only involves your sex and your fantasy. Its like smoking one person might not like the other person to smoke, they can encourage them to stop but cant stop them. what is she doing to help you with the way you are feeling? Do you show each other your love in other forms of intimacy. Such as taking a bath together, hugging, kissing, cuddling etc. Sex can be a great stress reliever. I dont think that divorce is the answer no way!You both love each other but this is one challenge out of many that you will face in your life long COMMITMENT to each other. Therapy is the answer most deffinatley. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (17 December 2007):
 Fix the sex problem, everything else will probably sort itself out. If the sex problem can't be fixed for some reason, a counsellor will help a couple work out a compromise, particularly when an issue like this has existed for such a long time. Forget trying to work it out between you. If you could have done this it would have happened by now.
So - go for counselling if she agrees. If she doesn't agree - ask her how she proposes to resolve the problem. If she is threatening divorce, don't argue with her or try to persuade her, leave it with her as her decision. In other words, call her bluff by quietly accepting her threat, for a few days or weeks if necessary. It may help her focus on trying to find a solution, instead of threatening extremes. Sometimes people threaten just to get a response or movement of position from the other person.(Countries do it with each other as well). My guess is that you probably compromise a lot, and she has got used to it. If it's not a bluff on her part, why try and persuade someone who doesn't want to be with you? If she has made her mind up about divorce it means she would prfer life without you.
Good luck. I suspect this will be an ongoing issue for a while. Update from time to time on this same page to get further guidance without having to explain the whole story.
Richard
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