A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:I have this need to go out all the time for the last three years I have gone out from Thursday - Sunday (yes as ashamed looking back at it partying) while have a corporate job.It was non stop glitz and glamour waisting a 100 dollars a night on champagne to going to expensive clubs - most of these girls were high maintenance and sooner than later I joined into the extravagant lifestyle of spending all that you earned and living above your means and of course chasing men.Every time I could go out though and come back at night I would feel lonely - I didn't have man - and I didn't trust these girls as I was left in random places when they found a guy to talk to at a bar - long story short after turning 29 this year and having some stuff and a brief fling fall part I spoke to my therapist.I have been in therapy for a while but this is the first time I am listening and feel I have crashed a wall1.im never satisfied my therapists says - he says you have good looks health and degrees yes materialist things but you don't care for them and you don't appreciate them unless it's to attract a man because that is the only way to validate these2. He said I can't be alone - and you need to learn it It's been two months since I've caught contact with those girls and friends and the bad fling and I fee like I'm going nuts - I'm trying to improve and listen and I know deep down inside if I go back to that high maintenance fake lifestyle that is all I will get in return - but sometimes at least I think that if I do that its at least getting my mind off of doing nothing sitting at home and reflecting on how to be better I'm in my late twenties and I realize those friends cause me to be someone I'm not - I even had a one night stand under their influence and I'm raised very Catholic and never done that before Can someone know how I can get to feeling satisfied and appreciated non materialist things and just men?I know deep down and I've been told these people send me to the wrong directions and none of them have changed even in their 30"s but I feel like a looser at home on Saturday trying to listen to therapy and trying to be content being aloneAnyone else have this or deal with this?
View related questions:
one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (1 August 2016):
 As an ardent Protestant, on one level, it ill behoves me to recommend Catholicism ;) On the other hand I would say this. Your therepist is saying a wise thing about learning to be alone (and incidentally, with God, you are never truly alone) and all that but I feel your missing something and in chasing the things you have you have in fact been trying to fill the yawning chasm where your faith once was. In all seriousness, despite what I said jokingly, if Catholicism is what you know and what feels right for you then by all means take that route. I think your sense of lonliness comes from your disconnection from your faith to be honest - I think this was an important part of your life and now you have turned your back on it and you are seeing the futility of that path. Go to a Church. Just once. See how it feels. If you feel anything then go back again. Talk to your Priest, open up that dialogue you have been missing out. Materialistic will never be enough for you because you have known grace and will always crave that back. Best of luck and blessings x
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 August 2016):
 Volunteer in your spare time - help animals and people who are less fortunate than you. Start a savings account and don't dip into it, just add to it half of what you'd be spending on nights out, donate half of what's left to charities and use the rest on joining a hobby to find new friends with less materialistic priorities or go to movies on your own.
What family do you have? Why are you alone without these friends? Do you have any pets?
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 August 2016):
 Another suggestion to try is to go back to your Catholic faith and explore what it says about such emptiness in your heart that sees fakeness and understands how materialistic things don't fill that void. Book by Anthony Paone is a great little reflective collection on such matters.... although, Catholicism is loaded with writings on precisely what's ailing you. I would definitively look into that and try it, along with other things mentioned here.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 August 2016):
 I have a cousin who sounds a lot like you. Deep down, she's terribly insecure, she isn't attached at her parents and just puts up a show that she is only for the benefit on Facebook, she's been wanting get married ever since she was 21-22 and she's almost 30 now and still nowhere close getting married. Her life is an endless array of parties, posing with a glass of wine in her hand, posting updates about the latest restaurant she's been to, and trying to fall over some guy, who won't look at her twice.
Based on this, I understand where you're coming from. You are lonely, you desperately need validation that you're "cool", you want to settle down with a man but you're not getting anyone, you don't have anyone close to turn to, you've conditioned yourself to want the high-maintainance life, you're insecure but show the world that you're not, you try to find happiness in expensive things and partying, knowing very well that is all futile but you can't help yourself.
You're not a loser if you sit at home on a Saturday night. Whatever makes you think like that? Before I got married, most of my happiest evenings were spent at home. I was with my parents watching TV, spending time chatting and talking, listening to music, reading... And these were some of the most idyllic times. Now that I'm married, my husband and I have pretty much the same life. We go out for a quick bite once in a while but we're mostly at home in the evenings- chatting, cooking together, watching TV, listening to music, reading in bed... And again, it's so much fun!! We dragged ourselves out last evening just because it was a Sunday and absolutely regretted it because every place was packed with people and the restaurant we went to had terrible food... So we got back home, got into our pajamas, had some instant noodles... and my husband declared that he'd enjoyed that much more than being outside.
OP you need to set your priorities right. It's great that you have a high flying corporate job but don't forget to be in touch with your roots even admist all the money and glamour. You don't need expensive things to make you happy. You don't need alcohol to make you happy. You don't need to go parting and club hoping to make you happy.
Only YOU can make yourself happy and you have to find that within yourself. You have to be secure within yourself, you have to be confident and you need to believe that you yourself are enough. Smoking, drinking, drugs, partying and boyfriends don't make you cool and "happening". I feel so sorry for people who even think that way... What a waste of priorities!!
Don't listen to therapy on a Saturday evening if you don't want to, do other things instead. Make friends with people who don't equate happiness with money. Get a hobby, read books, volunteer at an animal shelter, watch a happy movie. You'll see how much better you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2016): You don't need to be content with being alone to the extent you force yourself to have no friends. You realise your old friends are living a fairly pathetic existence, and it's a great step that you want to change from that. You need to now work out what makes YOU happy. Want to get back in nature? Perhaps get some kayaking lessons, and you'll then meet other like minded people with whom you can start to form new friendships. Maybe start going to gym classes and the gym, as over time you will get to know new people. Whatever it is you feel like doing, then go give it a try and it will get you out the house and connecting with similar minded people.
You're still allowing these materialistic people rule your life. You say you feel like a loser staying in on Saturdays - why? The only reason you feel like a loser is because you think other people would call you a loser for doing that. Real friend also wouldn't leave a friend alone, at night in clubs, real friends wouldn't push for you to have a one night stand if they knew you enough to know it's not really your thing. But you've allowed them to do this by not being yourself and trying to fit in - thus changing yourself as a person.
Your therapist has good advice, but you say you've been going to them for some time. Perhaps you need to change therapists, to help continue to get you through this time of your life. A therapist should have helpful strategies to help you move forwards with your life.
You want more for yourself, so you now have to reaffirm to yourself that you are worth more than living a life with fake friends. Remind yourself of the situations you've got in with them and tell yourself you don't want to be part of that again. Focus on new peoplease coming into your life - you could even change jobs and find somewhere new to work to help kickstart yourself making changes. You could make new friends at a new place of work, or maybe just start speaking to different people where you currently work. Find hobbies and interests and keep yourself busy building a better life for yourself x
...............................
|
