A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a problem regarding the boyfriend of my girlfriend's friend and work colleague. He is a distinctly unsavoury character and when i first went to a work do of my girlfriend's and he turned up he was nasty, rude, arrogant and racist (he referred to me as 'white boy' throughout the night and informed the other dark skinned gentleman that was there 'don't worry there'll be more people of colour coming later). His friends turned up later and were just as horrible. He even was directly crude and rude to me and my girlfriend when it started raining and my gf said she was getting wet and he looked me in the eyes and said to her 'yeah, you'll always get wet around a black man'. (sorry to be so blunt and crude but i wanted to properly paint the scene and show how horrid he was). But for some unknown reason everyone seemed to think he was ok, even my gf for awhile. I think his confidence and imposing presence probably allowed him to get away with things and making him seem like a 'cheeky chappy' but i insisted to my gf what a nasty piece of work he was and that i really wasn't comfortable with either of us hanging out. She thought i was over reacting. Then a few weeks ago, she went on her work do without me and stayed at her friends house where he also lived. He was apparently incredibly intimidating and spoke in a threatening manner to my and his gf, talking about personl matters that obviously had been told in secret from my gf to her friend her friend had told him and he kept saying things like 'oi, look me in the eyes when i'm talking to you' and when my gf borrowed some shoes to walk home because she only had some high heels, he told her they better come back in the same condition or he would come find her! also in the morning he ran into her room and exposed himself to her, pulling his trousers down and announcing 'look at my balls'!I don't know how i was supposed to react but obviously i was very angry by the whole thing. But the problem is that on another night out (sorry i'm rambling) when he wasn't there, My gf passed out and had a fit and we had to go to hospital with her friend and his girfriend. I was very drunk (no excuse i know) and was very worried and i got told to answer the phone to him because his girfriend was busy and i stupidly blubbered down the phone that i was really worried and how bad it was and i must have sounded like a wuss and a wimp but he hung up on me.Later in the week she told my girfiend that he doesn't know what to think of me after that and that he doesn't like me and my gf said that the feeling was mutual. But we've a christmas do coming up for her work and i'm meant to be going with my gf but he will be there too. Last i heard, he was banned from all his local town bars because he attacked a manager and caused loads of fights, and he's part of a gang and was threatening to go and stab someone with his gang because they bumped into him and he told this to my and his gf. The guy is bad news and seemingly a nutcase and i'm worried that if i go to this do that something bad will happen to me and i'll end up getting hurt or worse! Especially if he talks to my gf the way he has been, i'd have to speak up for her and i don;t want to leave her alone in a situation like that.I don't know if i'm over reacting or not. everyone always says they don't know how i get into these situations as i'm a nice guy and bad people always take a disliking to me. I've been attacked on numerous occasions literally for no reason and have scars to prove it. But i'm fed up of being paranoid and scarred of people - i feel like i'm an up and coming agrophobic due to my fear of society sometimes!Should I go and risk being hurt, or stay away/back out and disappoint my gf and stay afraid (i'd still no doubt stay anxious about it and worry about meeting him somewhere else someothere time). How much can you let these situations rule your life? i can't expect my gf not to go as they are her work friends. I don't want to be afraid of these horrible and controlled by these people but i'm fully aware just how primal and evil society can be without even a hint of provocation.What should i do?Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated! thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I'd probably advise you to stay away also, like the previous poster. On the other hand, if your girlfriend insists on going, I'd say go with her and don't leave her side. As it would be a work christmas party, (depending on where it is) I'd say there would be security of some kind?! Might also be appropriate to warn the organisers of the christmas party of what this man is like! He sounds horrible! Why is his girlfriend still with him I'd like to know!
If this guy starts something, walk away from him.
Might also be worth going to your local police station and finding out what you can do to make sure you and your girlfriend are protected from him without breaking the law yourself. You seem like a nice guy and I wouldn't want you to have something smear your reputation by hitting this guy back if a move is made!
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